FADED
by scotsrock04
Summary: Ianthony, Heavy AU, angst, mystery. Ian is the CEO of a huge Company. Anthony starts working there as his personal assistant.
1. Prologue - Faded

**Title: Prologue - Faded**

 _Faded_

 _You are the shadow to my light_

 _Did you feel us_

 _Another start_

 _You fade away_

 _Afraid our aim is out of sight_

 _Wanna_ see _us_

 _Alight_

 _Where are you now?_

 _Was it all in my fantasy?_

 _Were you only imaginary?_

 _Where are you now?_

 _Atlantis_

 _Under the sea_

 _Where are you now?_

 _Another dream_

 _The monsters running wild inside of me_

 _I'm faded_

 _So lost_

 _These shallow waters, never meet_

 _What I needed_

 _I'm letting go_

 _A deeper dive_

 _Eternal silence of the sea_

 _I'm breathing_

 _I'm alive_

 _Under the bright_

 _but faded lights_

 _You set my heart on fire_

 _Where are you now?_


	2. Chapter 1 - Ian's waiting

**Title: Chapter 1 – Ian's waiting**

 **A/N: Ian's POV.**

There are benches. And trees. And there is a trash can. There are some cars in the parking lot nearby. The ground is plastered with red stones. The building made out of concrete and glass is towering over the whole scene. Big. Pompous. Arrogant.

There are small puddles everywhere. It has been raining a lot in Seattle lately. It still is. Drizzle rain. That's what it's called.

His hair is getting damp and is sticking to his forehead. He's sitting on one of the benches. People are passing him. Some of them are looking at him. Some of them have better things to do. Or more important things. Or are as fucked up as he is right now and don't give a shit about anyone else.

He had to step outside. Even if only for a few minutes. Despite the rain. Despite the darkness surrounding him. It's late, night has fallen. He feels kind of safe, though. Night has always been a good friend of his. He is more productive at night. There are no distractions. His brain is more active. He is able to work more. He is more focused. He has the best ideas. At night. His constant and only friend. At night nobody can see him. He is alone and he appreciates that. The loneliness.

He closes his eyes and breathes in through his nose. Deeply, slowly. The rain-filled air smells amazing. Fresh. Filling his void for a few seconds. He holds his breath. Enjoying the feeling of completeness. Feeling whole. For once. He breathes out all of the held-in-air in one sudden and swift exhale. An agonizing headache hits him almost instantly. This is not going to stop.

He is thinking about all the events that have led up to this point. Him sitting in front of the best hospital in the country. In Seattle. Hoping. Praying. Waiting.

Hope is easy. Hope is always there when you least expect it. Hoping for the sun to come out tomorrow. Hoping for no traffic on your way to work. Hoping for no hangover after a night out with his friends. Yes, hope comes almost naturally. Unintentionally. Hope is the easy part.

What do you do, however, when hope fails? When hoping isn't enough anymore? The sun doesn't come out the next morning, it's raining instead. The streets are packed with cars and you arrive late at work. And hoping for no hangover after an alcohol-filled party? That doesn't work at all. So what to do?

He has never been much of a believer. But when everything else seems useless and hope fails, then even he starts praying. Praying for the meds to work. Praying for a successful surgery. Praying is harder. It's not like you just wish for something and it comes true at once. No. Praying takes time. And commitment. And concentration. And desperation. Yes, you need to be very desperate to start praying.

Well, at least, he thinks so.

The waiting part is the worst part. Because if you reach this point you ran out of everything else to do. There is nothing left to do but wait. You feel useless and helpless. Waiting. That's the stage he has reached now. Waiting.

Hoping. Praying. Waiting.

He wishes he could to something. Anything. It doesn't matter what. He would be completely fine getting coffee for everyone. Or picking up the trash in the hallways, making sure the doctors and nurses don't trip. Or sorting files in the archive. Or just standing in the corner and being the punching bag for everyone. At least then people would talk to him. Or at least at him.

He checks the time on his phone. Ten minutes have passed already. He told Anthony he would be right back. He stands up and ruffles through his hair. Beads of water fly everywhere. It's no use. His hair is completely soaked. As are his jacket and jeans. The drizzle has turned into heavy-ass rain, pouring down on him. He hasn't even noticed it. He puts his hands in the pockets of his jacket, trying to warm them up. He doesn't want to touch Anthony with cold hands. Slowly, putting one foot in front of the other, he starts walking towards the entrance. He would very much like to stay here, outside of the building. Here it's safe. Out here there are no white scrubs, no wires, no heart monitors. He hates the stinging smell of sterile cleanliness.

He knows once he is inside it will start all over again.

Hoping. Praying. Waiting. For a miracle.


	3. Chapter 2 - Ian's skin prickles

**Title:** **Chapter 2 – Ian's** **skin prickles**

 **A/N: Rewind to the beginning.**

"No fucking way!", Ian screams, charging down the hallway like an express train.

"Ian, you need to consider the fact that…", Courtney begins to explain but is immediately interrupted by another one of her boss's tantrums. He is walking faster now, trying to get away from her as quickly and as far away as possible. She has difficulty keeping up yet she manages.

"I said NO! Shall I spell it out for you? N – FUCK – O."

"For fuck's sake, Ian, stop!", she finally shouts and he actually does. Courtney is the only one in the entire company who is allowed to speak to Ian in that way. "Hear me out, will you?"

He huffs and opens the door to his office. He lets her in first, then enters after her, and closes the door behind him. Courtney walks over to his desk, leaning against it. It's already late in the afternoon, the setting sun is shining its last rays through the huge office window, coloring the room red, golden and orange.

Ian walks over to his white leather couch, slumping down on it.

"I'm listening." Pissed off.

"Finally." She sighs, a little annoyed with her boss and also best friend. "So, as I have already told you earlier, Ryan is leaving the company."

Ian opens his mouth to say something but shuts up when he sees Courtney's scolding look, so he just shakes his head instead.

"This is happening, Ian. You can't stop this. Ryan is moving to Minnesota with his family. I know he was your right hand, but that is the reality."

"You can't tell me what I can or can't do, Courtney! If I want him to stay-"

"No. Ian, let this go. There is nothing you can do about it. CEO or not."

Courtney pauses to study Ian's face. She can always tell what is going on inside that brain, even when they were kids. His brows are furrowed, lips a thin line, eyes narrowed. His arms are crossed over his chest, his whole body tensed, one foot tapping nervously on the floor. Angry on the outside. Yet there is something in those ocean blue eyes that gives him away. He is calming down.

"Good. Now that's settled, you need to find someone to replace Ryan."

"You mean job interviews? Oh, hell no!"

Courtney nods.

"Yup. I'm sorry. But that's what you get for being a picky little bitch. I will not choose someone for you. And neither will HR. You want a personal assistant, you gotta find him yourself."

He groans, pissed about the whole situation. All of the tension has left his body and he falls onto his back, simultaneously putting his feet up on the arm rest of the couch.

"Fine. I'll do it."

It's a short answer, but Courtney knows he means it now. Short answers are good answers when it comes to Ian.

"Perfect." She straightens up, ready to leave the office. Ian is not going to like the next part. She might have already put up a job advertisement a week ago. Since Ryan might have told her first he would be moving. And she might also have already invited some applicants to job interviews. Which might be taking place today. "There is already someone here applying for the job."

"What?", Ian yells out, sitting up.

"Be nice."

And with that she is gone. She doesn't close the door, so that Ian can take a look outside of his office into the hallway. A man is standing there, waiting to be called in. Ian huffs again.

"Let's get this over with.", he says to himself before getting up and calling the man inside. He is not going home anytime soon today.

 _5 INTERVIEWS LATER_

This is a nightmare. No, it's more than that. This is hell. He has died and is in hell right now. How do these people even have the audacity to apply for this job if they can't even count to ten! He is exaggerating, of course. All of the applicants were perfectly fine. However, none of them were Ryan. Ryan was perfect. Ian could yell at him, talk to him, laugh with him. Ryan knew Ian's daily routines, he knew how Ian's brain worked. He went through scripts and threw those away he knew Ian would probably hate. He planned out the days when they were shooting videos. Everything would go smoothly because of Ryan's organization. This comfort is about to end.

Ian is sitting at his desk, head in his hands. Frustration hits him hard. He can already feel chaos creeping up on him and his company. He will never find the perfect replacement. It's going to end with Ian doing more work than he already has to cope with now. He works fine under pressure, but he knows that he won't be able to handle the amount of script reading, video shooting, bill paying, day coordinating that will crash down on him once Ryan has left. Which will be in two days according to Courtney.

A knock at the door ends his thoughts and he looks up.

"Come in!", he shouts through his hands and the door opens.

"So? How's it going?",Courtney asks, trying to hide a smile.

"This might seem funny to you, but this is torture for me.", he snaps at her. "All of these people weren't even good enough to clean fucking toilets!"

"Oh, come on, you know that's not true. You just don't like changes." She approaches his desk, walking over to him. "You never did. Even back then it took you forever to even agree to found this company. Remember?"

Ian doesn't look up at her. Of course, he remembers. He knows she's right, like always, but he won't give her the satisfaction of showing or – worse – telling her that.

"There's one more applicant. And then you're done for the day." She lays a hand on his shoulder. "He seems like a nice young man. Give him a chance."

"Send him in."

Short answer. Good answer.

Courtney leaves and in comes a young, tall man. He is around Ian's age. His skin is sun kissed. He has dark brown hair, almost black. It's short and is styled with hair products, Ian can tell. The man is wearing skinny jeans, a white shirt and a light black jacket. He's holding a folder, his application, obviously. He looks like he is intimidated, his back hunched and his whole figure not radiating a lot of self-confidence. He knows it already. That man in front of him won't be the right person for the job either.

"Ian Hecox?", the man asks, his voice low and slightly trembling.

"Sit.", Ian simply answers, pointing to the metal chair in front of his desk.

The man does as he is told and hands Ian his application files. Ian reads out loud what's in front of him, not looking up once.

"Anthony Padilla. 28 years old." So he is actually Ian's age. Who would have thought that? He looks way younger, though. "Web designer. Master's degree in computing and computer science." Impressive. "Why do you think you are qualified for this job?"

"I… I…"

Stuttering. Great. Ian rolls his eyes. Thankfully his hair and his head position are hiding this gesture.

"I am good with computers. And I…I am good with people."

Ian doesn't believe that. That man… boy rather, is a complete mess. Weak. Self-conscious. A scared little pussy.

"Is that so?", Ian asks, flipping through Anthony's CV. "It says here you were fired from your last job but it doesn't state why."

"I didn't get along with the people there. And their way of handling things. Let's just say… they didn't agree with my way of living." Anthony pauses shortly, looking away. "Homophobic bastards", he mutters. "I hope I can expect more from your company."

Anthony's voice has changed from self-conscious to self-confident all of a sudden. That's the moment Ian looks up from the papers and locks eyes with the man in front of him. Big dark brown eyes. Inquisitive. Shimmering. Ian's skin prickles.

"I'm bisexual.", Ian states calmly. "I think you will have no problems with homophobic pricks here."

Anthony smiles. Ian's skin prickles.

"I am looking for someone… well, basically I'm looking for a second me. I need someone to coordinate video shoots, cast actors, making schedules, take care of the website. Stuff like that."

"I can do that. That won't be a problem.", Anthony almost interrupts Ian.

"And there will be more to do. The work around here is a growing-kind-of work. It's going to pile up eventually. I'm not sure if-"

"I can handle that. I just need a chance to prove myself. Please. I can do this." Anthony's eyes switch from self-confident to pleading. "I am a hard worker. I won't disappoint you. I can handle the stress. Please."

Ian nods, thinking.

"There is going to be a familiarization period. You will be watched carefully during that time. It'll take about a month. After that I will decide if you can handle the job."

Anthony's face lights up at these words.

"Does this mean that-?", he begins but is interrupted by Ian standing up and holding out his hand.

"Welcome to ATLANTIS."

Anthony gets up and shakes Ian's hand. Ian immediately notices Anthony's cold hand, it's also a bit sweaty, maybe due to nervousness. His skin is soft. It feels fragile, so that it makes Ian be careful not to break it.

"Thank you, Mr. Hecox."

Ian cringes at that and shakes his head.

"No, the fuck no. I am Ian, okay?"

"Okay." Anthony chuckles slightly. There it is again. That smile. Ian's skin prickles.

"You'll start on Monday. 8 am sharp."

"Great! I can't wait!" Anthony's big smile is almost addictive. Ian tries to suppress his own, trying to keep a straight face. "See you on Monday, then!"

"See you, Anthony."

He watches Anthony walk out of his office. He's not really sure about his decision. Anthony doesn't seem strong enough to take on this stressful job. Ian needs someone he can rely on, and that …boy doesn't seem to be the person he can put all his faith in. But if it wasn't Anthony it would have been someone else, maybe even less qualified than him. Ian just wants to go home now and not look at any more applicants. If Anthony fucks this up, then he'll just get a new assistant. That's how it's done. It's business, it's nothing personal.

Ian grabs his dark blue leather jacket, switches off his computer and leaves his office. He's alone, everyone else has already left the building. He glances at his watch. 7:37 pm. He takes the elevator to the underground garage. His car, a black BMW Gran Turismo 5, is the only one visible. He gets behind the steering wheel. He drives out of the garage onto the streets of Los Angeles. He has to stop at the first intersection. So he waits for the lights to turn green while looking out of his window. He can see the entrance to his company's building on the other side of the street. Suddenly he recognizes a familiar face. He scrolls down the windows.

"Anthony! Over here!"

The man jumps at hearing his name being called out and looks around. Spotting Ian he smiles. Ian's skin prickles.

Ian checks the street and makes a u-turn, coming to a halt next to Anthony.

"Where are you headed?"

"Union Station. I gotta catch my bus.", Anthony answers, cheerfully.

"I can drive you.", Ian offers and unlocks his car. "Hop in!"

Anthony looks around, clearly considering his next move, but, in the end, gets in the car.

"Thanks for taking me.", he says once he's inside and buckled up.

"No problem."

"You have a… very nice car."

"You think?" Ian chuckles.

"Yes. It must have cost a fortune."

"It sure did."

The drive continues in silence, neither one of them not muttering a word. Ian doesn't know what to talk about, frankly speaking. They both come from different worlds. Ian, CEO of a huge online entertainment company – ATLANTIS – and Anthony, Ian's soon-to-be assistant. He doesn't really know why he even has offered Anthony a ride. It's not like him to be nice and friendly. He is used to being alone. He is used to being intimidating. He is used to having everything under control. And yet… something drags him towards the man sitting next to him. He is not sure what it is, though. Maybe it's the fact that Ian hasn't gotten…any…in a few days. There was simply too much to do at work. He had no time … organizing a meet-up. And so that's why now it's probably just his horny self calling out to him, wanting him to fuck the living shit out of every hot guy he sees. He glances at Anthony quickly before focusing on the road ahead of him again. Ian's face is turning slightly red. Must be the Los Angeles summer night heat.

They arrive at Union Station a few minutes later and Anthony gets out of Ian's car at once.

"Thanks again, for driving me."

"Yeah, sure."

"Have a nice weekend.", Anthony says, smiling shyly.

"You, too."

Ian drives off, heading home. Home, which is a huge villa a little bit outside of downtown LA. A house all to himself. A swimming pool. A garage with two more cars. The interior of the house is kept modern and mainly in black and white.

Being alone is a something he is best at. He doesn't need anyone else except for his dog, a German Shepherd named Daisy. That's it. He doesn't need a girlfriend or a boyfriend. He is perfectly fine living on his own. He doesn't need someone next to him in bed to fall asleep. He has a lot of pillows and blankets. He doesn't need someone to have lunch or dinner with. He spends most of the day outside this house, so he doesn't even use his kitchen that often. Having someone means problems and stress. Being alone, however, fewer problems and less stress.

However, what he really needs right now is sex, and he knows exactly how to get it. Lying on his couch with Daisy's head in his lap he takes out his phone and dials a certain number.

"Send one. Now." Pause. Thinking. "No. Not him. Not today. What else you got?" Pause. "Him. Perfect."

20 minutes later the doorbell rings. Ian gets up to open the door.

"Bedroom is in the far back. Go ahead, I'll be right there."

He watches as the young, tall, sun kissed man with short black hair walks down the hallway. He has green eyes. Doesn't matter. Ian's only gonna see his spine anyway.


	4. Chapter 3 - Ian's mantra

**Title: Chapter 3 – Ian's mantra**

 **Warning: R, hinted sexual content**

 **A/N: Company life.**

Ian moans as the young man's lips and tongue caress his morning erection. Ian's fingers pull on the other man's hair, his hips thrusting into his mouth slowly. He tilts his head back, sinking more and more into his pillow. The man starts bobbing his head faster now, sucking and licking Ian's cock with more force than before, while his hand pumps Ian at the same time. Ian can hardly keep his hips from pushing in deeper, they simply move on their own. When he hits the back of the man's throat he shouts out loud while unloading himself into the man's mouth.

That's how every Monday morning looks like. After getting rid of his morning erection, Ian pays the young man whatever amount of money needs to be paid and escorts him to the front door. He has been fucking him the whole weekend long. It was hard letting him go Friday and Saturday evening. But he has set certain rules for himself and he has to stick to them. No fucking sleepovers on the weekends. Sunday is the only day of the week he lets someone sleep over. And only to suck him off at the start of a new week. He needs the nights for himself. That's when he works and is the most productive. He prepares presentations, looks through casting choices Ryan has picked out for him and writes scripts for the next week. And he also cherishes these hours alone, his only companion being a very sleepy dog.

Ian walks back to his bedroom and puts on some pants and a shirt. He wakes up Daisy and they both go out for a run. That's another thing about Ian. He is a runner. He eats healthy and does a lot of sports. That's why he has insisted on a company building with a fitness center so that he is able to work out when there is time to spare. His run takes about an hour, so that he is back at his place at 7 am. He prepares a bowl of food for Daisy and then takes a long hot shower. He lets the water pour down on him while brushing his teeth before soaping himself up and washing his hair.

When he is done with his cleaning procedure he steps out of the shower and wraps a huge towel around his waist. Usually he blow-dries his hair and styles it into a perfect bowl. He trims his beard with a pair of scissors, so that it doesn't get too long and doesn't look too messy.

He has never been a fan of suits. He may be the only CEO to wear jeans, shirts and leather jackets to work. He owns only clothes he feels comfortable wearing and he is not going to change his behavior because somebody doesn't like his style. Today he decides on dark denim jeans, a black v-neck shirt and – this a standby-item, an item he is not going to change anytime soon – his dark blue leather jacket. He doesn't care about the heat in LA. These clothes look too awesome on him.

Dressed up he is almost ready to go to work. Almost. He enters the kitchen and switches on the coffee maker. That's the only breakfast he is having. Coffee. Milk. One tea spoon of agave sirup. He's not really a breakfast person. Rather a lunch or dinner person. He doesn't want to admit it, but it makes him sad and depressed thinking about preparing pancakes only for himself. _Solo breakfast. No, thank you._ He's not drinking his coffee at home, though. He pours it into a thermo-cup, says goodbye to Daisy and leaves the house to get into his car.

His work car is the black BMW. He has another two cars standing in his garage for everyday use. A yellow HYUNDAI Juke and a blue BMW convertible 2 series. He is very fond of his cars. He loves them showing off. By doing that he wants to make clear to everybody that he is the boss. However, it's just a sham. Of course, he rages hardcore when something doesn't go the way he has planned, and of course, he gets angry at his employees for screwing up things, and of course, he is the CEO of his own company and calls all the shots. He plays the tough and hard boss for a good reason. So that people do what he wants without questioning his decisions.

There are some people, though, who look through that. Not many people. Only very, very close friends. Courtney is one of them. She is basically the only one. She always knows what he is thinking, why he acts in a certain way. She knows when he is really angry (not hard to guess), really happy (which is on some rare occasions) and really sad (which has happened once so far). And she knows he is faking it. Ian is kind of not happy about that but he can't do nothing about it. Courtney is his closest friend since they were kids. She gets him. She likes him despite all his flaws. He considers her family. He has never told her that.

"Courtney! Where is my schedule for this week?", Ian yells out.

"Check your mails!", she yells back, not bothering going into his office.

"I did! There is nothing here!"

"Check again!"

Ian groans. He clicks the little envelope symbol for the millionth time. Nothing. As in – nothing at all. No internet connection.

"Oh, what the fuckin' FUCK?"

That is the moment Courtney actually gets up from her desk and enters the office.

"What is it?"

"No internet!", he shouts and points to his screen. "That's why I haven't gotten any mails today. Can you get someone to fix this?"

Whiny voice. Whiny Ian is the worst. Courtney sighs, but keeps a smile on her face.

"Sure. I'll call Anthony.", she says, taking out her phone and types a message.

"Anthony? Why...why… would you call him?", Ian asks, suddenly stuttering and getting nervous.

"Cause he… like… studied computer science? Duh?"

She keeps on typing until suddenly a smirk appears on her lips.

"Wait a minute! Do you have a thing for him?"

Ian blushes slightly. He never blushes. Ever. He gets up from his office chair and walks over to the window, turning away from Courtney and looking outside.

"Yeah, right. Like I would have "a thing" for some random, weak-ass pussy." He chuckles. Not believable at all.

"Oh, come on. You can't lie to me, you know that. There is something about him that you like."

"Maybe as a fuck-interest. I would sure love to have him under me, if you know what I mean." Ian looks over his shoulder, wiggling his eyebrows.

Courtney approaches him quickly and looks him straight in the eyes, a serious expression on her face.

"Ian, I will say this only once. Don't fuck him up. He's a really nice guy, and he's doing a great job so far. Don't make him quit, okay?" Pause. "Knowing you, you will fuck him once, he is heartbroken over the fact that he was just a simple fuck and will leave the company. Do you want that? Do you want another round of job interviews?"

Ian cringes in disgust.

"No."

"So, I take it you understand what I've just explained to you?"

"Yes, _Mom._ "

They both turn around when they hear a soft knock at the door. Anthony is standing in the door frame, holding a laptop.

"Did you ask for me?"

"Yes, Anthony, come in.", Courtney replies friendly. "Ian needs a hand with his computer. Would you mind taking a look at that?"

"Oh, sure, I can do that."

Courtney smiles and leaves the office, closing the door behind her.

"So… where's the problem?"

"No internet connection.", Ian says and they both walk over to his computer.

Anthony sits down, sets up his own laptop and starts clicking here and there, opening windows, typing in commands.

"Done.", he announces after a few minutes. "See? You've got mail."

Ian takes a look at the screen and notices that Anthony has send him five mails already.

"Somebody has been busy this morning."

"Oh, yeah. I figured I'd make a good first impression. This is the schedule for the next few days, casting choices, scripts to look through, a new CGI software I would like you to take a look at- "

"Why? The one we have is pretty good."

"Not really, no. Trust me on that one. Just have your animation department have a look at that. They will be thrilled. Also, I have sent you information on new camera equipment. The cinematography department came up to me this morning and-"

"Wait, what? Why don't they come to me?", Ian interrupts him.

"Uhm…They assumed you were busy and since I am your new personal assistant they figured they'd talk to me. And I would let you know about their problems."

Ian squints his eyes. He is not sure he wants to believe that but he lets it go for now. Anthony has been working hard already. It's his first day and Ian is already very impressed. He checks his watch.

"Dude… It's barely past noon. When did you get here?"

"Seven. Since you were of the opinion that I couldn't handle the job and the stress that came with it, I thought I'd arrive a little early. And impress you with my skills.", Anthony answers and grins.

This isn't the stuttering and weak person from Friday, Ian notices. Something has changed.

"Why are you so cocky all of a sudden? Why couldn't you show some of that part of your personality during the interview?", Ian asks, shooing him off his chair and sitting down.

"Uhm… I don't know. I was a little bit nervous I guess. I haven't worked at such a big-ass company before. And your secretary, Courtney, called me up on Saturday to explain the basic things I needed to know before I could start. She was really nice. This kind of made me feel better."

"Courtney, huh?" Ian runs a hand through his hair. There is a little awkward pause.

"Okay, so I'll head back to my-"

"You wanna get some lunch?", Ian interrupts him suddenly.

Anthony shakes his head.

"No, thank you. I brought my own food. I'm gonna eat at my desk."

"The fuck you will." Ian stands up and pushes Anthony towards the door. "I own this building. I made sure they included a cafeteria which serves the best food in town."

"But I don't… I didn't bring any money-", Anthony objects, but Ian has already shoved him inside the elevator."

"You don't need money. You have your ATLANTIS ID card, right?"

Anthony nods.

"Every ATLANTIS employee gets his food for free. You don't have to pay for your lunch here, Anthony. The company does that."

They arrive at the cafeteria. Anthony picks pasta with vegetables and Ian decides on two vegan sandwiches. They take their seats at a table and eat their food in silence until Anthony notices something unsettling.

"Ian… Why are people staring at us?"

Ian puts down his sandwich and looks around. They seem to be the center of attention at the moment. Ian knows exactly why. Usually, he gets two sandwiches and picks a table at the far back of the cafeteria. He eats alone. Always. He loves the peace and quiet. Everybody knows that.

"I don't know. Just ignore them."

They continue eating.

"They seem to be quite… intimidated by your presence.", Anthony says after having finished his pasta.

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"You like that?"

"It comes with the job. Otherwise no one's gonna do what you want them to do. That's the beginning of chaos. And chaos means failure."

"You don't like chaos?"

"Not really, no. Do you?"

"Sometimes. Chaos also can mean hard work, or pure bliss, happiness, or … love. Love can be very chaotic, but it's also beautiful at the same time."

"Oh, you're one of those guys." Ian hasn't noticed the scorn and disgust in his voice. It's a reflex. Someone mentions love or relationships, and he wants to vomit.

"What is that supposed to mean?", Anthony asks offended.

"A believer. A hopeless romantic. A love-can-conquer-everything guy."

"Yeah, so what's wrong with that?"

Anthony's friendly brown eyes are hard and show hints of anger. Ian is hit by sudden guilt.

"I'm sorry… I didn't want to… offend you or anything. It's just… I'm not that kind of guy."

Anthony wants to ask another question when they are joined by someone else.

"Ian? Can I talk to you for a moment?", Ryan asks in a low voice, standing next to Ian.

"What do you want?", Ian asks back without looking up.

"I… I'm leaving today. I picked up the last of my stuff today. I just wanted to say goodbye."

"Fine. Bye then."

Ryan chuckles.

"You are unbelievable. I thought we were friends, and that you would be happy for me, but I guess I was wrong. You are just a selfish little prick."

That insult makes Ian rise from his chair slowly.

"What did you just call me?"

"Selfish. You've always been selfish, and I don't blame you. It's just who you are. But after three years of working here, I thought we became somewhat close. Oh, that's right… I was wrong. Ian Hecox doesn't become close with anybody."

"Ryan… I'm warning you. Walk away. Now.", Ian says very slowly, his voice trembling with rage.

"Look around you, Ian. You are alone. You pushed away everybody. You only think of yourself and what is best for the company. You have no friends. No family. You are alone! You won't let anyone near you! No wonder David left you-"

That's when Ian's fist collides with Ryan's face. Fast, hard and without mercy. Ryan tumbles backwards. Ian approaches him making Ryan flinch. He's very close to his face now, his voice calm, low, but dangerous.

"Get the fuck out of my building."

Ryan presses a hand to his bleeding lip, turns around and leaves the cafeteria quickly.

"Show is over!", Ian shouts, sits back down again and continues eating his sandwich. His hand is hurting as hell but he doesn't let anybody see that.

Anthony has been watching the entire scene with an open mouth. It takes him a moment to come back to his senses and the present. He stares at Ian in disbelief.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Ian's voice is calm. Too calm. He doesn't seem bothered at all by the recent events.

"Your friend… He seemed upset…"

"He is not my friend. Well, not anymore." Ian's icy blue eyes stare into Anthony's brown ones. "Can we not talk about this? Tell me something more about that love-thing."

* * *

"Are you out of your FUCKING mind?"

Ian had it coming. Courtney's rage. She is pacing around his office in circles, her hands making wild gestures while she speaks. Ranting Courtney. Ian doesn't like that Courtney. But he has to deal with her now. Otherwise she won't shut up at all. One good Courtney rage and the subject will be forever off the table.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do something STUPID like that?"

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." Monotone voice. Not meaning it all.

"Oh, shut the FUCK up, Ian. You can keep your halfhearted apologies!"

Ian sinks down even more into the cushions of the couch.

"Of course, it won't happen again because Ryan has left! But I am pretty sure you will find someone else you can piss off equally!"

Ian stays silent.

"Oh, now you're not talking. Perfect, Ian, just perfect. You know, you ARE the CEO of this company, but there is an official board. And I cannot save your ass every single FUCKING time!"

"But you did, right?" Low voice. Hopeful.

"Of course, I did. Who do you think I am?" She stops walking and takes a deep breath. "I get why you did that."

"Really?"

"Yes. Ryan was your friend. And instead of just telling him that, and that you are going to miss him, you… knocked him out instead. Cause you-"

"-can't handle change, I know.", Ian ends Courtney's sentence. He's saying these words as if reciting a well-known mantra. _Ian can't handle change. Ian can't handle change. Ian can't change._

Courtney nods and sits down next to him, laying a hand on his thigh, squeezing it gently in comfort.

"I know you were close. And don't give me some bullshit about how you weren't. Ryan was always there for you. He was your friend. Like it or not. You feel… like he is leaving your, right?" A small pause. "Like David did?"

"No, David was something else. David was… Let's not talk about him, okay?"

Ian crosses his arms over his chest, looking away.

"Okay. I'm sorry." She stands up again. "Go home, Ian. Take the rest of the day off. And tomorrow. Stay home. Rest. Calm down. We start filming the next video on Wednesday. I'll text you the address."

Ian nods.

"Okay."

Short answer. Good answer.

Back at home Ian goes straight to bed. Surprisingly enough he doesn't call for someone to suck him off today. He's not in the mood for company. Not even that sun-kissed guy with the black hair and slim body. Usually, he showers before going to bed. But not today. He wriggles out of his clothes and goes straight to bed, just wearing boxers. Daisy jumps onto his bed. Usually he doesn't allow that, but he'll make an exception tonight.

Today he won't turn nighttime into day. He needs to sleep. He needs to calm the fuck down. Too many things are changing and he cannot deal with it. Courtney is right. As always. He hates change. Change is a horrible thing. Change means chaos. And chaos means nothing good.


	5. Chapter 4 - Ian's day off

**Title: Chapter 4 - Ian's day off**

 **A/N: Ian spends the day at home.**

Something wet. Something rough. Something unfamiliar. Usually he wakes up to his alarm clock going off. But not today. This morning Daisy is his alarm clock. Ian opens his eyes and is greeted by more good morning licks from his dog. That's what you get when you allow your dog to sleep in your bed. Usually he kicks her out when he sees her sleeping on his bed, but not today. This morning he doesn't have the heart to do it. He pets her head lovingly and she scoots a bit closer, nuzzling his face and licking his cheek softly.

"Goofy girl.", Ian says.

Courtney and Daisy. That's his family right now. He doesn't even know why that dog loves him so much. He is barely home, he only sees her in the morning and in the evening. He feeds her, goes out for a run with her and pets her occasionally. The rest of the day she is at home alone.

"Why do you even like me, Daisy?", he whispers gently and hugs her tightly, his fingers digging into the soft fur.

He peeks at the clock on his nightstand. 10:13 am. He has never slept that long. This is unlike him. What is happening to him lately? He sprawls out on his bed, stretching his tired and stiff limbs. And then he just lies there.

Why is Courtney always right? Damn it. Of course, Ryan was his friend. He still considers him to be one. A close one, actually. But after that knock-out yesterday it's going to be difficult to keep a friendly relationship. Ryan surely will not want to talk to him. Three years. Three years of laughing, joking, fooling around with Ryan. Screaming at him, raging at him, being annoyed with him. Ryan took it all, he didn't care. That's what friends are for, right? Through the good and the bad? Three years of a wonderful friendship. Gone in a heartbeat. Ian sighs. Is Ryan right? Does he really push everybody away? One special thing Ryan said yesterday appears to be very true. He is alone. He has no one except for Courtney. And Daisy. Daisy always counts. Does he want to be alone? Is he the reason why everybody leaves? Is something wrong with him? Could this be the real reason why David didn't…? No. He is not thinking about that again. Not David. Not now.

He sits up, making Daisy jump and looking at him curiously.

"Come on, girl, let's go for a run."

* * *

Anthony is at the cafeteria, eating lunch, when his phone goes off. Courtney has send him a message.

 **Courtney: Can you come by my desk later? It's urgent. Don't worry, nothing bad :) ty**

He sighs in relief. Thank God. He would really hate it to get fired. He actually likes working here. The people are nice and the payment is great. He finishes his meal and takes the elevator to Ian's office. He enters the floor and sees Courtney running around hastily, talking on her phone. When she sees him, she smiles and waves to him.

"Yeah… sure… no problem. You'll have it by 5 pm. Thank you. See you tomorrow."

She hangs up the phone and lets out a deep sigh.

"Fuck.", she curses, before focusing on Anthony.

"Stressful day?", Anthony asks, approaching Courtney's desk.

"You have no idea. Thank God, Ian's not here to see this. He would flip."

"Is that why you texted me?"

"Yes, actually. We have a little bit of a situation." She looks around nervously. "Nobody else is available at the moment. I cannot spare anyone right now. They are all working on the new video. And frankly speaking, nobody wants to do it really. You are probably the only one who is willing to do this."

"What is it?"

"I want you to drive over to Ian's place and drop off some documents. He needs to sign them today. It completely slipped my mind yesterday with all that punching-Ryan-situation and talking to the board."

She goes over to a filing cabinet and comes back with a stack of papers.

"Here. All these need to be signed by the end of the day. He needs to read through them, it's gonna take a while, but you don't have to stay there and wait for him to do that. Just drop them off and tell him to fax or mail me the signed documents later. I just need signed copies to confirm the video shoot tomorrow. If I don't get them by 4:30 pm we will have to cancel the shoot. And we really don't want to do that. Got it?"

He nods. She pauses, a worried expression on her face.

"Fuck. I promised I wouldn't bother him today with work stuff. He really needs to rest, at least for a day. But I really need those signatures. Every other department has signed but him."

"I can explain that to him, if you want.", Anthony suggests.

"No, it's fine. I'll call him up later and explain everything. He'll understand. I don't want him to blame you or rage at you for bringing him work."

"Okay, so do I leave now?"

"Yes, at once. You can take the company car. He lives a little bit outside of downtown LA. Here, I'll write down the address for you." She scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to him. "There's GPS in the car. You should find it no problem."

Courtney lays the car keys on top of the stack of papers in Anthony's arms.

"Tell him, I'm sorry.", she says, smiling apologetically.

Anthony walks back to his office. Yes, he has an office. This is new and exciting. He has never had an office of his own before. He grabs turns off his computer, grabs his jacket and heads for the underground garage.

* * *

It's almost 2 pm when Ian finally slumps down on his couch. His initial plan to cook something has turned out to be a total failure. To cook food you need groceries. Which he doesn't have. Because he is never home. The only things in his fridge are milk, soy yoghurt and a lot of beer. His kitchen cupboard is stuffed with dog food and different cereal boxes. Well, at least that. So now he is sitting on his couch, eating cereal with almond milk out of a bowl, watching Brooklyn 911 on Netflix with Daisy when his phone rings.

"Yup?"

"Ian, how's it going? Enjoying your day off?", Courtney chirps into the speaker. First she needs to make sure that Ian is calmed and relaxed before breaking the news.

"Yeah, actually. I needed that day.", Ian answers, putting a spoon full of cereal into his mouth.

"Good. Good. That's good." A slight pause. "Listen… I really hate to bother you with work today-"

"No, Courtney, no!" Whiny voice.

"I'm sorry, I know. It's just some paper signing, though. Nothing too big. It's very important for the video shoot tomorrow."

Ian lets out a deep, frustrated sigh.

"Fine. I'm coming."

"No need to do that. I sent someone over to your place. Sign the papers and send them back to me. Mail or fax, doesn't matter. But I need them by 4:30 pm. Okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Courtney."

Ian is extremely glad that he doesn't have to leave house. It kind of sucks that he has to work today, but at least he is at home.

Courtney is extremely glad that Ian doesn't seem to be mad at all. It kind of sucks that she has to bother him – and Anthony for that matter – with work, but at least he sounds happy. And he gave her a short answer.

Ian is about to hang up when the doorbell rings. Daisy immediately jumps up, starts barking and runs to the door.

"Daisy! No!", Ian shouts. "That must be your guy. Who did you send by the way?", he asks as he is walking to the front door.

"I had to send-"

Ian opens the door.

"Anthony!"

Anthony grins while carrying a bunch of documents.

"Yup. Him."

Ian motions for Anthony to come while continuing to speak to Courtney.

"Courtney, that is a fucking mountain!"

He points to the table in the living room, and Anthony follows his unspoken orders. Daisy follows him and sniffs him. Anthony smiles which makes Ian smile.

"I know, I know. I'm really sorry. Everybody else signed. We are just waiting for your signature. I've read through them myself, and everything seems to be fine, if that helps. You don't really have to read through them, if you trust me-"

"Yeah, I do."

Pause. Ian is watching Anthony. He bends down a little when he puts down the papers. Ian smirks.

"Ian?"

"Yeah?"

"I swear to God, if you fuck him up… or fuck him for that matter, I will personally rip off your cock."

Ian inhales sharply. Seriously! How does she do that?

"What was that, Courtney? Anthony can have the rest of the day off? That is fantastic!", Ian lies, raising his voice so that Anthony can hear it. It seems to work. Anthony has turned around and watches him with curious eyes when he catches his name being called out.

"No, Ian, don't do this or I'll fucki-"

"Sure, I'll tell him! See you tomorrow! Text me the address!"

Ian hangs up and sets his phone to SILENT.

"FUCK!", Courtney curses out loud, making Shayne, the chief video editor, whirl around.

"What is it?", he asks running back to Courtney's desk.

She looks at him with a pout on her face.

"I think we will lose Anthony today."

Shayne laughs out loud.

"This is not funny, Shayne! I really like him! He is good with computers and nice and reliable and … and I think he can handle Ian pretty well. Which happens so rarely around here."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see." Shayne gives her a sympathetic smile.

"Unless…", Courtney begins, furrowing her eyebrows, confused.

"Unless what?"

"Unless… Ian really likes him."

"Finally. Last one!", Ian cheers as he is signing the last document. He holds it out to Anthony who faxes it to the company right away. They have been working like a well-oiled machine for the last two hours. Ian skimming through the documents and Anthony sending them away. It's not that he doesn't trust Courtney, but it's become a habit of his. Check everything before signing.

It's almost half past five. They are in the living room. Ian falls to his side spreading out on his couch and stretching. Anthony returns from the fax machine that very moment. Ian's shirt has slipped upwards due to his stretching, so that a little skin is showing. Anthony stares at first but then looks away, turning red.

"Thanks for helping me, Anthony."

"No problem." Still not looking. "I… I should probably go now."

Ian sits up at once.

"Why? … I mean why… don't you stay for dinner? My treat. As a thank you."

Anthony wants to say no but then he happens to glance at his boss. That has been a mistake. It is the first time he realizes how blue Ian's eyes really are. They are begging him to stay. He remembers Ryan's words, about Ian having no friends and family. About him being alone. It must get pretty lonely around here in this huge house. All by himself. With just his dog keeping him company.

So Anthony agrees and Ian's face immediately lightens up. They order pizza and while they are waiting for it to arrive, they play with Daisy in the backyard.

"You have a pool?", Anthony exclaims when they step outside.

"Yes, but I rarely use it. I simply don't have the time." Ian laughs, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, it's about time then! Why don't we eat outside?", Anthony suggests.

He's smiling again. It's a genuine smile, it's cheerful and careless. That's how he smiled the first time they met. It's addictive. It makes Ian smile, too, every single time. It's strange how some people can be so positive and embrace everything. They can turn bad things into something good, they can change a normal pizza evening into a late-afternoon pool party, they can turn chaos into… something better.

"Yes, we can do that.", Ian answers.

He throws a tennis ball into the pool and they watch as Daisy jumps inside, splashing water everywhere, even getting some drops on Ian and Anthony, which makes them laugh out loud.

"You have a great dog. How old is she?"

"About three years. David wanted an Australian Shepherd at first, but when we saw her big brown eyes we couldn't help ourselves."

David. Ian mentioned David. Anthony looks over at his boss whose eyes are focused on Daisy, still a huge grin on his face. Maybe he hasn't noticed. Maybe it's a memory that has just come up.

When the delivery boy brings their pizzas, Ian pays, giving him an enormously high tip.

"I know him.", is his answer when he sees Anthony's shocked expression. "He's my delivery guy."

Anthony carries their pizzas outside and puts the boxes on the ground right next to the pool, while Ian is getting them something to drink. He takes off his shoes and socks, rolls up his jeans to his knees and sits down on the edge of the pool, letting his legs slowly slip into the water.

"Hope you like beer.", Ian says when he returns from the kitchen. He follows Anthony's lead, taking off his socks, rolling up his pants, and sits down next to Anthony, the pizza boxes lying in between them.

"Beer is fine.", Anthony answers, taking one.

"To what shall we drink?"

Anthony thinks for a moment, then coming up with something.

"To your first pizza pool party. May there be a lot more of them in the future!"

They clink their beer bottles and take a sip before each of them grabs a slice of pizza.

"Are you vegan?", Anthony asks with a half-full pizza mouth.

"Not really, no. I like to reduce my meat consumption, though. I've been doing this for a year now and I feel better about myself." He takes a huge bite of his peperoni pizza slice. "Which doesn't mean I won't treat myself once in a while." He winks at Anthony, making the brown-eyed man snicker.

"Can I ask you… something personal?"

"I don't know. Asking if I'm vegan is already pretty, pretty personal.", Ian jokes. When he sees Anthony's sudden serious face, though, he stops smiling and nods. "Sure. What do you want to know?"

Anthony points behind him at the house, face still serious, still looking at Ian.

"Your living room."

"Yes?", Ian frowns, not knowing where this is going.

"There is a TV. A really big one."

"Yes?" Still no clue.

"And there's a shelf, with… gaming consoles."

"Yes?" What is going on?

"I noticed… they are quite dusty." Anthony begins shaking his head slowly, his lips a having turned into a thin line. "Are you suffering from some sort of illness that prevents you from playing video games?"

Ian bursts out laughing, clutching his chest, and actual tears of laughter running down his cheeks.

"Dude! What the fuck! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

Anthony tries to keep a straight face, but fails. A broad and beautiful grin spreads across his face. Ian wipes away his tears and finally calms down a bit.

"Do you wanna play?", Ian asks him, chucking down the last of his beer.

"What games do you have?", Anthony asks back.

Ian doesn't answer but gets up and holds out a hand to the still sitting man.

"Come with me."


	6. Chapter 5 - Ian's story

**Title: Chapter 5 - Ian's story**

 **A/N: Anthony and Ian talking about their lives.**

"Come with me."

Brown inquisitive eyes stare up to him. The sun is slowly setting now and colors Anthony's face in a golden shimmer. He looks magical. Ian's skin prickles. Again. He is filled with a very warm and – he knows, this is going to sound stupid but – fuzzy feeling. He hasn't felt that way in a very long time. The last time he felt like this was with David. No. He is not thinking about that again. Not David. Not now. He is with Anthony right now. He doesn't want to spoil the evening by thinking of a love long lost.

Anthony takes his hand and Ian pulls him up, a little bit too forcefully, so that Anthony falls hard against Ian's chest. Ian doesn't think twice before acting. Anthony is right there in front of him, his eyes so mesmerizing, his skin soft and fragile, his lips plump and only inches away. He is overcome by so many different emotions that he cannot help himself but place a gentle kiss on Anthony's quivering lips.

The kiss doesn't last long due to Ian realizing what he is doing and quickly pulling away. Anthony's eyes are still closed and only open now slowly.

"Sorry. I…Sorry.", Ian mutters, smiling a little shyly and embarrassed.

He lets go of Anthony and steps through the glass door heading towards the living room.

"Come, I'll show you my games collection."

It takes a few seconds for Anthony to come to his senses, but eventually he catches up and they rummage through Ian's Wii U games. They decide on Smash Brothers first and after some intense battles they switch to Mario Kart. Anthony is pretty good and wins every single race. Ian groans, sighs and rages in frustration, but he does it all in a very joking kind of way. Anthony smiles and grins and laughs at Ian's rants and jokes. The kiss from earlier seems forgotten. At least, Ian thinks so. Anthony hasn't brought it up but neither has he complained about it. They have spent the entire evening together laughing and fooling around.

Now they are sitting in front of the couch, on the floor, each of them holding a beer bottle and talking.

"I love your house.", Anthony says, taking a look around.

"Yeah, I like it, too."

"It's big, but not too big. You have room for all your stuff, a pool, enough space to keep a dog, but it's not too big to feel lost."

"I guess so."

"I'm sorry, I'm just rambling. Must be the beer." Anthony snickers, placing his empty beer bottle on the floor.

"What about you? Where do you live?"

"Me? Oh, nothing as remotely fancy as your house. A small apartment. One bedroom. A kitchen. Bathroom. That is all. But I'm thinking about moving, actually."

"Really?"

"Yes, with all the money I'm gonna be making at your company, I'm thinking… PENTHOUSE!" Anthony makes a dramatic gesture as he shouts out the last word of the sentence.

Ian laughs out loud.

"Yeah, I think you will be able to afford that!"

"Don't laugh! I lived in a penthouse once! Of some sort…" Anthony punches Ian's arms jokingly.

"Ouch! You? Where?"

"In Seattle. I was born there, actually. Gosh, I miss that city."

He stares right through Ian, caught up in a daydream.

"You wanna know how I got here?"

Ian nods, opening another beer bottle.

"My parents died when I was a baby. Car accident or something. I don't remember. I was really lucky being adopted by a very loving and caring couple. My Dad sold used cars and my Mom worked at a fancy hotel, cleaning hotel rooms. So, we weren't the richest people, but we were happy with what we had. One day, though, when I was about five, my Mom smuggled me into the hotel somehow, and we stayed in the biggest suite for one night. Nobody noticed. I still don't know how she managed to do that, but I will never forget that. We stayed up late and watched old movies. It was… amazing."

Anthony sighs, staring a hole in the carpet they were sitting on.

"Anyways, I've worked my way up. I studied hard, earned a scholarship and got into college."

"A hardworking student. So, no wild college nights for you? No parties? No… boyfriends?"

"There was one.", Anthony answers shyly. "He… was quite amazing. After college I started jobbing here and there, small companies, editing videos at the local news station. Nothing fancy. My boyfriend was okay with that. But I wanted-"

"-more.", Ian ended his sentence. "Sorry. I didn't want to interrupt."

"No, it's true! I wanted more. More from life, more from… everything, really. I started applying for jobs in different states all across the west coast. And it so happened that a company here in LA wanted me. I broke up with him and moved here."

"The company that was full of homophobic pricks?", Ian asks.

"Yup. That one. I didn't know back then. I thought they were cool. But when they found out I was gay, they kind of… started bullying me." He chuckles. "This sounds so silly. Like high school. Oh, look, the poor gay kid gets bullied by the jocks! Stupid…"

"It's not! It happens everywhere. Dude, I have so many people working for me who are gay or lesbian who ran away from companies just like the one you were working for. They feel safe at ATLANTIS. They are not judged, and they don't have to be scared of someone bullying them."

"That is really great, Ian." Anthony lays a hand on his shoulder. "I have to admit, I really like working for you. And it's only my second day! So, that fact alone speaks for itself."

Ian smiles back.

"I'm happy you feel that way."

"So… what about you? What's Ian Hecox's story?"

"There's nothing much to tell. I… I was always interested in making videos, writing and editing small sketches. I started by uploading my stuff on YouTube. People seemed to like my silly videos. YouTube gave me the possibility to make a little bit of money on the side. And after two years it really took off. I was able to found ATLANTIS."

"I've read a little bit about your company. You make professional videos for your own video streaming website, right?"

"Yes, exactly. You could say, we are a mixture of YouTube and a television company. We make sketches, small movies, TV shows and even talk shows, but you can watch our stuff only on the internet. But we also shoot videos for other companies, like small commercials or something like that."

"And you really make money with that… That is amazing."

"Times are changing, dude. People watch their shows online now. That is the future and we are just at the tip of the iceberg. There is more to come. I can feel it."

"Your parents must be so proud of you!"

Ian falls silent, looking away and taking a huge gulp from his beer. Anthony realizes at once that he has stepped on thin ice by mentioning Ian's family.

"Sorry… I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's okay." Pause. "My Mom…she died a few years ago. Cancer. And my Dad… He… He's not himself anymore. He lives at a facility here in LA." Another pause. A deep breath. "He has Alzheimer's."

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Ian."

"I visit him as often as I can. But he doesn't recognize me anymore. He smiles, though. He knows I'm someone friendly, someone he is supposed to know. That's enough for me."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"I have a sister. But we've lost contact over the years. She lives on the east coast, I think."

Ian's head is resting on his chest, a sad smile on his face. Anthony automatically scoots closer, their shoulders touching now.

"Ian. I am proud of you.", he announces and puts a hand around Ian.

"You? Why?"

"Everyone should hear this sentence at some point in their life. So I am telling you now. I am proud of you, Ian. You have accomplished so much. Look at you! CEO, big fancy house, a huge-ass car-"

"-and forever alone."

Anthony puts his hands on either side of Ian's face and forces him to look him in the eyes.

"That is not true. From what I've heard so far, you have Courtney, she is your friend. She is there for you, right?"

"Yes, that's true.", Ian admits, wanting to look down again, but Anthony's hands keep him in place.

"And you have Daisy. She is also a good friend. Always cheering you up when you are down?"

"Yes, she does."

Blue eyes gaze into brown eyes. Anthony's face comes closer, their noses touching slightly.

"And you have me. I am your friend. I am here for you if you need me." Voice low and a bit raspy.

Anthony closes the small space between them and kisses Ian gently on the lips, his hands still resting on Ian's cheeks. Ian leans into the kiss, their lips moving in the same smooth rhythm. When Anthony pulls away slowly, Ian immediately starts missing the warmth of his mouth against his own.

"I wanted to make sure… that the kiss earlier wasn't just a mistake.", Anthony mutters, his cheeks turning red.

"No, it wasn't." Ian kiss Anthony again, more passionately now, before breaking it and finishing his though. "Definitely not a mistake."


	7. Chapter 6 - Ian's happy

**Title: Chapter 6 - Ian's happy**

 **A/N: Anthony spends the night.**

The kiss goes on for what seems like forever. Ian never wants to stop. His hands are messing up Anthony's hair, totally entangled in them. Antony has his hands around Ian's neck. Pulling him closer and closer, which is basically not even possible. They are already very, very close to each other. Ian's hands wander south, exploring the other man's body. He pushes Anthony slightly so that he falls back, Ian landing on top of him. Anthony parts his lips when he feels Ian's tongue caressing them. Their tongues clash together, dancing a wild lust-filled dance. Ian's fingers trail down Anthony's side, tugging at the shirt until his hands move under it. The moment he feels Anthony's soft and smooth skin he moans loudly into his mouth.

"Fuck, Anthony. You are so goddamn perfect…", he utters, voice low and raspy, in between passionate kisses.

His lips move southwards, licking and sucking on Anthony's neck, living small red marks.

"Shit.", he snickers. "Sorry about those."

Ian slows down his speed, trying to control his emotions, and now instead of almost eating Anthony alive, he places soft and gentle kisses on his neck, jaw and cheeks.

"You are so… beautiful.", he whispers.

He feels Anthony's hands on his chest – and then he is being pushed backwards, away from Anthony. Ian sits up, unmounting the other man, kneeling down beside him and looking at him with curious eyes. Anthony props up on his elbows, hair messy, face flushed with arousal.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No, it's not that.", Anthony begins, running his fingers over his swollen and red lips. "I just don't want to be…"

"What?"

"A drunk fuck."

Ian's face falls instantly when he hears Anthony speaking out these words, loud and clear. It's true. They are both a bit tipsy, not wasted, but not completely lucid either.

"I'm sorry, Ian. I just don't feel we should do this right now."

Ian doesn't answer. Anthony sighs and gets up.

"I think I'll be… going then."

That's when Ian wakes up from his trance like state. He stands up quickly, slightly tumbling.

"What? No, you can't! You can't drive-"

"I'll call a cab." Anthony takes a long look at Ian, eyes glistening, a sad smile on his face. "See you tomorrow, Ian."

He is about to turn around and go when Ian reaches out and grabs his hand.

"Wait, Anthony. I think you got the wrong impression." His grip around Anthony's hand softens, stroking his fingers and knuckles gently. "I don't want this to be a drunk fuck either. I…" He is not sure if he should continue. His cheeks feel hot, they must be red, giving away his feelings already. "I like you."

"I like you, too."

"Then please… don't leave. You can stay here. I have a guest room, with pillows and blankets, a separate bathroom."

" _Look around you, Ian. You are alone. You pushed away everybody. You only think of yourself and what is best for the company. You have no friends. No family. You are alone! You won't let anyone near you! No wonder David left you!"_

Anthony can't help but hear Ryan's words from the cafeteria incident all over again. Ian has no one. He is alone. He has even told him that earlier during their talk. Maybe it has all to do with David. Something happened with David and now Ian is… different. Anthony looks to the ground thinking. Out of the corner of his eyes he can see Ian's hopeful look. Those begging and pleading blue eyes he simply cannot resist. Ian is not pushing him away at all right now. He is reaching out to Anthony.

"Okay.", Anthony finally says with a small smile.

Ian sighs happily, relieved. He takes Anthony by the hand and leads him to the mentioned guest room. He shows Anthony around.

"Here are extra blankets, just in case you might get cold. In the bathroom you can find fresh towels, shampoo, a new toothbrush… Do you need anything else?"

"No, I think I'll be fine."

"If you need fresh underwear or pajama pants, there are fresh ones in the draw-"

"It's fine, Ian." Anthony nudges his shoulders against Ian's in a loving way. He is feeling much better now, knowing that Ian is fine with them not doing…it…tonight. "Thank you. For letting me crash."

"No problem."

Awkward silence. They glance at each other when Ian suddenly claps to break the silence.

"So…I think you have everything you need. We better get some sleep now. Long day tomorrow.", Ian snickers foolishly.

Anthony smiles at his dorkiness. Ian smiles back.

"Good night then.", Ian says, walking backwards out of the room, bumping into the door frame, making Anthony giggle. "Oops…Sorry…Uhm…Night…See you tomorrow." Ian waves once with his hand before disappearing in the hallway.

"Ian?", Anthony calls out, and Ian immediately re-emerges.

"Yes?"

Anthony walks over to him and pecks him gently on the cheek and then on the lips.

"Good Night."

* * *

 _Oh, for crying out loud. You gotta sleep, man. You gotta sleep eventually._

Ian has been turning around in his bed for the past two hours.

 _This is insane. You have known him for… what… like two days? Tops? And you are already falling for him! There is nothing special about him! Nothing at all! He is just a normal guy! Why would you fall for him?_

He rolls over on his back.

 _Because… he has everything. He is everything. He is… perfect. He's hardworking. He is funny. He is smart. He is absolutely adorable. He has the most gorgeous smile in the entire world. Fuck. He is beautiful. His skin… smooth… sun-kissed. His hair… soft… And those lips…_

Ian's blood speeds down south.

 _Goddammit! Pull yourself together, man!_

* * *

 _Dude. Chill. Just breathe. In. Out. In. Out._

Anthony has been turning around in his bed for the past two hours.

 _He is your boss. You are falling for your boss. Hardcore. Like… Really, really hardcore. This is insane. This IS insane. Two days, dude. TWO days. There is no way you can fall so hard and so fast for someone. NO WAY._

He rolls over on his back.

 _Goddammit. Those eyes. Those lonely eyes. Blue eyes. So blue. Like the ocean. Or the sky. So beautiful. And his hair. Strains of hair falling in those beautiful eyes. No drunk fuck. He likes you. He said that he likes you. Why would he like you? Clearly, he is out of his fucking mind. Fucking. Fuck._

Anthony's blood speeds down south.

 _You could be having sex right now. GODDAMMIT._

* * *

Ian wakes up to Daisy's low whimpers coming from outside his bedroom. She's scratching at the door.

"Daisy!", he whisper-shouts. "No! You're ruining my door!"

He shakes his head when she continues scratching. He gets up, yawning, stretching. He has a slight headache, but he is definitely in control of everything today. Much more so than yesterday. Oh God. Yesterday. Anthony. Kissing. Anthony is here. He checks the time on his alarm clock. 6:32 am. Great. He has had around four hours of sleep.

Ian finally lets Daisy in. She is circling around him, wagging her tail.

"Yes, yes. Food. I know."

He peeks into the hallway. The guest room door is closed. Anthony must be still asleep. He tiptoes to the kitchen and prepares a bowl for Daisy. He then changes into his running clothes and leaves the house with Daisy.

* * *

Anthony steps out of the shower, drying his hair with a towel, still very sleepy. He only got four hours of sleep last night. He looks at himself in the mirror and notices dark rings under his eyes. Coffee. Breakfast. Now. But first he needs to get dressed. He remembers Ian telling him about that drawer with fresh underwear. So he goes over there and chooses a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs. He takes a look at his pants and realizes they're all wrinkled and still a bit wet from their evening pizza pool party. He puts on his shirt and picks a pair of gray pajama pants. He may have to ask Ian for some trousers later.

He cracks open the door and sticks his head outside into the hallway. No one there. The house is completely quiet. He walks to the kitchen and sees a small yellow note lying on the counter.

 _Went for a run, brb. Ian._

Anthony smiles at that. Ian running. Ian doing sports. Ian eating healthy. Ian having an awesome body. He shakes his head, trying to get rid of that image. Ian. Lying on top of him. Kissing him. Hands all over his body. Anthony groans, tilting his head back. No. It was the right decision not to go any further. No drunk fucks.

He opens up the fridge. Soy yoghurt. Almond milk. Beer. No eggs, no cheese, no… nothing. He clicks his tongue and closes the fridge again and starts rummaging through Ian's kitchen, opening drawers and cupboards. No bread. No vegetables. No fruits. No noodles or canned food. This is just getting sadder by the second. What he finds, in the end, is a seemingly endless amount of cereal boxes. This will have to do for now.

He pours himself a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, slumps down on the couch and zaps through some channels on the TV. Not even 15 minutes later he hears Ian unlocking the front door.

"Hey, there!", he shouts over to Anthony, making him turn around. "Sleep well?"

"Yes, I did.", he lies. "And you?"

"Oh, sure did.", Ian lies back.

"I wanted to make breakfast… but you don't have any food. So, I hope you don't mind… I took the liberty of making myself a bowl of cereal."

Ian's face color changes from red-exhausted to red-embarrassed.

"Oh, fuck! Breakfast!" Facepalm. "I'm so sorry, Anthony. I totally forgot."

"It's fine, Ian. I like cereal.", Anthony tries to calm him down.

Ian walks over to the couch, sitting down next to him.

"No, this is bad. Really bad. I should have thought of that. I invite you to sleep here and then I can't even make you breakfast." He halts and thinks for a moment. "How about we get take-out breakfast? Before we drive to the set?"

Anthony nods, smiling.

"Sounds good."

"Good." Ian gets up again, suddenly realizing that something is holding him back. Anthony's hands. Holding onto the hem of his shirt. "Anthony?"

He is being pulled down again. Anthony gazes into his eyes and kisses him softly.

"Good Morning.", he then whispers, resting his forehead against Ian's.

"Good Morning.", Ian replies.

He gets up and walks to his bathroom, getting a shower. All the way blushing like crazy. This man is doing things to him he would not have thought possible.

* * *

"And that is a wrap, folks!", Joshua shouts through the speaker and everyone claps and woo-hoos.

While actors, technicians and workers are cleaning up the scene, Ian walks up to his director and pats him on the back. Joshua flinches slightly.

"Amazing job! It all went smoother than I've expected.", he says and Joshua smiles.

"Thank you, Ian. This means a lot."

Ian pats his back one more time and walks over to Courtney.

"How long has Joshua been working for me?", he asks her, arms crossed over his chest.

"Uhm… I don't know…since the beginning?"

"That long? Well, it's about time he got a pay raise. He did good today. And I can see that he is really passionate about his job."

Courtney raises her eyebrows in surprise.

"Okay, I'll take care of that."

She looks over to Anthony who is talking to Shayne, gesticulating wildly and making Shayne laugh.

"So… tell me about yesterday.", she says as they both start walking towards their cars.

"There's nothing to tell. We had pizza. Played some video games. He slept in the guest room."

"Yeah… right." Courtney chuckles. "There's got to be more to that story. I know you too well for that."

Ian doesn't answer.

"Ian? Did you fu-?"

"NO! I did not!", he exclaims, making heads turn. He lowers his voice to an almost whisper. "No, I did not. We kissed, okay? But that was it."

A content smile appears on Courtney's face.

"I'm happy for you, Ian. You haven't been that relaxed and chilled in…forever. Not since David left."

She is the only one who is able to mention David without Ian freaking out. She was there for him when it all went down. She remembers too vividly how heartbroken his boss had been when David left for good.

"Yeah, well… I like him.", Ian confesses, shyly. "He's doing some things to me… I can't really explain it. Maybe it's his personality, or the way he smiles at me. I don't know."

"Ian! Oh my God, you are blushing! That is so cute!"

She bumps her shoulder against his and he almost trips over, not expecting such a move.

"I can see he's good for you. I know you probably don't wanna hear it, but…"

"But what?"

"You've changed. It's been three days and you have already changed."

Ian doesn't answer but walks on. Normally he would throw a tantrum at Courtney, explaining to her how change is bad, but she already knows that. His mantra is slowly but surely disappearing. _Ian can't handle change._ Maybe he actually can handle it. Again.

They reach their cars and see Anthony walking over to them.

"I have to drive him home. Do you think somebody can take the company car back to the underground garage?"

Courtney nods, gives him a quick hug and waves goodbye to Anthony, getting into her own car.

"Ian!", Anthony calls out, running up to, completely out of breath.

"Dude, are you okay? You don't look very good."

"Yeah… I'm… fine.", he pants, hands on his knees, bent over. "I… just… need… to catch… my breath again."

Anthony straightens up and beams at Ian, giving him a smile to die for. Ian looks around. No one there. No one watching. Everyone is busy cleaning up the set, carrying lights and camera equipment. Too much hustle and bustle. No one will notice. No one will see it. Ian leans forward, closer to Anthony, going for his cheek.

But Anthony turns his head slightly and their lips collide. Only for a few seconds but this is enough to send a whole bunch of shivers down Ian's spine. The things this man does to his body are out of this world.

"Shall I drive you home now?", he barely brings out, his voice almost breaking.

Anthony closes his eyes shortly, pondering his options.

"How about another round of Mario Kart?", he then suggests. "Unless… you have work to do or-"

"Mario Kart sounds great.", Ian interrupts him and they get inside his BMW.

Another evening with Anthony at his side. Sitting next to him. Shoulders touching. Laughing. Smiling. Ian wants to spend as much time as possible with this man. He can't imagine not being close to Anthony. He wants to shower the other man's body with kisses. Something is happening inside of him. Something good and positive. Making his heart ache slightly, but in a good way. Three fucking days. This is not possible. This is insane and crazy and not at all how it's supposed to work and play out and absolutely not healthy. This can't be. Falling so hard and fast for someone you barely know. He has to pinch himself more than once during the evening to make sure he is not dreaming. He likes someone and this gorgeous human being likes him back.

For the first time in a very long time Ian is finally happy.


	8. Chapter 7 - Ian's exhaustion

**Title: Chapter 7 – Ian's exhaustion**

 **A/N: Some time jumps. All in all four weeks pass.**

Sunday evening. Ian is lying on the couch, staring at his phone. Anthony said he would text him the minute he was home. Ian would not allow Anthony to take the bus, so he gave him the keys to his HYUNDAI. It's been a little bit over an hour now. Anthony should be home by now.

Daisy is lying next to him on the floor, fast asleep. The volume of the TV is turned down in order for Ian to hear his phone go off. As he is lying there, waiting for Anthony's message, he thinks back to the events of the past week.

Pizza pool party. Kissing Anthony. Playing video games. Sharing their life stories. Kissing Anthony. Again. Anthony's first sleepover. A successful video shoot. Eating lunch with Anthony every day. Enjoying his company. Then the weekend. Anthony staying over. Anthony…

His phone rings and vibrates in his hands. About time!

 **Anthony: i'm home :)**

 **Ian: about time**

 **Ian: do u like the car? ;)**

 **Anthony: yes, it's so comfy and cheeky lol**

 **Ian: …**

 **Anthony: what is it?**

 **Ian: i miss u T_T**

 **Anthony: awwe**

 **Anthony: i miss u too ^.^**

 **Ian: i liked our breakfast this morning**

 **Ian: i usually don't eat that much for breakfast**

 **Anthony: no shit XD**

 **Anthony: i figured**

 **Anthony: cereal junkie :** **x**

 **Ian: -.-**

 **Anthony: daisy is such a great dog**

 **Anthony: i love her so much ^.^**

 **Ian: she loves u too**

 **Ian: usually she's not that friendly with new people :)**

 **Anthony: …**

 **Ian: what?**

 **Anthony: i like the way u kiss me :x**

 **Anthony: so sensitive**

 **Anthony: but passionate**

 **Ian: O.O**

 **Ian: thanks Anthony**

 **Anthony: for what?**

 **Ian: 8===D**

 **Anthony: ROFL**

 **Ian: NOT FUNNY**

 **Ian: get ur ass back here and take care of that! NOW!**

 **Anthony: …**

 **Ian: i'm sorry**

 **Ian: i know u r not ready**

 **Ian: but i just… i want to be close to u all the time**

 **Ian: the way u look at me, smile at me**

 **Ian: i want u at my side**

 **Ian: close to me**

 **Ian: all the time**

 **Anthony: me too**

 **Anthony:** **when u r holding me,** **i feel so safe**

 **Anthony:** **i enjoyed** **our movie night yesterday** **so much**

 **Anthony:** **us lying next to each other**

 **Anthony: *~***

 **Ian: u r adorable**

 **Anthony: -** **(^.^)-**

 **Ian: me too**

 **Ian: we have to do that again ;)**

 **Ian: but Anthony?**

 **Anthony: what?**

 **Ian: i have something to tell u**

 **Anthony: what is it?**

 **Anthony: :o**

 **Ian: i** **'m not sure** **if i can forgive u**

 **Anthony: for what? O.O**

 **Anthony: did i do something wrong?** **;_;**

 **Ian: would have thought better of u**

 **Ian:** **i think it'd be better if we don't see each other anymore**

 **Anthony: ?**

 **Anthony: Ian**

 **Anthony: u are scaring me!**

 **Anthony: plz stop if this is some cruel joke!**

 **Ian: omg sorry!**

 **Ian: T_T**

 **Ian: it was a joke**

 **Ian: u beating me again at mario kart**

 **Ian: that's where i was headed**

 **Anthony: FUCKER**

 **Anthony: don't you do this to me** **HECOX** **!**

 **Anthony: almost gave me a heart attack**

 **Ian: sorry** **T_T**

 **Ian: i won't do this again**

 **Ian: forgive me please?**

 **Anthony: fine**

 **Anthony: but you gotta show me your Halo tricks next time**

 **I** **an: we'll see ;)**

 **I** **an: i still miss u**

 **Ian: tomorrow is still so far away**

 **Anthony: dude**

 **Anthony: we saw each other like two hours ago**

 **Anthony:** **and** **we'll see each other** **again** **in a couple of hours**

 **Anthony: u can't really miss me that bad Ô_ô**

 **I** **an: of course i can**

 **Ian: i am addicted to u**

 **Ian: u are my drug i need every day to survive**

 **Anthony:…**

 **Anthony: Ian stop**

 **Anthony: u r making me blush**

 **Ian: i wish i could be there to see that ;)**

 **Ian: when are u coming over again?**

 **Anthony: next weekend**

 **I** **an:** **so far away**

 **A** **nthony: dork**

 **Ian: i love u**

 **Anthony: O.O**

 **Ian: FUCK**

 **Ian: i hit the send button to** **o** **early**

 **Ian: i mean** **t** **to write…**

 **Ian: i love u being here** **with me**

 **Anthony: ^/^**

 **Anthony: i love being with u too**

 **A** **nthony: I gotta go to bed now :x**

 **Ian: noooooo**

 **Ian: don't leave me T_T**

 **Anthony: u have to sleep too**

 **Anthony: off u go**

 **Ian: fine**

 **Ian: can i text u a good night message later when i'm in bed?**

 **Anthony: sure :)**

 **Anthony: can't wait**

Ian has never before been bed-ready so fast. He takes a very quick shower, throws on some pajama pants and a shirt and head-dives into his bed. He reaches for his phone again. He has thought of a text to send Anthony while showering and he is typing it out now.

 **Ian: hey there :)**

 **Ian: guess who's in bed and ready to sleep with u?**

…

 **Ian: Anthony?**

…

 **Ian: don't tell me u fell asleep?**

 **Ian: T_T**

 **Ian: fine then**

 **Ian: Anthony**

 **Ian: I wish u a wonderful night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite**

 **Ian: unless it's me, I am the bed bug, then please let me bite u a little bit**

 **Ian: just a little nibble on ur neck**

 **Ian: :x**

 **Ian: that is all**

 **Ian: …**

 **Ian: i really like u**

 **Ian: i would use the other L-word… i already feel like it… but we have time**

 **Ian: we are getting to know each other right now and i enjoy every second of it**

 **Ian: okay. i stop rambling now**

 **Ian: good night, Anthony**

3:35 am in the morning. Anthony wakes up shortly to take a trip to the bathroom. He comes back and sees his phone blinking. He checks the messages and smiles all the way reading through Ian's messages.

 **Anthony: i like u too**

 **Anthony: more than i would allow myself right now**

 **Anthony: see u in a few hours**

 **Anthony: :***

* * *

"No, no, no, nonononononono!"

Ian is speeding to the stove but it's already to late.

"FUCK!"

Anthony returns from the guest room. He has changed from his work outfit into something more comfy. Sweat pants and a hoodie. He enters the kitchen and sees a totally heartbroken Ian standing in front of the stove, holding a steaming pan which contains something that at some point surely was edible.

"What are you doing?"

"Failing.", Ian answers in a devastated voice.

"Were you trying to cook?"

"Trying. That is the key word of the day." He drops the pan into the sink, turning on the faucet. A loud sizzling noise fills the kitchen, even more steam erupting from the completely burned pan.

"What were you trying to cook?" Anthony tries very hard to suppress his laughter, hiding it by coughing.

"This was supposed to be fish. Salmon to be exact."

"I'm so sorry, Ian."

Anthony approaches the other man from behind, putting his arms around his waist and laying his head on his shoulder.

"Take-out?"

"I guess so. Unless you want a piece of coal for dinner."

Ian huffs, breaking away from Anthony's embrace and walking over to the couch. He falls backwards onto it, spreading out on it. Anthony follows him. He doesn't know what he can do to make Ian feel better. Words of comfort and a hug obviously weren't enough. He watches Ian lying there, a hand over his eyes, breathing slowly. Anthony can tell he is upset. This not how he wants to spend their Friday evening.

"Why did you cook at all?", he finally asks, voice gentle and soft.

"I wanted to surprise you. So I went grocery shopping after work. That's why I left earlier. I looked up a recipe online. I don't know what happened. It suddenly… turned black." He sighs deeply. "Fuck that sh- UGH!"

Ian cannot finish his curse due to a surprise attack by Anthony. He suddenly jumped on top of him, straddling him a first, then covering his body with his own slim figure. Ian can't help but laugh out loud and wrapping his arms around the other man.

"That's better!", Anthony says sounding satisfied. "I love your laugh so much. Hate to see you sulking and sad."

"I'm sorry.", Ian mumbles into Anthony's hair, breathing in his wonderful sweet scent. "I'm all better now."

"So… take-out?", Anthony asks again.

"Take-out. And dessert."

"What would you like?"

"Hopefully a lot of kisses from you."

Anthony looks up and Ian kisses him gently.

"No candy before dinner.", Antony jokes, and Ian sighs happily when he sees that smile again.

This man is going to be the death of him.

* * *

"Ian! Thank God you're still here!", Courtney says, excited, and walks quickly over to Ian's desk.

"What is it? I was just about to pick up Anthony-"

"You have to cancel."

"What? Why?"

She throws a magazine on Ian's desk. Men's Health.

"Turn to page 6."

Ian does as he is told and is rewarded with a double-sided advertisement for Calvin Klein underwear.

"Guess who just called and wants us to write and shoot their next new advertising campaign?"

"No fucking way."

Courtney can't hide her excitement any longer and starts jumping up and down.

"Ian, you know what this deal means? What this could do for the company?"

"Worldwide breakthrough.", Ian answers, a grin starting to spread over his entire face. "Oh my God, Courtney! This will change everything!"

"There's a 90 percent chance we get the job. They contacted a few other companies, advertising ones mainly. But we are the only company that is out of the ordinary. They said they wanted to try out something different and wanted to see what we could come up with. Ian, we gotta seal that deal as soon as possible. I called Shayne, Joshua, Wes and Mari. They are on their way to the conference room. We need to brainstorm ideas right away. We gotta come up with something incredible, something brand new and fresh."

"Okay, I'll call Anthony."

"I'm sorry, Ian. I know you like spending time with him. And you will soon again. But this is-"

"-more important. Yeah. I get it."

Courtney gives his arm a sympathetic pat and smiles.

"I'll be in the conference room. See you there."

She leaves the office, so that Ian can talk to Anthony in private. This dinner was supposed to be special. Ian was ready to finally say the big L-word. He wasn't sure how Anthony would react, but he didn't care. And now his plans are falling apart. This has to wait. He wants it to be special.

After two rings Anthony picks up.

"Hey there!", he chirps which makes Ian's heart almost break into two pieces.

"Hey, Anthony. Listen, I gotta cancel our dinner plans tonight."

"Why? What's up?" Anthony sounds disappointed. And Ian's heart breaks apart completely.

"We gotta brainstorm some ideas for a new job we might get. And we have to start right away. I'm sorry. Rain check?"

"Yeah, no problem. Hey, do you want me there, too? At the conference?"

"Uhm… sure, why not? You are my personal assistant, aren't you? And that way, we can still see each other. Maybe grab a late dinner later?"

Ian considers himself a freakin' genius right now. This is amazing. Anthony at his side, seeing him in action, hanging out later with him.

"Sounds great! See you in a couple of minutes!"

"See you!"

Ian hands up. His heart is racing with excitement. A little bit too fast for his taste but he doesn't care right now. He's going to see Anthony. Maybe he gets to tell him tonight after all.

* * *

"No, Wes. No, this is all wrong!" Ian groans, annoyed and turns around to look through the window. "I said we need more colors. What you are giving me right now is blue and lighter blue. Are these all the colors of your fucking rainbow?"

"No, but… Shayne said that-"

"I don't FUCKING care what Shayne said! I am telling you I need more colors! Fix that! Right FUCKING now!"

Wes grabs his paintings and drawings and leaves Ian's office hastily.

"Courtney!", he yells, sounding frustrated and angry. "Get me Shayne on the phone!"

This last week has been a disaster. They got the job because their idea to change the usual black and white color scheme and actually making a short film was well received. The papers have all been signed already. But since then everything has been spiraling out of control. Pure chaos. Ian has known it all along. That deal is good news, yes, but it also has changed a lot of things around here. Change never means something good. Fucking proof right there.

"Ian?"

"What?", he snaps at the intruder. He looks up from the computer screen and is faced with a scared looking Anthony.

"Anthony… Sorry." He sighs, annoyed. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to ask if you wanted to get some lunch." Anthony doesn't dare to look at Ian and stares at his shoes instead. "But I can see you're busy now."

Ian stands up and walks over to the other man.

"Yes, I'm busy. Sorry. But I have to deal with a lot of things right now." He hugs Anthony, a little halfheartedly, and goes over to the still open door.

"Courtney!"

"What?", she shouts back, obviously also very tensed and stressed.

"Shayne? Telephone? Now?"

He slams the door shut, making Anthony jump.

"You've… you've been working hard lately. Even late at night.", he notices, voice low and self-conscious. "I barely see you, except during work."

"Yes, Anthony, don't you think I know that? Apparently not. Doesn't matter anyways, since everyone seems to think that I am their personal punching bag. Everybody apparently forgot how fucking important that deal is but me. I have to remember everything and clean up everyone's mess. Shayne is giving crappy orders, Wes has suddenly lost his drawing skills, Joshua, Mari and Matt are sending me completely messed up scripts and my schedule is a fucking disaster!"

"I make your schedules."

"I know, Anthony, and I am sorry to say this, but recently they suck!"

Anthony's eyes start glistening. They have never fought before. This is the first time and it is not going well.

"Anthony… I hate to say this. But I'm not sure I can deal with you right now."

"What do you mean?", Anthony asked, scared and concerned.

"This deal is a game changer. A fucking huge one. If we do this right, it could mean expanding worldwide. And frankly speaking, I don't have the time for someone getting in the way."

"Are you breaking up with me? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"I mean… I don't know what I mean. Maybe it's just a bad timing. Maybe we should just take a break. Until all of this is over."

"I understand."

Anthony's face falls as he turns around to leave Ian's office.

"Anthony, please. Don't be like that. You do get how important this job is to me, don't you?"

"I thought I was important."

With that he opens the door and walks out. Ian doesn't stop him. Maybe he should have, though. Maybe he should run after him. He might be able to catch up to him. However, he stays in his office. He knows exactly what is happening right now. He is pushing Anthony away. He is pushing him out of his life. Ian can't stand himself right now. This has happened before. With David. Ian can't go through the same thing with Anthony. Not again. So, it's better to break things off now before… who is he kidding. He has already fallen in love with Anthony. He still hasn't told him yet. Maybe it's better that way. No commitments. No regrets. No pain.

But maybe… just maybe… he is making the biggest mistake of his life.

"Anthony! Wait!"

He runs out of his office and sees Anthony standing in front of the elevator. One more step. That's all he is able to take. Suddenly dizziness. Blurry vision. Panting heavily. He clutches his chest. Heart beat rising. He tumbles. He knows he is going to fall. Courtney standing up hastily from her desk. Rushing towards him. He closes his eyes.

Darkness.


	9. INTERLUDE 1

**Title: INTERLUDE**

 _Darkness… Nothing else_

 _Surrounding him…_

 _Embracing him…_

 _Out of sight_

 _Where are you now?_

 _Are you here? Where are you now?_

 _Was it all in my fantasy?_

 _Suffocating… No air…_

 _Where are you? I can see you_

 _In my dreams Darkness Lost_

 _Help Eternal silence_

 _Am I alive? Where are you now? Help_

 _Pain… Hurting…_

 _I'm lost Come back_

 _Where you only imaginary?_


	10. Chapter 8 - Ian's chance

**Title: Chapter 8 - Ian's chance**

 **A/N: Ian wakes up.**

"…n…"

A voice. Far away.

"…an…"

It's louder now. He can almost hear it clearly.

"Ian."

That's his name. The darkness slowly fades away. He's waking up. He starts to have feelings in his hands, arms, feet and legs again. Very slowly he opens his eyes. Everything is blurry at first but after a little while he can make out faces.

"Courtney…"

His voice is weak and almost a whisper.

"Don't try to talk. I'll get the doctor. Could you stay with him?"

She is directing the question to someone standing right next to his bed. Tall. Dark hair. Worried eyes. Tear-stricken cheeks. He knows that face. He tries to sit up to get a better view but the man is pushing him down again.

"Don't move. Lie down.", he orders.

Suddenly Courtney returns with a third person. Someone in white. It's a woman, light brown hair, tied into a ponytail.

"Mr. Hecox? Nod if you can hear me."

Ian nods.

"Good."

"What happened to him?" Courtney is biting her fingernails. Never a good sign.

"Are you family?", the female doctor asks.

"No, but I'm his emergency contact."

"And you are?" The doctor looks at Anthony.

"I'm his… personal assistant."

Personal assistant? What is that supposed to mean? Ian doesn't know what is going on, but what he knows is that he wants Anthony to stay. So, he starts to shake his head slowly, reaching out his hand, getting a hold of Anthony's shirt and pulling on it before letting go again.

"I guess this means you can stay.", the doctor says and smiles. She focuses her attention back on Ian and Courtney. "I'm Dr. Grey. You're at the Dignity Health California Hospital Medical Center in LA. You collapsed earlier today in your office. Do you remember that?"

Ian nods again.

"Why did he collapse?", Courtney asks.

"Severe exhaustion. High blood pressure. Elevated heartrate. Dehydration. Basically speaking, Mr. Hecox, you worked yourself into a critical state."

"So… it wasn't a heart attack?"

"No, it wasn't. But it could have easily been one. Mr. Hecox, I am sorry to say this, but you need to rest. A lot. No stress, no work, no nothing for at least two weeks. Stay home, sleep, eat, drink lots of water."

"No, that is… not possible…" Ian has finally found his voice again. He sounds hoarse but at least he can talk and state his opinion on that matter. "We have a deal-"

"Don't you worry about that. I can handle it. I got your notes." Courtney sits down next to him, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. "That's why you made me vice CEO, remember?"

Ian smiles softly at her. He can see that she struggles to keep in her tears and stay strong. For him and for the company. He looks back to Anthony, who has turned around, facing away from him. His arms are crossed, his whole body showing signs of tension.

"I'll prescribe you something to lower your blood pressure and to help you sleep. But basically there is nothing more for you to do than to take it easy for a while. Understood?"

"Yes, got it.", he answers, not at all satisfied with the orders.

"Good. I will discharge you today, you are free to go. But I would like you to report back in two weeks. Just to be on the safe side.", she smiles again, looking at everybody. "Any more questions?" Courtney shakes her head, as does Ian. "Okay then. See you in two weeks then!"

The moment she leaves the room, Courtney begins sobbing.

"Courtney, please, don't. I'm fine.", Ian tries to calm her down. His voice is getting stronger. He can feel the energy coming back, spreading throughout his whole body. "The doctor said I could go home and it wasn't a heart attack."

"Ian, why do you keep doing these things?", Courtney asks between sobs. "Why do you always want to do everything on your own? Don't you trust your own people and friends with anything?"

Ian doesn't know what to answer. Courtney's words are true and false at the same time.

"I'm sorry.", he finally says, looking away from his friend.

"You better be. And stop doing such fucked up shit! You hear me? Ian, look at me!", she shouts and Ian does. "I don't want you near the office for the next two weeks. I'll make sure of that. We can handle the job, don't worry. I will take care of everything. And you stay home and rest. Got it?"

Ian nods, not daring to answer Courtney back.

"Anthony!", she calls out to the standing man, making him jump slightly. "Will you please take Ian home? And make sure he stays there for the next two weeks?"

Anthony turns around and faces Ian with a blank stare, his eyes, however, still glistening slightly.

"Yeah. Sure."

Ian watches him carefully. What is wrong with him? Why is he acting so weird? He hasn't spoken a word to him, ignores him completely, doesn't touch him. Personal assistant. No, that's wrong, he is his boyfriend, right? Did he miss something? Did they have a fight? He wants to remember so badly, but a sudden headache forces him to stop thinking. His hand shoots up to his temple, rubbing it slowly with his palm.

"Courtney, do you think you could ask the doctor for some pills against strong headaches?"

Courtney nods, happy to be of help, and rushes outside.

"So, guess you'll be staying with me for the next two weeks.", Ian remarks with a smile, although Anthony's face shows no signs or the slightest hint of a smile. He even takes a few steps back, leaning against the wall of the small hospital room.

"I guess so.", he answers, staring past Ian out of the window. "I'm just here because Courtney was too upset to drive." He sniffles and brushes a hand across his cheeks.

"Didn't you want to see me?", Ian asks. "I thought I meant more to you."

"I thought I meant more to you, too.", Anthony answers. "But as you made it very clear earlier today, I am not as important as you work."

Anthony's words feel like daggers drilling into Ian's heart. And suddenly the events from the past few hours before his collapse come crashing down on him.

" _Anthony, please. Don't be like that. You do get how important this job is to me, don't you?"_

" _I thought I was important."_

"Oh my God, Anthony…"

"You remember now.", Anthony states blankly.

"Yes. I… I don't know what to say-"

"There you go." Courtney reenters the hospital room, carrying a small bag of containers and a bunch of papers. "Sleeping pills, blood pressure pills and pills against headaches. And also your discharge papers."

Anthony waits for Ian to sign them and get dressed before they leave for the car together. Courtney chats away while they are heading to their car, urging Ian to stay home and rest more than once. She will make sure the job will go smoothly, and also promises Ian that he will be satisfied with the results. And Ian keeps on assuring her that he understands, that he will ease down on work, but that he will need updates from time to time. He makes Courtney promise that she will send him at least a bit of work after three days. Simply because he needs something to do. Courtney agrees.

"I'll send Anthony over to you every other day. Okay?"

Both men nod in unison.

It's already nighttime. Ian figures he must have been out a couple of hours the least. They part ways when they reach the parking lot of the hospital. Courtney tells them that she has sent for Shayne, so he can drive her home. She hugs Ian tightly, waves goodbye to Anthony and drives off with Shayne. Ian gets inside the yellow HYUNDAI, the car he gave to Anthony. Anthony insists on driving since Ian is still a bit weak and groggy. But other than that not a single word is muttered during the entire drive back to Ian's place.

Ian is thinking about their fight earlier that day. And immediately is reminded of David. He stares out of the passenger window, watching cars, people, houses go by in a blur. He doesn't dare to look at Anthony. He is too ashamed. Ashamed of himself, his actions, his words. He can't believe he has said all these horrible words to his boyfriend. Treated him in such a heartless way. Is he still his boyfriend? Well, they have never put a tag on their relationship but Ian has been pretty sure about that.

"We're here.", Anthony says, making Ian jump.

"Thanks for driving me."

An awkward silence fills the car.

"Ian?"

"Yes?", Ian asks, hoping Anthony is ready to continue their talk from before.

"Can I take the car back to my place? It's late and I don't really want to take the bus."

Ian's smile fades away and he just nods.

"Thanks.", Anthony answers. "So… good night then."

"Good night, Anthony."

Ian gets out of the car and watches Anthony drive away. He takes out his keys, unlocks the door and is greeted by a very enthusiastic Daisy. She jumps up on him, trying to lick his face. He kneels down to pet and hug her tightly. He laughs, then smiles, until his happy face fades away to replace a grim expression. In the end, he cries into her soft fur.

"Daisy… I think I've ruined everything."

* * *

Ian hasn't heard from Anthony for three days. Yet he has been in his house. Courtney has told him. Thanks to Anthony's secretive visits, his fridge and kitchen cupboards are stuffed with food. Various kinds of fruit have been arranged in bowls around the house, one in the kitchen, one in the living room and there's even a bowl of apples in Ian's bedroom. Ian still hasn't figured out how Anthony did it. He must have entered the house at nighttime, when Ian was asleep. Anthony has been clearly avoiding Ian.

He gave Anthony the keys to his house three weeks ago, when they started to see each other almost every day. Anthony would come by after work, or on the weekends, surprising Ian with kisses and hugs. And sometimes take-out. Until the workload got out of hand, and Ian was beginning to push Anthony away.

It's the third day of his forced vacation and no one has come to visit him so far. He is alone. Courtney called a couple of times, checking up on him. She promised to visit him on the weekend, though. The deal has been going great so far. And today he is definitely going to see Anthony. Today is update day. Courtney said he would show up around 4 pm.

So Ian is sitting on the couch in his living room, waiting. He has showered three times already, has combed and styled his hair in different ways, has put on cologne to smell nice. He wants to look good for Anthony. He is very eager to win him back and has even prepared a little speech. The question is if Anthony is going to let him talk at all. Ian hopes for the best.

3:54 pm.

Keys rattle. Someone unlocks the front door. Anthony is early. Ian jolts up from the couch and runs to the door to greet Anthony.

"Hey!", he exclaims cheerfully.

"Hi.", Anthony says not very enthusiastically. "I'm here to drop off the update report."

"A report?"

Anthony walks up to a small table which is placed in the hallway and puts down a stack of papers.

"Yeah, Courtney had me take notes during every meeting the last three days."

To say Anthony looks exhausted is an understatement. He has dark rings under his eyes, his skin is pale and he can hardly stand.

"You wanna sit down for a while before heading off again?", Ian suggests, approaching Anthony and reaching out to touch him, but he dodges by taking a step back. His body is shaking slightly, his eyes fixed on the ground. He looks very much upset and… angry? Ian cannot quite assess Anthony's mood right. Either way, he retrieves his hand and looks away.

"Sorry.", Ian apologizes and backs away from Anthony to give him some space. "I can only imagine how… uncomfortable… and awkward this must be for you. I completely understand if you are still mad at-."

Suddenly Anthony bumps hard against his chest. At first Ian thinks this was an accident, that Anthony meant to run past him and was just trying to shove him out of the way. But then Anthony's arm wrap around his body, tightly, his fingers digging into his back, tugging on his shirt. A very surprised Ian is left speechless by this and tumbles backwards a bit, yet holding on to the other man.

"Anthony…?", he finally brings out.

"I'm so glad you're okay… I was so worried…", he says. Ian's shirt is getting damp, letting him know that Anthony is spilling some tears. "I saw you fall to the ground… my heart sank… I… thought you…"

Ian holds him, rubbing his back soothingly. He is completely overwhelmed by Anthony's loving gesture. He cares. He actually worried about him, and this thought makes him smile. He leads the taller man into the living room and they sit down on the couch.

"I was about to leave. I… was standing in front of the elevator. And then I heard Courtney screaming.", Anthony tells Ian, his tears having stopped to roll down his cheeks, yet still visible. Ian wipes the remaining ones away with his thumb. "I turned around and saw you falling…I couldn't believe… you seemed to be such a strong man. And seeing you like this, vulnerable, sick… It made _me_ sick."

"How long was I out?"

"About five hours. We called an ambulance and they took you to the nearest hospital."

Ian takes Anthony's hands in his own, massaging them gently with his fingers.

"Anthony, I would like to apologize for what I said to you. And how I acted. But I had my reasons. Fucked up ones, yes, but to me they made sense. Yet you did not deserve to be treated that way."

Sad, brown eyes stare into Ian's soul. He can almost hear Anthony's thoughts. He is asking himself if he should forgive Ian. And he is right to do so. Ian does not deserve his forgiveness at all. He pushed him out of his life deliberately. Making him believe that their relationship was a mistake.

"Why did you want to get rid of me, Ian?", Anthony suddenly asks, a little desperate. "I was so happy being with you, and most of all, seeing _you_ happy. I thought we were heading into the right direction."

"I know, I fucked up. I didn't mean to-"

"Then why did you do that?"

Ian closes his eyes and a certain, familiar face appears right in front of his inner eye. A goofy but cheerful grin, big dark eyes, short hair dyed orange. He sure was a strange guy. But Ian loved him.

"David."

Ian opens his eyes again and sees that Anthony is biting down on his lower lip. Ian guesses that he can sense that this topic is a sensitive one.

"Do you want to talk about David?", Anthony asks, unsure. "You don't have to, if you don't want to."

"No, it's… fine."

Ian leans back, facing away from Anthony. During his story he is looking down, fumbling with his fingers and with his shirt.

"When I founded ATLANTIS I hired a lot of people. One of them was David. I made him head of the script writing department. I was also quite interested in script writing because I had written a bunch of them the years before. So, it was only logical for me to be more involved in the script writing process and that way I got to know David much better. He was funny, charming, smart. He made me laugh out loud on days when there was nothing to smile about. He knew to calm me down when I had one of my rage attacks. It was a new company, after all, and so it was bound to happen that many things went wrong in the beginning.

He was my rock. We became closer, so close that we ended up best friends. And a while later, we became lovers. The company was well received in the online entertainment world and it started sealing deal after deal, job after job. The workload that came with the sudden success was… unbearable sometimes. I had to hire more people, and even move to a bigger building. During all of these changes, I also had changed, without realizing it. But the people around me did. Some of them could handle it, like Courtney, but others… not so much."

Ian takes a deep breath before speaking further. The next part is going to be rough.

"David's distance to me grew bigger. I could tell something was up, but I thought it was just the workload, that David had too much stress. Everyone relied on him, including me. I thought it was the pressure of disappointing the company, his co-workers and me. So I didn't pay much attention to it. I loved David, with all my heart. I loved him so much that I wanted to be with him forever. I proposed. He declined. He said that he didn't recognize the person I had become. I had changed. And he didn't like the new me. I had become someone else. I was CEO of a big company, cold, heartless."

"Did he really say that?", Anthony interrupts Ian's monologue.

"Yes. The next day he moved out of my house and quit his job. He… just up and left."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Ian."

Ian looked up and for a split-second he saw David standing right on front of him, smiling his cheeky grin, fresh eyes, with arms wide open. Ian blinked and David disappeared.

"So, that's the reason you despise change so much…. and why you pushed me away."

Ian nods.

"I knew it had already begun. I was beginning to change, for the worse. I wanted to protect myself… and you."

"Why me?"

"I didn't want you to see this side of me. I didn't want you to get hurt… like David."

Anthony touches his shoulder and is met by gloomy blues eyes.

"Ian, I am sorry to say his, but this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Ian frowns in confusion, while Anthony is shaking his head slowly.

"How can you just assume certain things without talking to me first? Do you even know how strong I am? How much I can handle? How tough my heart really is?" He pauses shortly. "Ian, when I saw you hitting the floor that day… I will never forget that moment. I thought I had lost you. For good. I am not ready to lose you yet."

"Anthony…", Ian starts before fresh formed tears force their way to the surface. Anthony suddenly comes closer and hugs him tightly. "I'm sorry, Anthony… I'm so sorry…I love you."

It takes a few seconds for Ian to realize what he has just said. He freezes and wants to pull back already, but Anthony is holding on tightly, not letting go.

"I love you, too.", he mumbles into his shirt.

"Really?", he asks to make sure he's heard correctly.

"Yes, I love you, Ian.", Anthony answers, more coherent this time.

Ian starts showering Anthony's shoulder, neck, jaw, cheek and lips with kisses. Anthony has forgiven him. He can't believe he is given a new chance at being happy with the one he loves.

"Anthony, I promise I will have more faith in you from now on. I will talk to you more. Okay?"

"Sounds like a plan.", Anthony answers, smiling, yet tears are covering his face again. Ian kisses them away at once.

"Don't cry, sunshine. From now on, there will be only tears of laughter for you and me, alright? Pinky promise?"

Ian holds out his pinky finger to Anthony. It's a childish gesture, Ian knows that, but nothing else comes to his mind, but luckily Anthony seems to be fine with it. He chuckles and hooks his own pinky finger on Ian's.

"Pinky promise."


	11. Chapter 9 - Ian's wish

**Title: Chapter 9 - Ian's wish**

 **Warning: NC-17, smut, graphic sexual content**

 **A/N: I promised no more short chapters. Sorry. T_T I need some kind of "filler" chapter. So there you go. Life goes slowly back to normal. Ian's POV.**

" _You've changed."_

" _What?"_

" _I don't recognize you anymore. You and I, we are not the same. You are different than me."_

" _But I still love you, David. Does that mean nothing to you?"  
_

" _Sometimes love isn't enough."_

" _I don't understand. What does this mean?"  
_

" _It means, I'm saying no."_

" _No?"  
_

" _I can't marry you, Ian. I feel like I have been in love for the both of us lately."_

" _What are you saying?"_

" _I'm saying that I can't be with someone who doesn't love me back the same way I do. Who basically has no heart left because he exchanged it for something less valuable. Who is… ice cold."_

" _You're saying… I have no heart?"_

" _You don't love me the way you used to, Ian. You think you do, but you love your job, your work more. You love being alone more than being together with me."_

" _David…"_

" _I'm sorry, Ian…I can't do this anymore."_

* * *

Ian's eyes shoot open and he sits up straight in bed. He's sweating slightly, his body feels hot although a shiver is running down his spine. He rubs a hand over his face, wiping away beads of sweat, and shakes his head a bit so that his hair looks more messy than before. Only now does he notice his heavy panting. He lays a hand over his heart and feels it beating fast. Too fast. He starts to focus on his breathing rhythm and forces himself to take deep breaths through his nose. Slowly he begins to calm down.

Something next to him moves, startling him. He looks over to his left and to his surprise he sees Anthony lying there. Asleep. On his belly. Arms around his pillow, hugging it tightly. Facing away from Ian. Hair messy. Spine bare.

Ian watches Anthony's body move up and down as he takes controlled and calm breaths. He smiles gently, lying back down and scooting a bit closer to Anthony. Normally Anthony sleeps in the guest room. Ian hasn't noticed him slipping in next to him. This is the first time it has happened and it fills him with so much joy.

Suddenly Anthony's body moves again as he turns his head to watch Ian watching him.

"Hey, there. Why aren't you asleep?", he mumbles sleepily.

"I had a dream.", Ian answers smiling. He reaches out and softly runs a hand through Anthony's hair.

"Was it a good one?"

"It wasn't really a dream. It was a memory.", he says honestly. "But it doesn't matter now. Now I have you."

He leans forward and kisses Anthony.

"What do you wanna do tomorrow?", he asks, wrapping his arms tightly around the taller man.

"Maybe we could go to the beach?", Anthony asks. Puppy dog eyes. Ian giggles.

"Alright, no problem. How about Santa Monica? We could also visit the Pier Aquarium."

"Yes, please! I always wanted to go there!", Anthony exclaims excited, very much awake now.

Anthony comes even closer, so that they are chest to chest now.

"Why did you decide to join me tonight?", Ian asks, placing a kiss on Anthony's forehead. "Not that I don't like it… I love it, actually. I was just wondering, why now?"

"I felt like it. I wanted… to be close to you. Hear your heart beating next to mine."

Anthony sounds concerned. Ian knows exactly what his boyfriend is thinking and pulling him even closer into a comforting embrace.

"Sorry, Anthony, you will have to put up with me for a while longer. I don't intend to disappear any time soon.", he whispers, smiling, and places small kisses on his lover's neck and shoulders. "I will never leave you."

* * *

"No! No! NO!", Ian hears Anthony shouting from the living room.

According to Ian's alarm clock it's 6:48 in the morning. What is Anthony doing up so early? He shoves the covers to the side and gets up. Daisy is lying on the bed next to him. Anthony must have forgotten to close the door. He shakes his head slightly and goes to the living room, still sleepy, eyes small. He sees Anthony standing in front of the huge window, facing the backyard.

"What is it?", he asks, putting an arm around Anthony's waist, kissing him on the cheek.

"Rain.", he states bluntly, pointing outside.

Ian looks outside. It's a downpour. Waterfalls, masses, tons of water are falling down forcefully from the skies. Dark, almost black clouds are visible.

"Oh, our trip to the beach…"

"I was looking forward to that." Anthony pouts.

"I know."

Ian's eyes are fixed on the taller man. Disappointed face, the pouring rain being reflected in his dark brown eyes. Hit by an unexpected rush of guilt, although he can't possibly be blamed for the weather conditions, he grabs Anthony's hand and pulls him away from the window. Anthony shouts out in surprise at this sudden action as he being dragged down the hallway back to the bedroom. Ian shoos Daisy off the bed and out of the room, closing the door behind her.

"What are you planning?", Anthony asks, smiling, yet sounding confused.

"I wanna see you smile again." Ian makes one step toward Anthony. "I wanna make you happy."

Anthony is standing at the end of the bed, looking curiously at him. He approaches his boyfriend, gives him a slight push and Anthony falls back on the bed, letting out a little surprised squeal. Ian immediately straddles him, hovering over his body, admiring every single part of him, taking in his beauty. His skin soft and tanned, kissed by the sun. His hair a bit messy, strains falling into his eyes. His eyes, dark brown, so deep you could lose yourself in them. His lips, plump and oh so kissable. Perfection.

"Anthony…I-", he begins but is not able to finish his thought. He is too mesmerized by the look the man under him is giving him right now. Cheeks red. Eyes half-closed. Lips parted.

And suddenly Anthony's lips press against his. Gentle, at first, almost shy. Ian is tempted to invade Anthony's mouth at once but instead he is biting Anthony's lower lip slightly, begging, pleading for entrance. Until, finally, Anthony's lips part and he can slip his tongue inside the other man's mouth. Tongues colliding. Exploring. Invading. Warm. Warmer. Hot. Hotter. Their heads start tilting from right to left, trying to kiss at different angles. Ian's lying on Anthony, covering his while body. He is propped up on his arms which are right next to Anthony's head while his fingers are playing with Anthony's thick, dark locks. After a few more kisses he slings his arms around him, underneath his neck and shoulders, his embrace tightens more and more and then he feels Anthony's hips rise up automatically, grinding against his crotch.

"Are you drunk right now?", Ian asks in a low and seductive voice, right next to Anthony's ear.

"No. You?"

"No."

They lock eyes for a moment. Ian's mental images are all over the place. He can't get enough of Anthony. He wants to be inside of him, feeling his skin against his own, kissing and licking his entire body, knowing that it is him who causes Anthony's loud moans. But he knows that Anthony is not ready. Still, there are other ways to satisfy their needs.

"Anthony… I wanna please you.", he breathes into Anthony's ear. "Please… will you let me?"

Anthony nods, blushing, while his hands reach down to Ian's crotch, rubbing his palm against Ian's growing erection through the thin fabric of his pajama pants. They roll over, lying on their sides now, facing each other. They kiss passionately while Ian's hand wanders south, goes under the waistband of Anthony's pants and pulls out his throbbing cock. Anthony does the same, his hand wrapping around Ian's cock tightly and pumping him slowly. His other hand cups Ian's ass, massaging it firmly.

"Fuck, Anthony… Don't stop…"

Ian tilts his head back, his exposed neck being immediately attacked by sweet kisses and licks from Anthony. This is going completely wrong. Ian is supposed to caress Anthony, to kiss him, to lick him, to stroke him first. However, Anthony has managed to take over the whole situation. Ian is trying to keep up the speed of his hand's movement, stroking Anthony in the same rhythm as he is being stroked. Anthony's hand moves faster now, his grip tightens around Ian, his thumb running over the tip, making the other man moan in pleasure.

"Anthony… I… can't hold it in much longer…"

"You don't have to…", Anthony whispers back. "Just let go."

This is all Ian needs. Anthony's sweet words, his face so close to his, his hands caressing him, touching him at his most intimate spots. Ian screams out loud as he is releasing himself hard into Anthony's hand and against his belly. Anthony keeps on stroking him, so that he can ride out his intense orgasm, enjoying and devouring every bit of it. Ian opens his eyes and sees Anthony biting down on his lower lip. His body begins to shiver and tremble slightly, his panting increases while Ian keeps on jerking him off.

"Come for me, Anthony. I wanna see you come…"

"Ian…", is the almost inaudible answer which is followed by a loud moan filled with relief and pleasure. Anthony also comes hard and long into Ian's hand. He is panting heavily as he scoots closer to Ian, embracing him tightly and biting into his shoulders while he is devoured by a very energy consuming orgasm.

"Are you okay?", Ian asks smiling against Anthony's neck, placing a soft kiss here and there.

"Yes… But your shoulder isn't."

Ian feels a lick and a slightly painful sting.

"Doesn't matter. As long as you had fun.", he answers, pulling Anthony even closer. "I want you near me, Anthony. I want you close to me. I never want you to leave my side. I want you around me. All the time. I wanna be so close I can feel your heart beating." He looks up and stares lovingly into dark brown eyes. "I want to be your heart, Anthony."

"You are, Ian.", Anthony answers, gazing back, a soft smiling playing around his lips. "You are."

* * *

Ian opens his eyes and immediately checks the time. 5:28 am. Good. That's one of the things he is good at – wake up at a specific time. He looks to his left and is greeted by a very arousing sight. Anthony half-naked, tousled hair, lips parted, eyes closed, breathing calmly. Oh God, he would like to fuck Anthony so much right now. Straddle him, grinding his hips against the taller man, making him moan out loud, burying himself inside of Anthony, fingers entangled in his hair, pulling softly on them, watching him writhing under him in ecstasy.

But no. Not today. Some other time. Ian bites down hard on his lips. He tastes blood and stops.

His next steps have to be extremely careful and quiet. If Anthony wakes up before his alarm goes off at 7 am and finds out what Ian is about to do… No. He seems to be very much asleep. Ian slips from under the covers and out of the bed, almost sliding down to the ground. He straightens up, grabs he clothes he has prepared earlier that night, and tiptoes out of the bedroom. He closes the door behind him, taking a last glance at the sleeping man in his bed. He sighs deeply. Some other time. For sure.

He takes a very quick shower, dresses up in dark blue jeans, black shirt and his favorite leather jacket, takes his keys, puts on his black sneakers and leaves the house. Thankfully Daisy hasn't noticed him either. Everything is going great so far. He enters the garage and gets inside his BMW. Now comes the loud part. But if Anthony sees him now, it will be too late to stop him. Ian starts the engine and backs out of the garage. Still nothing. No Anthony. Perfect. He shifts into the first gear and drives off to work.

Almost an hour later he enters the ATLANTIS office building and takes the elevator to his office. He is sure he will run into someone, Shayne, Courtney, but they won't stop him either. The elevator doors slide open and he peaks into the hallway. No Courtney. Maybe she's at an early meeting which is even better than Ian has expected.

He quickly walks over to his office, unlocks the door and goes inside. Closing the door behind him he lets out a deep sigh of relief. Mission accomplished. Now he can finally take a look at all the files dealing with the Calvin Klein job. Progress, art work, schedules. None of this has been mentioned in the reports he got from Anthony. Although a lot of text, they were all kept very general and failed to describe the progress in detail. He knew that there was more to them seeing how exhausted Anthony came home from work. He had had to shorten the reports to a minimum which was a lot more time consuming than just giving Ian the complete files.

Ian is at his computer now, clicking here and there, checking his mails, reading through meeting protocols, looking at first schedules for the videos shoot etc. Everything looks actually great so far. Courtney has been doing an amazing job. And he can also see that she has included Anthony in every single meeting and work step so far. This is good news. He continues reading for another hour when his stomach starts making noises. Food. Coffee. And he's a bit sleepy to be completely honest. He rubs the back of his hand over his tired and probably red eyes. When he opens them again he almost has a heart attack. For real this time.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Courtney!", he shouts out, clutching his chest.

"Good Morning, Ian. What the hell are you doing here?", she asks, tapping her food on the floor, her arms crossed, brows furrowed. She does not look happy.

"I… I… I just… Uhm…", he stutters, not knowing whether to lie or to tell the truth.

"You are hopeless, you know that, right?", Courtney states matter-of-factly, dropping her arms and laughing out loud. He complete face lights up. Maybe she is not so angry after all. She goes over to the huge white leather couch and plops down on it.

"You look exhausted.", Ian notices as he walks over to her. "But I've seen you made huge progress on the job. It looks amazing, Courtney."

She looks up at him and smiles.

"Thanks, Ian, this means a lot." She pats on the spot next to her, a signal for Ian to sit down. "How are you doing? Do you feel any better?"

"Yes, very much so. So much, actually, that I am slowly going insane, Courtney. I need something to do."

"As I said. Hopeless.", she giggles in response. "You have four more days to go, then you are welcome to join us again. Until then, go home. Rest."

"If I hear that word one more time I'm gonna scream.", Ian says, leaning back. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Have you tried crocheting? I heard it's very relaxing."

Ian glares at her.

"Or… you could spend more time with Anthony.", she suggests which makes him Ian smile. "I'm planning on ending his familiarization time. He is doing so well, Ian. You chose well."

"I know.", he answers, not realizing his cheeks turning red.

"I'm happy to hear that. We are almost finished with the preparations for the video shoot. It'll all go down next week. I wanted to reward him for his great work and give him Friday off. Actually, I would like everyone to give Friday off, if that's fine with you."

"Yes, that's a great idea, Courtney.", he answers and leans his head against her shoulder. He hasn't done that in a while. He feels Courtney's hand on the back of his neck, stroking his hair gently. "I wouldn't know what to do without you. Thank you for everything, Courtney."

"It's nothing. You know, I love my job."

"No, I want you to know that. I am really thankful for all that you do, Courtney. For being there for me, through… basically everything. You have seen me at my worst and you still are here somehow. You are my best friend. I have listed you as my emergency contact." He slings an arm around her waist, pulling her closer. "You are my family. You are all I have. And I love you."

"Love you, too." Ian hears a soft sniffle and knows she is crying. "Okay, stop with all the emotional crap. I gotta go back to work."

Courtney stands up, brushing a hand over her cheeks.

"I'm leaving, too.", Ian says also getting to his feet. "I left Anthony a note. He is gonna be pissed as fuck. I bet he is already heading for the office right now."

Courtney comes closer and pecks him on the cheek.

"See you next week, Ian."

With that, she leaves his office and Ian goes to his desk to switch off his computer. He notices his phone blinking. 3 new messages and 4 missed calls from Anthony. He smiles.

"I love you, too, Anthony."


	12. Chapter 10 - Ian's feelings

**Title: Chapter 10 - Ian's feeling**

 **Warning: NC-17, smut, graphic sexual content**

 **A/N: A short filler chapter. I am sorry. I promise this is the last short chapter. Basically just smut.**

"It's quite early for lunch, don't you think?", Anthony says when Ian appears in his office to pick him up.

"You think? Well, maybe my appetite has increased after that whole exhaustion incident." Smirk.

Ian knows that he sounds nervous, his answer sounds very forced and doesn't come off as natural as he wants it to. Anthony seems to have noticed.

"Something is up. I can tell.", he begins and squints, eying Ian suspiciously as they are walking alongside to the elevator. "Just tell me. I'm gonna find out sooner or la-"

A sudden sideways push from Ian ends his sentence abruptly. Ian has shoved him into a small closet full of office materials. He takes out his keys and locks the door behind him.

"Ian! What are you doing?"

But Ian doesn't answer, instead he pushes his body against Anthony's until they hit a free spot on the wall. His lips are immediately on Anthony's, sucking wildly, slipping his tongue inside his boyfriend's mouth. He can tell that Anthony is completely taken by surprise but begins to smile when he notices Anthony leaning more and more into the kiss. He feels arms wrap around his waist, hands wandering up and down his back, pulling him even closer.

"Anthony… why do you have to wear that black v-neck today?", Ian grunts in between kisses. "I could eat you alive looking like that. Wanted to fuck you all day long." He runs his fingers gently over Anthony's arm creating goosebumps. Silent whimpers escape his sweet mouth. "But I guess a quickie has to do until we get home."

With that he attacks Anthony's neck with more licks and gentle bites, slowly sliding down onto his knees.

"Ian…", Anthony moans, his hands on Ian's shoulders.

Ian looks up and the sight he is presented with is incredibly arousing. Anthony's cheek red, half-opened mouth, biting down onto his lower lip, his eyes closed tightly, head tilted back, resting against the wall.

"Beautiful...", he says in a low voice while his hands unbutton and unzip Anthony's jeans, pulling them down only a bit. He starts massaging Anthony's crotch, feeling his hardon through the fabric of his black Calvin Klein briefs. The company got a lot of them, as a little thank you present for the incredible job they had done with the campaign. They suit Anthony almost too well.

A few more rubs from Ian and Anthony begins bucking his hips, making Ian grin. He reaches inside the briefs and pulls out Anthony's hard erection, stroking it gently at first, running a thumb over the tip. Long, slow strokes. That's how he always starts his sessions with Anthony. He knows it will slowly drive his boyfriend crazy. Anthony breathes heavily now, getting more and more turned by the second. He brings a hand up to his face, covering his eyes.

"You are too cute to handle, you know that?", Ian snickers.

"I'm sorry… I'm not used to such...", Anthony answers but stops when Ian suddenly licks him from the base to the tip. He inhales sharply at that sudden sensation.

"To such what? Display of affection?", Ian asks while treating Anthony's dick like a sweet sugary lollipop, paying special attention to the tip, licking away some precum.

"Public… Public display of affection.", Anthony corrects him, still hiding his face behind his hand.

"This barely counts as public, love." Ian takes a hold of Anthony's arm and pulls it down, revealing a very flushed and red face. "Look at me, Anthony. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Just lean back and enjoy the ride."

Anthony locks eyes with Ian and nods slowly, yet still chewing on his lower lip. Ian builds up a little bit of saliva before slowly taking Anthony in his mouth. He covers his teeth with his lips as to not hurt Anthony and begins sucking, slowly at first, then more forcefully, speeding up the rhythm of his movements. He swirls his tongue around his boyfriend's cock, caressing the sides, hand firmly around the base. He has difficulty keeping his boyfriend still. Anthony is thrusting his hips now, trying to hit the back of Ian's throat. Ian knows by the clenching and tightening of Anthony's balls that he is very close to coming. He puts more pressure on the base with his hand, jerking off Anthony while at the same time sucking even harder, earning groans and whimpers from his lover.

"Ian… what are you doing to me?", he pants, now gripping Ian's shoulders tightly.

Ian changes the angle of his head so that Anthony is hitting the back of his throat now. And then it doesn't take long, just a few more seconds, a few more strokes, a few more licks. Anthony lets out a loud and extensive moan as he finally releases himself hard and for what seems like forever into Ian's mouth. After swallowing it all he keeps on sucking and stroking for a little while longer, letting Anthony ride out his intense orgasm. Luckily, he is holding on to Ian since he almost falls forward.

"Satisfied?", Ian asks, kissing the tip, licking it clean and then looking up with a broad smirk. He covers Anthony's hands, which are still digging painfully into his shoulders, with his own.

"Very.", is the only thing he brings out, still panting heavily while pulling up his pants.

"Good." Ian stands up and embraces Anthony tightly. "I love you, Anthony."

"I love you, too.", the other man whispers into his ear. "My heart… it's beating so fast."

"I'm glad I am the reason for that.", he answers and lays a hand on Anthony's chest. "Here." He takes Anthony's hand and places it over his heart. "Feel that?"

"Your heart."

"It's all yours."

Anthony blushes again while Ian pecks him on the cheek.

"Come on, let's go eat.", he suggests, taking Anthony by the hand leading his boyfriend out of the room.

"But… what about you?"

Ian looks over his shoulder with lust shining in his eyes and a little smirk.

"I'll get mine later."

* * *

"Ian? Are you busy?", Courtney peaks her head inside of Ian's office, looking a bit worried.

"No, not really. What's up?"

Courtney enters the room and walks over to his desk.

"Ryan's calling."

Ian looks up from the computer screen, eyes wide, mouth open.

"What?"

"He heard about what happened to you."

"From whom?"

"From me."

"Courtney! Why did you do that?"

"Talk. Make up. Now." Courtney hands him her cellphone. "You're gonna thank me later."

Ian takes the phone a bit hesitantly and leads it to his ear. He gesticulates for Courtney to leave him alone but she just sits down on the chair right in front of his desk. Apparently she is staying. He sighs.

"Hello?"

"Ian? Hi! How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks."

Pause.

"How's Minnesota?"

"Actually amazing. The landscape here is so much more different. The lakes, the mountains… Maybe you wanna come and visit me sometime… only if you want to."

"Why are you calling, Ryan?", he asks, sounding a bit annoyed which earns him a scolding look from Courtney.

"I just wanted to check up on you. I've heard what happened. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. It was just exhaustion. I take better care of myself now."

"Good, that's good."

Pause.

"Listen, Ian… I wanted to apologize. For what I said the last time we spoke. I crossed a line. I know how important David was to, what he meant to you. I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm really sorry, Ian."

Ian sighs again.

"It's fine. I… I shouldn't have punched you. I was just so… mad."

"I get it. You don't need to apologize for that. I deserved that."

Pause.

"You still got a hell of a right hook."

Ian chuckles. Courtney beams at him.

"You think so? I don't know, man, I think I'm slacking off."

Ian chuckles again.

"Hey, you think I can bring someone along when I come to visit?"

"Sure! Of course! Bring whoever you want!"

"Thanks, man."

Pause.

"I don't wanna keep you from getting your work down. Don't wanna make you slacking off at work, too."

"Dickhead."

"Douche nugget."

"See you soon, Ryan."

"See you, Ian."

He hangs up and lays the phone on the desk.

"So?", Courtney asks curiously. "What did he say?"

"He apologized."

"And?"

"And I'm gonna tell Anthony that we're going to Minnesota this summer."

* * *

Anthony under him. Panting. Moaning. Hair glued to his forehead. Lips parted. Whimpering. Begging for release. Ian's thrusts becoming faster, wilder. Lust taking over completely. Purest form of ecstasy. Skin on skin. Heated up bodies. Heavy breathing. Groaning. Screams getting louder. So intense. Ian can feel every single movement, every single twitch. He leans forward. Anthony's legs over his shoulder. Thrusting deeper. Adjusting the angle. Hitting his sweet spot with every forceful push. Anthony's fingernails scratching Ian's back, leaving bloody red marks. Ian shouting in pain yet also arousal.

After both of them having experienced very intense and breathtaking orgasms Ian collapses onto Anthony's tanned and perfect body, showering his face with kisses.

"That was… incredible.", Anthony breathes out, brushing his head against Ian's.

"I'm so happy you liked it."

He pulls out slowly, tosses away the used condom and lies down next to Anthony, covering them both with some light sheets and then taking his lover into his arms.

"I love when you do that."

"What?"

"Resting your head on my chest." Ian says while playing with Anthony's hair.

"I love listening to your heartbeat. It's so fast, excited, and then it slows down to a steady rhythm." Anthony pecks Ian's chest. "I love it."

They lie like this for a while, the only sounds being them breathing and an occasional slight movement from stroking and patting eachother's bodies.

"Anthony?"

"Yes?"

"I've been thinking."

"About what?"

"You've been staying here a lot lately. And also sleeping over-"

"I'm sorry! I don't want to be a burden to you!" Anthony sits up at once, looking at Ian with apologetic and concerned eyes. "I… I can go if you want."

"No, that's not what I meant." Ian snickers. "I mean, why don't you move in? I have a spare guest room, which is basically your room already. I could decorate it for you, if you want. Buy new furniture. A nice desk. A new closet. Some drawers." He pauses abruptly. "A new bed…"

"Ian Hecox, I am not moving in so that you can have sex with me wherever and whenever you want!"

"Really?" Ian raises an eyebrow, though a little smile is playing around his lips.

Anthony blushes, eyes wide, before ling back down, scooting even closer to Ian.

"I'm moving in because I love you. And I want to be close to you. I want to wake up every morning seeing your face. I wanna take care of you. I wanna make you breakfast. I wanna go for a walk with you and Daisy. I want to fall asleep with you by my side."

Ian kisses the top of Anthony's head, nuzzling his hair.

"I would like that, too."

* * *

Ian is lying on his couch waiting for Anthony to return from his walk with Daisy. It's been two weeks now that Anthony has moved in and Ian couldn't be happier. Seeing Anthony everyday, seeing him happy and smiling, dancing around in the kitchen while cooking. All of these little things are a blessing to Ian. He has never thought that he could love again like that. Not after David. But right now he is actually considering to get married. Not now. But at some point in time.

He hears the door unlocking and Daisy barging in, running up to him and jumping on the couch.

"Hey, girl, did you have fun on your walk?" He pats her head and she licks his head happily before running back to the front door. Ian sits up and sees Anthony walking in. Slowly. Hunched over. Not looking good at all.

"Anthony? What is wrong?", Ian asks and gets up from the couch. As he comes closer he notices Anthony's very pale face. "Anthony! Are you okay?"

"Yes… I'm fine… It's just… we were running…", he says taking short breaths.

"Are you sure it's not something else?" He feels his forehead and compares it to his own. "No fever."

"Told you. I'm fine.", Anthony answers, catching his breath slowly. "I'm going to lie down for a while. I'm a bit tired. From the walk."

"Okay.", Ian says, still concerned about the well-being of his boyfriend. "I'll make you a cup of tea."

"Thanks, love."

He pecks Ian's cheek and retrieves to his room, closing the door shut. Ian watches him closely. He heads to the kitchen and pours some water into the electric kettle and switches it on.

A strange feeling spreads out through Ian's entire body. It starts deep down in his gut, twisting his stomach around, making him feel sick, wandering up, passing his heart, leaving a stinging pain before moving into his head and causing a severe headache. He can't shake it off. That strange feeling.

Something is not right. Something is wrong with Anthony.


	13. Chapter 11 - Ian's world

**Title: Chapter 11 - Ian's world**

 **A/N: Okay, this is a short chapter. Again. I'm sorry. Hopefully this will be the last one. Stop! Angst time.**

His mind is somewhere else. It's not where it should be. It's not here at the meeting. It's not here with Courtney. It's not listening to her talking about the next weeks and upcoming schedules. It's not here with his co-workers and friends.

It's with Anthony.

He is sitting behind him, typing away on his computer. Ian cannot see him but the knowledge that he is there, right here in the same room, is somehow calming. On the other hand, however, it's the exact opposite of it. Since Anthony's fatigue episode a week ago, Ian cannot stop thinking about it. Pale face. Short breaths. Tired eyes. He says he is feeling better, but Ian has made other observations. Anthony is getting tired pretty fast now. He's dozing off while watching a movie or reading a book. He's quickly out of breath. It can be something as easy as walking up some stairs or going a bit faster than usual. And he is till a bit pale. Too pale for Ian's taste.

And that's why Ian hasn't been paying much attention to his surroundings lately. He almost ran into a wall the other day, his thoughts occupied with Anthony's health and condition. And that's also why this meeting is annoying the fuck out of him right now. He needs to leave. Now. With Anthony. He needs to know what's up. He's thinking about sending Anthony to a doctor, his doctor to be precise. The best one in LA.

Ian is more focused on Anthony's breathing rhythm than on Courtney's presentation. She is talking to Joshua and Matt now, something about changes in the schedule. Again. Not paying attention at all.

"… I would say we should include that definitely into our schedule. Do you agree?"

Courtney's voice suddenly zones in, yet Ian hasn't understood a single thing.

"Ian? Do you agree?"

He jumps when he hears his name and looks at Courtney.

"What?"

She sighs.

"Matt's suggestions concerning the newest scripts?"

Ian turns his head so he can face Matt. By doing so he also notices how everyone else is staring at him in confusion.

"Uhm… yeah, sure. Sounds good." He stands up abruptly, startling everyone. "I'm sorry, Courtney, can you finish this? I don't feel so good."

Not true. He just can't concentrate on work things right now. He needs to go home. He notices that Anthony has stopped typing, probably staring at him, too.

"Is everything alright?", Courtney asks, worry vibrating in her voice.

"Yeah, fine. I'm just… Maybe I'm coming down with something. I've been feeling weird all week." He smiles at her, trying to calm her down with that gesture. She seems to believe it.

"Okay. You can take the rest of the week off, if you want. There's not much to do now. I'll send you the schedules and reports per mail."

"Thanks. See you. Bye, guys!" He waves and glances at Anthony, who looks like he is ready to leave. "Anthony, let's go.", he adds in a low voice. He motions for him to come along and they both leave the conference room.

About an hour later Ian unlocks the front door and lets them both inside.

"Okay, you! Off to bed!", Anthony orders, pointing to the bedroom. "Lied down. I'm gonna make you some tea."

"But I'm not-"

"Not one more word. Go!"

Ian doesn't dare to talk back so he takes a quick hot shower before lying down in his bed. To be honest, he really feels kind of sick. Well, not really sick because of some made-up illness, but rather sick with worry. His thoughts are interrupter by Anthony entering the room with a tablet, on it two cups with lovely smelling and steaming tea, and a freshly prepared fruit salad.

"You feel better?", Anthony asks and puts the tablet on the nightstand next to Ian.

"A little." Ian makes room for Anthony to lie down beside him. "Come. Lie with me for a while."

The dark haired man smiles and does as he is told.

"I hope I don't catch whatever you have."

"Don't worry, it's not contagious.", Ian answers, hugging his boyfriend tightly.

He wants to ask Anthony so many questions. Are you alright? What is wrong? How can I help? Let me help! Why are you hiding your condition from me? I don't wanna lose you. However, Ian has been asking these questions almost every day of the last week now, so often actually, that Anthony got really pissed at some point. And so Ian has stopped asking. But the strange gut feeling is still there.

"Anthony?"

"Hm?" A sleepy mumble. Ian smiles.

"Nothing. Sleep, my love."

"…love you…", Anthony answers, right before falling asleep wrapped in Ian's loving embrace.

"Love you, too.", Ian whispers and closes his eyes drifting off into an uneasy sleep.

 _~***~ DREAM SEQUENCE ~***~_

People. Everywhere. Hovering over him. Touching him. Shaking him.

 _Focus. One person at a time. You know no one. None of these faces seem to be familiar. No one is here that you know. No one but one._

Dark brown hair. Messy. Tousled. Strains falling into his eyes.

Eyes. Brown eyes. Sad eyes. Brows furrowed. Sadness. Depression. Frustration.

Tears. Crying. Sobbing. Tears. So many tears

 _Anthony._

He's calling out to him. Screaming loud. Desperation. Sadness. Sad eyes.

"IAN! WAKE UP!"

Ian opens his eyes. Surrounded by darkness. A light. A small bright light. He's heading for it.

"Ian!"

Anthony. Anthony is calling him. He's getting closer.

"Ian!"

 _Anthony. I'm coming, Anthony. I'm almost there._

Heartbeat. His heart.

A sudden strong breeze makes him stop. He stops running. The light is fading away. Fading.

He blocks the wind with his arms, covering his face, his eyes shut tightly. The wind stops. He opens his eyes again. His hands. Transparent. Almost see-through. He's fading.

Heartbeat. His heart.

"Ian!"

Anthony. He's still calling him. He's not giving up.

Ian starts running again. Faster this time. Speeding towards the light. It's there again. Very small, almost not visible. But it's there.

 _Anthony. I'm coming._

A sudden hand on his shoulder. He stops running. Another hand getting a hold of his right foot.

No. He has to keep moving. No. Let go.

 _LET ME GO!_

He can't move. Not a single step.

"Ian!"

 _Anthony!_

A dark figure appears in front of him. Blackness. Darkness. Nothing. A red grin. A grimace. A horrific and terrifying view. That grin. That smirk. Evil. Ian stares at it in shock. It's reaching out. Something that looks like a hand with sharp claws. It invades Ian's chest. Slowly. Very slowly. Scream. Pain. Agonizing pain. It's taking its time. Ripping flesh apart. Breaking rib bones. Spilling warm red fluids.

The black Nothing rips something out of Ian's chest. Blood red. Dripping blood. Red. Everything is turning red. Ian is covered in redness. Blood red. Blood. Teeth clenched, eyes squinted in pain. He peeks through them and sees what the Nothing is holding.

Ian's beating heart. His heart.

"No. It's not yours.", the Nothing growls in a distorted voice. High pitched, yet deep and dangerous at the same time.

"It's Anthony's heart."

 _~***~ END OF DREAM SEQUENCE ~***~_

Ian enters the kitchen and is welcomed by the most adorable view ever. Anthony, in black Calvin Klein briefs, a white shirt, a bit too big for him, his phone in one hand, a wooden spoon in the other one, earphones plugged in, shaking his hips, singing along to "Adventure of a Lifetime" in the sweetest and most innocent voice possible.

That's his Anthony. Funny. Energetic. Full of life.

He tries to keep out of Anthony's sight, creeping around the kitchen and approaching him from the back. He gets close enough to finally wrap his arms around his boyfriend's waist, swaying along with him. Anthony squeals cheerfully in surprise, yet doesn't back away but leans into Ian's touch.

Ian wants to stay like this forever. His arms wrapped securely around his lover's body, protecting him from every harm or pain. He whirls Anthony around, and they laugh out loud. He pulls him closer again, kissing him gently, burying his face in the nook between Anthony's neck and shoulder. Their wild dance calms down, they start to just slowly sway their entangled bodies from side to side, holding on to each other. The kitchen becomes their stage. They dance and everything around them starts fading away. They forget the time, forget the dirty dishes, forget their dinner. Ian just sees Anthony, his beautiful boyfriend. He cannot imagine being without him. How different would his life had turned out if he hadn't picked Anthony as his personal assistant. If he had insisted on an evening off. If he had just picked the first best random guy.

Anthony was no random guy. He was special from the start. Ian remembers every bit about that interview. Their first talk. The nervous and shy boy who pulled a 180 over the weekend and surprised Ian with so much confidence. Now he knows that he's been in love with Anthony ever since that first meeting.

Ian regrets pushing him away. How could he do that? Must have been some weird case of brain death. He clings on to Anthony's body even tighter, brushing his head against Anthony's. It has become some kind of their little thing. That gentle, loving head brushing. Ian loves those little gestures between them. Their little kisses. Their subtle touches. Their heartily laughs. And now he can add something else. Another moment with the one he loves included on a long list of his favorite moments.

Dancing with Anthony in the kitchen.

* * *

Today's the day. It's been too long already. He promised Anthony a while ago. There hasn't been time. But today it's going to happen.

The Santa Monica Pier Aquarium is not that far away, just a half-an-hour drive. But Ian wants to get there early so they'll have time for lying on the beach and enjoying eachother's company. He wants to see Anthony in trunks, playing with him in the ocean, spraying water on him, having a water battle, and then return to their beach towels and relaxing in the sun. He wants to lay his arm around Anthony, playing with his wet hair. He wants to see him smile. His beautiful and gorgeous smile.

They are sitting in Ian's BMW, Ian driving, Anthony looking out the window.

"I'm so glad we're doing this.", Anthony says.

"Me, too." Ian reaches out to take Anthony's hand in his. "Your hand is cold."

Anthony pulls his hand quickly away at that.

"It's nothing… I'm cold all the time."

"Anthony, are you sick?"

"No, I'm fine.", Anthony snaps, but then changes his tone again to a loving and caring one. "Just… drive. I wanna do this. I wanna go to the beach with you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please. I want to spend the day with you."

Anthony looks at Ian, giving him that smile Ian cannot resist. He nods and drives on. 15 minutes later they reach the parking lot of the Pier Aquarium. Ian gets out of the car first and opens up the trunk to get his wallet from his backpack. He hears the door of the passenger seat open and Anthony get out.

"Anthony, you need something from your backpack?"

No answer.

"Or something to drink?"

Still no answer.

"Anthony?"

Ian closes the trunk and goes to check on his boyfriend.

The passenger door is still open. Anthony is not in the car. His motionless body is lying on the ground.

Ian's world begins to crumble.


	14. Chapter 12 - Ian's questions

**Title: Chapter 12 - Ian's questions**

 **A/N: At the hospital.**

People. Everywhere. Hovering over him. Touching him. Shaking him slightly.

He can make out some faces. Courtney is one of them. Shayne. He knows Shayne. But the other ones are a complete blur. Paramedics. Yes, their blue jackets give them away. They are kneeling in front of someone lying on the floor. Dark brown hair. Slim body. Eyes closed. Is he breathing?

"I got a pulse.", one of the paramedics says. "It's weak, but it's there."

"Temperature's 105 F. He's burning up."

"Okay, let's get an IV bag."

Ian watches the two paramedics lift Antony on a stretcher and roll him into the ambulance. That's right. He called for one. Anthony was unconscious on the ground. He shook him a few times but he didn't wake up. So he called an ambulance. He can't remember if he checked his pulse or if he noticed Anthony's high body temperature. He should, though.

"Ian, they are leaving!" Courtney's voice shakes him up and he looks at her. "Go with them, I'll drive your car to the hospital. We'll meet you there."

He nods in response, climbs into the back of the car and they drive off. He sits down on a bench right next to Anthony. He holds his hand tightly, squeezing it from time to time. He hopes to wake him up by doing that, but it is in vain. Anthony's eye are closed. His face is partly covered with a see-through oxygen mask. It seems like he has trouble breathing. A weak pulse. They said that before. A needle goes right up his left arm vein, pumping fluids into him. He looks weaker and paler than Ian has ever seen him.

"Sir, do you know if he has any allergies? Or any sort of medical conditions?"

Ian stares at the young paramedic in front him. He shakes his head slowly.

"I don't know. He never told me."

The two paramedics look at each other. Ian knows exactly what they are thinking. He should know this. He is his boyfriend. He loves him. And yet he doesn't know the most important things about Anthony. Medical conditions and history. Allergies. Old injuries. What makes him sick. What makes him feel better. He knows other things. What makes Anthony smile and laugh out loud. The small sparkles in his eyes when he looks at Ian. The way he throws his hair back when some strains fall into his eyes, disturbing his vision. He knows these kinds of things. The not important ones.

Two doctors are already waiting for them outside the emergency room when they reach the hospital. Anthony is being rushed inside with Ian following him closely. He wants to be at his side when he wakes up. He doesn't want him to be alone.

The emergency room is packed with people. Doctors running around, patients lying in beds, some screaming in pain, some just waiting to get stitched up. He loses Anthony. They must have brought him in some room. He's looking around but he can't find him nor the doctors. He starts to panic. He needs to be there when Anthony opens his eyes. He needs to be there at his side.

"Ian!", a familiar voice calls out to him. It's Shayne with Courtney at his side. She runs up to him and hugs him tightly.

"Do they already know what happened to Anthony?", she asks worriedly.

"High fever. Something about a weak pulse.", Ian answers, emotionless. "I… I can't find him. They brought him in… and now he's gone…"

Courtney tries to calm him down as they walk up to the information desk. The find out that Anthony is being taken to a single patient room. Room number 240, 2nd floor. They take the elevator upstairs.

He can't cry, he can't scream. It seems like there is nothing left inside of him. However, there are some feelings that force themselves onto the surface. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Desperation. Frustration. And guilt. He blames himself for the state he put Anthony in. He should have followed his gut and sent Anthony to a doctor. But he wouldn't go. Ian has the feeling he is about to know why.

When they arrive at the right floor, Anthony is still nowhere to be found. A nurse tells them that a CT and an ultrasound have been ordered and that he hasn't returned yet. So they wait. It takes about one more hour until they finally see Anthony being rolled into the room again. They enter and are greeted by the beeping and pumping of different machines. His pulse is still weak, his heart beating at a slow rhythm. He's still hooked up to an IV bag. The oxygen mask has been replaced by two small tubes going into his nose. His breathing rhythm is calm and steady, but his forehead is still covered in beads of sweat.

They all sit down on chairs around the bed. There is nothing left to do but wait for Anthony to wake up.

* * *

Ian is alone with Anthony. Courtney and Shayne went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat and some coffee for all of them. A nurse has come in and out every once in a while, checking up on Anthony's state. Pulse is still weak, but the fever has gone down thanks to the meds. Ian sitting on a chair right next to the bed, his arms resting on the bed, holding Anthony's hand and rubbing his knuckles with his thumb.

"Wake up, Anthony. Please. For me.", he whispers. "Why didn't you tell me you were sick? I would have never gone with you to the beach if I had known…"

He squeezes Anthony's hand tightly before his head drops on his arms.

"…ouch…"

Ian jumps when he hears Anthony's complaint.

"Anthony?"

"Hey.", is the weak response. Anthony's eyelids flutter open and two dark brown jewels look into Ian's ocean blue ones.

"Hey", Ian says softly, cupping his boyfriend's face. "Welcome back."

"What happened?"

"You collapsed."

"What?"

"Your temperature was pretty high.", Ian explains, not being able to take his eyes off his lover. Anthony's awake. And talking. And Ian wants to believe he's better. "How do you feel now?"

"Tired. Exhausted.", Anthony breathes out and tries to sit up a bit more.

"No, lie back down. I'm gonna get the doctor."

"No, Ian don't-"

But Ian has already stood up and is out of the room. He sees a nurse and tells her that Anthony has woken up. A few minutes later a tall middle-aged black man with glasses approaches Ian. He is followed by two other, much younger looking doctors, Ian guesses interns, and they all go inside the room to talk to Anthony.

"Mr. Padilla, I'm Dr. Burke, the cardiothoracic surgeon of this hospital."

"Cardio… you mean like heart surgeon?", Ian interrupts him, looking worried.

"Yes. Are you his husband?"

"Boyfriend, actually. Ian Hecox."

Dr. Burke looks at Anthony who shakes his head. Ian cannot believe this.

"You don't want me here?"

"No. Please, Ian. Can you please… just wait outside?"

"No! I want to know what's wrong!" Ian's voice is vibrating with anger. "You won't tell me, so let me stay, Anthony!"

Anthony looks away, frowning.

"Okay.", he finally says calmly. "He can stay."

"Okay, then.", Dr. Burke begins. "Mr. Padilla, We've made some basic tests to find out why your pulse is so low. I also requested your medical record from Seattle. And that's why I'm here now." He pauses which makes Anthony look at him. "I am here to talk to you about your heart condition."

Heart condition? Anthony has a heart condition? He turns his head to look at Anthony, hoping to get an explanation, but Anthony avoids his glance.

"It's gotten worse, hasn't it?", Anthony asks.

"I'm afraid so."

"What is it? What kind of heart condition does he have?", Ian wants to know. Now is the time he finally will get answers to some questions. If Anthony won't tell him, he has to find out himself.

"Mr. Padilla has what we call ischemic cardiomyopathy." He addresses Anthony again. "It basically means that your heart's ability to pump blood is decreased. You heart's main pumping chamber, specifically the left ventricle, is enlarged, which makes it dilated and weak. This causes the ischemia, which is a lack of blood supply to the heart muscle. The high fever weakened your heart even more, hence the weak pulse. Have you experienced other symptoms recently which made you believe your heart got weaker?"

Anthony stays silent for too long, so that Ian answers for him.

"Yes, he has. He's tired more easily and pale. And he gets exhausted more easily."

"Any shortness of breath?"

"Yes, that too.", Ian answers, his eyes fixed on Anthony who still won't look at him.

"What do I do?", Anthony finally asks.

"I'll prescribe you some beta-blockers and ACE inhibitors to improve the cardiac function. But…"

"But what?", Ian asks concerned. He notices Courtney and Shayne standing in the door frame now, the same worried expression on their faces.

"We have to consider the fact that your heart is slowly giving up. That the medication won't work."

There is a moment of silence before Dr. Burke speaks on.

"There is still hope. We will put you on the UNOS transplant waiting list for a new heart. You have to fill out a few forms, but whether you will be included on that list is up to me. I will write the recommendation myself, so don't worry about that. I'll have one of my interns bring you the forms."

"What about the weak pulse?" Why isn't Anthony asking these questions?

"The meds should help with that. However, Mr. Padilla, I urge you very much to rest. No stress. No heavy lifting. No overexertion. We want to avoid your heart getting even weaker. Next time, this could be a heart attack. And then our time frame to find you a new heart will be shortened drastically."

"I understand.", Ian says seriously.

"I would also like you to come back for a few tests."

"What kinds of tests?"

"The whole package. A thorough physical exam, blood test, ECG, chest x-ray, echocardiogram, exercise stress test, CT and MRI scan. The medical record we got from Seattle is outdated. Updating your record will increase your chances of getting a new heart faster. Make an appointment for this week."

"Does that mean he can go home now?"

Dr. Burke shakes his head.

"You will have stay overnight for observation. You will be discharged tomorrow afternoon if your stats show any signs of improvement. We will start the medical treatment right away."

Ian peaks over at Anthony. He is looking out the window, his eyes focused on some distant point. He looks so sad, worried and… scared. Just like Ian himself. He doesn't want Anthony to be alone tonight.

"Do you have a room for… family members?", Ian asks, slightly embarrassed.

"Yes, of course. Dr. Pierce will show you where you can stay the night."

One of the interns steps forward, a young female doctor. Ian gets up, shakes Dr. Burke's hand and thanks him for the update.

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow.", he says and leaves the room.

* * *

When Courtney leaves she is shaking with worry about Anthony's well-being, she is not able to calm down at all. She hugs him over and over again, comforting him, assuring him that everything will be alright. Anthony just nods, though with a very fake smile on his face, Ian can tell. Finally, Shayne says he will bring her home, seeing that she is not in the right mind to drive on her own. They say their goodbyes and leave Ian alone with Anthony.

It's around 8 pm now. Ian is sitting on a very uncomfortable chair beside Anthony's bed. He has decided earlier to stay with Anthony until he falls asleep. But his boyfriend doesn't seem to be too happy about that decision. He avoids Ian's eyes once again. His answers are one-worded, without the slightest hint of feeling. Ian is not able to read his boyfriend's mind right now. He must be scared, obviously. They are sitting there in silence for a good half an hour until Ian decides to give it another try and talk to Anthony about the whole situation. Whether he likes it or not.

"How do you feel?" Always a good starter to break the ice.

"Still tired." Seems to be an honest answer. Though it's not the one Ian wants to hear.

"I meant the diagnosis. How do you feel about that?"

Anthony stays silent.

"You know, you gotta have to talk about it eventually. And I won't stop asking questions until you start giving me answers. I can go on like that forever. Like… Literally forever." _Okay, stop that valley talk right now._ "I can go and on about me being disappointed and frustrated with this situation. How you obviously do not trust me at all. Like… literally not at all." _Enough already!_ "I don't understand you, Anthony. Why wouldn't you tell me such important information? Out of all the people you know? What about your parents? Do they know? I really don't get it. Can you just please start talking and tell me-"

"Shut up, Ian! Shut the fuck up!"

His boyfriend's sudden outburst silences Ian at once. That is not his Anthony. Not like this. Anthony sighs deeply and sits up in his bed.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"It's okay. I understand. You're scared."

"That is the point, Ian. I am not scared. Not at all.", Anthony answers.

"Why not? I mean, I am scared to death. And it's not even my heart." Ian pauses for a moment. "Well, I mean… It is somehow." He scoots closer with his chair to stop Anthony's nervous hands from fumbling by laying his own hands over them. "Or isn't it?"

"Of course, it is." Although he is watching Ian's hands closely, Ian can see that Anthony's cheeks are covered with silent tears. "My heart is yours. Forever. I'm not scared because I have known about my heart condition for so long that I sometimes forget I even have one. I've learned to live with it. I've never been that sick, though. Never had such a high fever. Never been taken to the hospital because of my weak heart. I guess, I was lucky. The doctor back in Seattle said something about my time being limited. And there would come a time when it just… would stop beating."

Ian closes his eyes and shakes his head. Frustrated. Desperate. These emotions won't leave him alone.

"I've decided a while ago that I would just… live my life to the fullest. I wanted to do something, you know? Something worth living for. Have a nice life. One I can look back at and just be content. I wanted to have a good job. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to find love. And I've accomplished it all… because I've met you, Ian. I can… go in peace now."

Ian looks up, confused.

"What do you mean by 'go in peace'?"

"I'm not having the surgery."

"The fuck you are!" Ian gets to his feet rapidly and energetically. "What are you even talking about? You are having this surgery! You are going onto that transplant waiting list! And I don't wanna hear another word! Understood?"

"But, Ian, be reasonable. Just… shut up and think for a moment. How can I even afford such a huge surgery? Or the meds that are supposed to help me? I don't have the money to-"

"You have the money. I am the money."

Anthony simply stares at him wide-eyed.

"I cannot accept that offer, Ian. I can't…"

Ian gestures for Anthony to move over. He then takes off his shoes and lies down beside him. He wraps an arm around his shoulders, Anthony's head now resting on his chest. He takes his lover completely into his arms, beginning to rock him gently while stroking his hair and kissing his head.

"You can. And you will. I won't take now for an answer. I will take care of you, Anthony."

Ian notices Anthony's body trembling and shaking slightly. He tries to cry silently but fails.

"Thank you, Ian…", he whispers in between small sobs.

"I thought you'd already know by now that I'd do anything to keep you safe and away from any harm." He tightens the embrace. "I love you, Anthony. I am not ready to let you go.


	15. Chapter 13 - Ian's scared

**Title: Chapter 13 - Ian's scared**

 **Warning: R, hinted smut, sexual content**

"No, Anthony, I won't. I can't.", Ian says forcefully. "I'll only end up hurting you."

"Ian, I'm not a little child. I know how I feel. The meds work. I feel better.", Anthony assures him.

Yet Ian doesn't believe him at all. He sits at the far end of the couch, Anthony at the other side, watching him closely. They were watching a movie before Anthony was attacking Ian's neck with sweet little kisses and licks. Ian pushed him away, moving away from him. That's where they are right now. Not having any kind of sexual or intimate relations. Nothing. Ian knows Anthony is pissed.

It's been only three days. Anthony can't be that much better. Clearly he is lying. Clearly he just wants to get into Ian's pants. Or the other way around. Whatever. Ian is not doing this. No fucking way.

"Will come closer?", Anthony asks, but Ian just stands up and walks over to the kitchen. He needs water. Cold water. Ice cold water. He needs to cool off. Anthony knows exactly what he has to do to get Ian going, to turn him on, to make him beg for Anthony's touch. But not today. He is NOT going to be fooled by his boyfriend's love tricks again. Well, at least not this time.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm thirsty.", Ian answers plainly, already at the sink and pouring himself a glass of water. He hears Anthony sigh deeply, then some shifting. Anthony has gotten up from the couch and is approaching Ian. He can hear his footsteps on the laminate floor, then on the light gray tiles of the kitchen. He is close. Ian doesn't dare to make the slightest movement. Maybe if he stays like this, he'll turn invisible?

Anthony's right behind him now. Back to chest. His lips are right next to Ian's left ear. His slim arms sling around Ian's waist gently.

"I want you, Ian." Low, seductive tone. Ian shivers. "I want to feel good. Please, Ian. I need you to make me feel better. I need to forget." Anthony's tone switched to a begging, desperation audible.

Ian turns around and looks into Anthony's dark brown gems. They are glistening, and two blinks later, one single tear runs down Anthony's right cheek. Ian leans forward and kisses it away.

"I'm scared…" Anthony's voice breaks, and that's the moment when Ian takes his crying boyfriend into his arms. He's rubbing his back soothingly while letting Anthony bury his face in his shoulder. "What if I don't get on the waiting list?"

"You'll get on it, don't worry."

"How can you be so sure that everything will be alright?"

"I just know."

Ian doesn't know. He hopes.

"I had a limited time on this earth. I knew that. I've gotten used to it. A few good years. Make the best out of it. But now…"

"What has changed?"

"I don't want to die. I wanna be with you."

Their embrace tightens. Anthony is tugging on Ian's shirt as if being afraid that Ian might just vanish.

"You will be, love. I will do anything in my power to make that happen, okay?"

Ian means it. He will do anything, give everything, spend every single dollar of his money just to make Anthony healthy again. He would give his own heart if he could. Just so that Anthony could live.

"What if I don't get a heart? What do I do then? I don't wanna die… I don't wanna die…", Anthony repeats over and over again.

Ian stays silent. He realizes that there are no words he can say that will comfort Anthony right now. He is too agitated right now, too upset. So he just holds him, wrapped up in the most loving embrace possible, and lets him soak his shirt with tears of sadness.

Later that evening Ian returns from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, and finds a bare-chested Anthony sitting cross-legged on their bed, clicking away on his laptop.

"What are you reading?"

"About heart surgeries."

Ian shakes his head.

"Maybe you should give yourself a break.", Ian says lowly, dropping the towel to the ground and putting on briefs and pajama pants. It's another one of those hot summer nights in LA. No shirt tonight. He joins Anthony on the bed, kissing his shoulder.

"I need to read this. I have to know what kind of complications may occur. I need to be prepared."

Ian lies back down, his head hitting the pillow.

"I'll go with you tomorrow.", he states.

"Where?"

"Your appointment at the hospital."

Anthony looks at him over his shoulder, smiling, blushing.

"Okay."

Ian has had enough of talking about heart surgeries for one day. He sits back up, shuts Anthony's laptop and tosses it on the carpet in front of the bed.

"Hey! I wasn't finished with that article!"

But Ian doesn't listen. Instead he straddles his boyfriend's lap, slinging his arms around his neck and placing gentle kisses on his cheeks and lips.

"Make you a deal."

"Yes?"

"No more heart surgery talk until tomorrow morning. Your brain needs to rest."

"And what do I get in return?" A smirk playing around his lips.

Ian sighs deeply. He knows exactly what Anthony is hinting at. This is the only way to keep Anthony from thinking about the events of the next weeks. He's cheek to cheek with Anthony now, his lips close to Anthony's ear.

"I'll suck you off."

He can feel Anthony grinning broadly.

"Deal."

They fall back on the bed together, laughing, still wrapped in each other's arms.

And then it's like there is no heart surgery. No heath conditions. No worries. No medical appointments. No Dr. Burke. No hospitals. No tubes. No beeping machines.

It's just Ian and Anthony. His healthy, smiley, fun-loving Anthony.

The room is filled with moans. Panting. Heavy breathing. There is a lot of bucking and thrusting from Anthony's side, and a lot of sucking and licking from Ian's. Hands all over Anthony's body, exploring, gliding, grabbing, twisting. More moans, screams of lust and pleasure. Right before Anthony is about to come, Ian stops, earning a very insulted and angry look from Anthony. It quickly changes to a begging and pleading one, though.

"I don't want your heart to stop.", Ian says, a bit worried.

"It's fine…", Anthony breathes out. "Here." He takes Ian's hand and leads it to his heart. "Feel."

It's beating a bit faster, but still at a steady rhythm. Ian sighs relieved.

"See? I'm fine."

"What do you want me to do now?", Ian then asks, his body hovering over Anthony's, grinding up against his crotch, bringing their erections together.

"I want you, Ian…inside of me…please."

Ian obliges, yet he is still somehow worried that he might cause Anthony unnecessary pain. After all, the doctor said no overexertion. So he starts off very slowly, thrusting into Anthony's slim and fragile body at a very slow pace, giving him time to adjust, to get comfortable and relax. He speeds up his moves gradually, which drives Anthony almost crazy. Ian can tell that by the way he is writhing under him, shifting, pushing back against Ian's thrusts. He changes the angle, aiming for Anthony's prostrate, earning even more sweet loud moans and screams from the sun-kissed man. Although or just because of the fact that Ian keeps a steady and not too fast rhythm, Anthony comes so hard and long that Ian almost fears that he is in fact having a heart attack. So he stops abruptly, but Anthony's hands push him back in deeper, so that Ian keeps in moving until Anthony's orgasm has passed completely. A few long and controlled thrusts later, Ian also reaches a very intense and overwhelming climax. It takes a few seconds until it passes and until he can slowly and carefully can pull out of Anthony again.

He gets up quickly to get rid of the condom and get Anthony some tissues to clean himself up. They put on their briefs and pajama pants again before laying back down on the bed. Anthony's wrapped up in Ian's arms again, breathing normally and calmly, which is a great relief for Ian. He's fine. His heart is still fine.

"I'm gonna have a very big scar.", Anthony suddenly breaks the silence. He shifts so that he lies on his back now right next to Ian, who has propped himself up on one elbow, holding his head. Anthony takes Ian's hand and traces a line over his chest. "Somewhere around here."

Ian doesn't need to look into his lover's eyes to notice them shimmer with worry and fear once again. He doesn't need to do that because his eyes are filled with worry and fear, too. So he simply closes for them a moment, capturing Anthony's heartbeat with his palm. It feels good. Anthony's here. Anthony's alive. It calms Ian down a little bit, enough to make his head hit the pillow and they both fall asleep.

There is no way in hell that they are going to stop talking about heart surgeries for the time being. He knows that now.

* * *

Ian hasn't been at the office in a while. He has been in and out to collect some work, but he has taken them home so that he can be with Anthony. Courtney is basically leading the company now, and she is doing a great job. She promoted Shayne, so that he could help her out more, and she has hired new employees for the script writing, animation and CGI and editing department. Courtney has kept him up-to-date with her choices, always checking back with him. It is his company, after all, but Ian doesn't really understand why she still does that. As vice CEO she doesn't really have to ask him every time she makes a decision. He trusts her completely with that. There will come a time again when he will be involved more again, when Anthony feels better, after the surgery.

He's in his office, collecting some more work, when Courtney enters with a stack of papers in her arms.

"Let me help you with that!", Ian exclaims when he sees her, taking some papers off the top.

"Thank you.", she answers and puts the rest of the papers on his desk.

"What are those?"

"Jobs.", she states shortly. "Since the Calvin Klein campaign finally started airing, they've been coming in like a flood."

"No shit."

"Yup. The company is doing really well, Ian. I hired new people just yesterday. We just need the help, I can't help it."

"Hey, you don't have to apologize for that. This is awesome news, Courtney! I am really proud of you and very, very thankful for … well basically everything." He chuckles and she smiles at him, cheeks all red.

"Isn't Anthony's appointment today?", she asks, changing the subject.

Ian nods.

"In two hours, actually. I just stopped by to pick up some work. Shall I have a look at some of those jobs?"

"Yes, of course! But only if you can spare the time."

"I got time, no problem. The tests will take up all day."

"How is he?"

"Pretty good. The meds seem to work, so at least he can just live his life for now. No shortness of breath. No fatigue. It's like he has no heart condition." He pauses and looks down on his shoes. "Makes me forget sometimes he even has one."

"It's gonna be fine, Ian. Everything will be fine." She pats his arm comfortingly.

Ian doesn't know why but Courtney's gentle touch triggered something in him. Just now. At that very moment. He has shown no signs of weakness so far, no crying, no tears. He has kept his feelings locked up inside of him. He needed to be strong for Anthony. But right here, where there is only him and his best friend, he just lets go of everything.

He knees are wobbly and weak. He falls to the ground. His body is shaking, trembling. Uncontrollable sobs come out of his mouth. Streams of tears run down his face. He buries his face in his hands, ashamed of this sudden outburst of emotions. But he can't help it. There is no better time than now. Before he sees Anthony later at the hospital.

Courtney kneels down right next to him, taking him in her arms, trying to calm him down. She says nothing. She lets him cry, and Ian is grateful for that. It takes a few minutes for him to finally stop crying. His eyes are red and swollen. Courtney hands him a tissue.

She doesn't ask him if he's alright. Or if there are more tears to come. She knows him too well for that, so she just helps him stand up. She takes a closer look at his face, at his whole appearance. She reaches into her pocket and takes out a key.

"You need to freshen up. Go to the bathroom. Take the one with the shower. There's a fresh towel. I'll bring you some new clothes."

Ian nods.

"Thank you, Courtney."

"You're welcome."

* * *

Ian arrives with Anthony at the hospital at 1 pm. They don't even have to wait a minute. Dr. Burke greets them and explains to Anthony what exactly will be done today. He also tells Ian that this might take up almost the entire day. But Ian doesn't mind. He is here for Anthony. He brought some work with him and asks the nurse for a quiet place. She leads him to a small conference room. And so Ian works and waits for Anthony to come back.

Dr. Burke wasn't lying when he said the tests would take some time. It's five hours later and Anthony is still being examined. He has already been to the cafeteria to get some food. Sandwiches, lots and lots of sandwiches and three bottles of coke. He wants to stay away, but fails miserably. His work is done within two hours and his eyes are starting to itch. Thankfully there is a couch in the room so that Ian can lie down and take a quick nap.

He is woken up half an hour later by a slight knock at the door. The nurse peaks in to tell him that Dr. Burke would like to talk to him. Ian immediately gets up, ruffles a hand through his hair and tries to look awake. A few minutes later Dr. Burke enters the room.

"Mr. Hecox, good to see you again."

"Dr. Burke, how is Anthony?", Ian immediately wants to. He is worried that the amount of tests made today were to much for his boyfriend.

"He's fine. The last test was a simple CT-scan. So, he should be right back."

"Do you have any news from UNOS?"

"Yes, in fact, that's why I'm here-"

Dr. Burke is interrupted by the door opening and Anthony walking in. He looks a bit exhausted but other than that he looks fine to Ian.

"Ah, perfect timing. I have really good news, Mr. Padilla."

Anthony goes over to Ian to stand beside him and looks curiously at his doctor.

"You are on the waiting list. This means you get this - " He hands Anthony a small pager. "If this pager starts beeping then we have found a heart for you. Wear it at all times."

Anthony stares at the pager in Dr. Burke's hand, hesitant to take it.

"How long will I stay on that list?", he asks, still not accepting the pager.

"You stay on it until you get a heart. Which may take a while, just so you know."

When Anthony still does not make a move to touch the pager, Ian reaches out and puts it in his pocket.

"Thank you, Dr. Burke."

"Sure, no problem."

Dr. Burke says goodbye to them both, shaking their hands, and leaves the room. Anthony watches him walk away and his eyes fix on the open door.

"Anthony, this is good news! You are on the list, you got a pager. As soon as they've found a heart, it will beep. We just have to wait for it to beep. That is all. You take your meds and everything's gonna be fine." Ian's words are supposed to sound encouraging and comforting, yet Anthony's face stays blank, no emotions visible.

"So, we wait.", he says in a low voice.

"Yes, that is all. We just wait. We wait for your new heart."

This is the moment Anthony turns his head and looks at Ian. His eyes hard. Serious. Almost angry. His next words are like thunder that rumble through the room, making Ian's face fall at once.

"Yes, Ian. We wait. We wait for someone to die, so I can live."


	16. Chapter 14 - Ian's outlet

**Title: Chapter 14 - Ian's outlet**

One month is a lot of time. 30 days. Or sometimes even 31. Best case you have 744 hours. That is a lot of time. You can do a lot in 744 hours. At least, that Ian has thought so far.

Every single second possible of the following 30 days Ian spends with Anthony. He learns how to cook Anthony's favorite meals, he goes out with him, they watch movies together, have long late-night conversations, do a sight-seeing tour through Los Angeles, and, finally, Ian takes Anthony to see the Pier Aquarium. He aim is to make Anthony as happy as possible.

It's as if Ian fears that every moment he spends with Anthony could be the last. He knows this is stupid, and negative thinking, and not the outcome Ian hopes for at all. However, this thought crosses his mind every single time they do something together. This could be the last time he sees Anthony smile. The last time he feels his body against his own. The last time his arms embrace him. The last time they kiss.

And it seems that Ian's subconscious has been right all along.

Ian has noticed it around the 20th day. Anthony has gotten weaker again. The meds are not having the same effect as before. He has even checked back with Dr. Burke to ask whether he increase the dosage. But it has been all in vain. Anthony is getting weaker. His heart is slowly giving up. And that stupid pager won't make a single sound.

It's Sunday morning. Ian is standing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast and making coffee. Tea for Anthony, though. It's a quite healthy breakfast. Tomatoes, scrambled eggs, whole-wheat bread, and for later fruit salad and yoghurt. Ian sets the table when he sees Anthony walking down the hallway. He smiles softly at Ian, scratching the back of his head and messing up his hair. Sleepy Anthony has always been Ian's favorite mood. His boyfriend is too cute to handle in that state.

"Morning.", Anthony greets him and pecks Ian on the cheek. "You made breakfast?"

"Yup. Only the best for you."

Recently Ian has trouble keeping a straight and strong voice. It seems like it's about to break every time he speaks. Maybe he's coming down with something.

They sit down at the table, taking seats right next to each other, and dig in. At least Ian is hungry. Anthony tries to eat the whole plate but fails. He stops after a few bites. Either it's the fatigue or the exhaustion or… or it's Anthony's body giving up completely. A why-bother-kind-of attitude.

"Hey, you ate almost everything!", Ian lies, trying to sound positive and cheerful. "That's good. At least you got some food in your system now."

Anthony simply nods and rubs his eyes.

"Why don't you lie down again? Rest a bit? I'll wake you up later when lunch is ready.", Ian suggests.

Normally, Anthony protests and talks back, telling Ian that he is not sleepy and he can't tell him what he is supposed to do. That has happened every day, basically. But not today. Today Anthony agrees with Ian. He gets up, kiss Ian gently on the forehead and walks slowly back to his room.

Ian watches him disappear. Literally. One moment he is there, and the next he isn't. He blinks several times and Anthony reappears. He turns around one more time, looking at Ian lovingly, before stepping inside his room. Ian sighs deeply. No. No tears today. Strength, Ian. Hope. That's what is expected from you.

Daisy suddenly gets up from her gigantic pillow and follows Anthony to his room. He left the door ajar for her. He always does that. He loves having Daisy beside him when he sleeps. Ian has noticed and so he doesn't scold him anymore when Anthony leaves the door to their common bedroom open.

Anthony should be fine for now. Ian ponders the possibility of going outside for a run. Then he thinks about heading to the office and get some more work. This will take only around two hours. He won't be gone long.

Forty minutes later he enters the enormous office building. His way leads him directly to his own office where Courtney has left some papers and documents for him. He shoves them inside of his backpack he has brought along and heads back to the elevator. No one is here. The building is completely empty. It feels unnatural yet somehow calming. When the elevator arrives he steps inside but instead of hitting the button for the underground garage he hits the one at the very bottom. Underground floor four.

It takes a while until he reaches the floor. He turns around and the elevator opens on the other side. When he steps outside he's in the middle of a narrow hallway. The walls are gray BETON and are very thick and ROBUST. He turns to the right and keeps on walking until he reaches a heavy metal door. He takes out a key card. He slides it through a slot machine right next to it. It beeps shortly and a small yellow light AUFLEUCHTEN. He then presses his thumb on a small platform on the machine and the the light changes from yellow to green. The metal door unlocks and slides open. He steps through and doors slide shut again. He reaches out to his right and hits the light switch.

A huge, dark room appears right in front him. Six booths with small black tables. There are still hanging some targets at the far end of the room. From the last time he has been here. It's a typical indoor pistol shooting range. With the slight difference that it's more modern and better equipped when it comes to security measures.

The smell is familiar. He hasn't been down here in a very long time. There wasn't a reason, basically. But today, today is different. He needs an outlet for his anger and frustration. He needs to make damage. He doesn't know what he exactly he wants to fight, what kind of almighty invisible power he wants to hurt, but he is going to hurt it somehow.

Ian walks over to a metal closet which he unlocks once again with his key card and his thumb print. Today he decides on the Glock 20, 10 mm Auto. He also takes out security goggles, some earplugs and head earmuffs and goes over to a booth. He hits a button next to him on the booth wall and the target is switched to a new and clean one. He puts on the goggles, stuffs the plugs into and places the muffs over his ears. He loads the Glock with a new mag. The gun feels cold and lifeless in his hands. He takes a deep breath before he places his hands tightly around the pistol grip. He stretches out and raises his arms, pointing the gun at the target right in front of him. He closes one eye, aiming at the center of the circle. Holding the gun firmly and confident. Inhaling. Keeping steady. And then he fires away.

Shot.

 _Heart condition._

Shot.

 _Weakness._

Shot.

 _Exhaustion._

Shot.

 _Fatigue._

Shot.

 _Lifelessness._

Shot.

 _Sad smiles._

Shot.

 _Hopelessness._

Shot.

 _Frustration._

Shot.

 _Hospitals._

Shot.

 _Hospital rooms._

Shot.

 _Surgery_

Shot.

 _Death._

Shot. Shot. Shot.

Mag empty. Refill. New target.

Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot.

Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot.

Mag empty. Refill. New target.

Repeat.

* * *

Ian doesn't get out of the car at once. After driving it into the garage and turning off the engine, he simply sits there, taking deep and controlled breathes.

One breath. Calm down. Second breath. Forget the gun range. Third breath. Never mention the gun range to Anthony. Fourth breath. Calm down. Fifth breath. Focus. Sixth breath. Stay strong. Seventh breath. Lay off the frustration. Eighth breath. Lay off the anger. Ninth breath. Stay positive. Tenth breath. Keep your hopes up.

Only now does he feel ready to go back inside the house, back to Anthony. He unlocks the front door. Silence. He panics for a second, but then he remembers that Anthony went to bed earlier. He is about to go to his bedroom when he sees Daisy lying on the floor next to the couch in the living room. Apparently guarding someone. He approaches her and sees Anthony cuddled up in a blanket on the couch. He squats next to his dog, petting her head.

"Are you keeping an eye on him?", Ian asks her and she wags her tail a little in response. "Good girl."

He puts down his backpack on the coffee table and sits down in the crook of Anthony's cocked legs, waking him up gently by kissing his temple and stroking his hair tenderly.

"Hey there.", he says, almost whispering. Anthony beams at him when he opens his eyes and sees him. He scoots closer to the back rest of the couch, making room for Ian. Ian drops his jacket to the floor, takes off his jeans and lies down next to his boyfriend. They are chest to chest, with Ian's arm wrapped around the other man's slim waist.

"How are you?" Ian immediately bites his tongue after asking that question. "I mean… I know I've been asking this a lot lately-"

"You don't say.", Anthony interrupts him ironically, but he does it with a smile.

"Yeah, I know. I'm annoying. But I wanna make sure you're fine."

"I know." Anthony looks at him lovingly. "I appreciate it. I'm feeling okay. I've been better, but maybe it's just the weather."

Anthony has been denying the weakened effect of his meds. And by doing so he also won't admit to himself that his heart won't make it long now.

"Yeah. Maybe it's the weather.", Ian joins the lie, tightening his grip on Anthony's hips a bit.

"Where were you? When I got up you were gone, so I moved to the couch to wait for you."

"Sorry. I was at the office to pick up some work. I wanna at least be able to help out Courtney from home. She's working too much already."

Anthony looks away at that, a hint of guilt visible on his face.

"I'm sorry I'm keeping you away from work. I've been nothing but a nuisance lately."

Ian places a tender kiss on his boyfriends cheek, making him look up surprised.

"Spending time with you is never a nuisance, Anthony. I enjoy every second with you." He caresses Anthony's cheek and jawline softly with his fingers. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

They snuggle up against each other, Ian feeling a slight shiver on Anthony's skin.

"Are you cold?"

"I'm always cold, don't you remember?", Anthony giggles. "I'm fine, Ian. Don't worry. Sleep. You also need your rest. I know I've been keeping you awake the past weeks."

Ian's eyes widen and his cheeks turn red. It's true, though. He hasn't slept a lot. He has been staying awake, watching Anthony sleep and breathe. It's crazy, and mental, and totally psychotic, he knows that, but he wanted to make sure that Anthony was still alive. As pathetic as it sounds. There was nothing else he could do, so the least he could do was watching over Anthony like a guardian angel.

Anthony smiles at him, suddenly, and kisses him passionately. It seems as if all of his energy is going into that one kiss. Ian can feel Anthony's love entering his body through that kiss, warming him up from the inside. As the kiss goes on, Ian relaxes more and more. The tension, anger and frustration from earlier today, all the negative emotions he has been going through at the gun range, leave his mind and soul. He is one with Anthony now. Only he counts now. Only he matters. Nothing else. This moment. Now. He never wants to stop. He wants Anthony close by his side. Always. That damn pager better start beeping soon. It has to. Anthony has to live. And he will. A new hope somehow builds up in Ian, filling him up, making him smile.

And with these positive thoughts and feelings left inside of him he dozes off with Anthony at his side.

* * *

He doesn't know how long he has been sleeping when he awakes later that afternoon. He immediately senses Anthony's absence. How did he snug out without Ian noticing? He rubs a hand over his sleepy face and sits up straight.

"Anthony?"

"You're awake! I didn't want to wake you, sorry."

Anthony's voice comes from the far back of the big room. He appears seconds later from the kitchen, fully clothed and leash in hand.

"I wanted to go for a quick walk with Daisy. I won't be long."

"Hold up, I'm coming with you.", Ian says, already in the process of getting up.

"No need. I'll be right back. I could need a little bit of fresh air."

Ian doesn't want to push, and to scold. He just wants Anthony to be happy. So he nods and falls back onto the comfy and still warm couch. So tired. So exhausted.

"Come on, girl! Let's go!", he hears Anthony call, sounding cheerfully, and then Daisy's paws on the laminate floor. "Good girl!"

Keys rustle. Anthony puts on a jacket. Daisy whimpers silently, wanting to go out finally. This is all taking too long. Ian smiles. Keys fall to the ground. Daisy barks.

"Ian-"

Anthony's voice. Weak. Fragile. Not sounding like himself at all.

Ian shoots up and looks over to the front door. Anthony is kneeling on the ground, clutching his chest tightly. This scene makes Ian jump over the back rest of the couch and run over to the other man. He takes him in his arms, phone already in hand.

"Ian…" Heavy breathing. Short breaths. A whisper. "Something… is wrong…"


	17. Chapter 15 - Ian's plans

**Title: Chapter 15 - Ian's plans**

 **A/N: At the hospital. A talk with Dr. Burke. A plan is made. And then another.**

Ian stays at Anthony's side, trying to clam him down, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. He doesn't know exactly what to do, so he just strokes Anthony's hair gently while he is resting his head in Ian's lap. They breathe together, slowly, steadily. Anthony's hand is still placed over his heart, clutching his shirt tightly. He hasn't fainted yet, but Ian believes he is going to soon.

Finally, he hears sirens and a car coming to a halt outside his door. He gets up and opens the door, letting the paramedics inside. They immediately take care of Anthony. He is too weak to stand up, so that they lift him on a stretcher. They put an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, and roll him into the vehicle, Ian following them and climbing inside of the car. When he feels the ambulance moving, he sighs out relieved. Anthony is safe for now and will get help soon. Although he knows that it will be only temporarily.

Suddenly, Anthony grabs his oxygen mask and pulls it down.

"Ian…", he begins, but is interrupter by Ian.

"Sh. Don't talk. I'm here."

"It hurts.", Anthony says weakly, tears forming in the corners of his eye.

"I know." Ian looks at one of the paramedics quizzically. "What does that mean?"

"He's having a heart attack.", the paramedic answers seriously.

Ian's eyes widen in shock.

"Hold on, Anthony. We'll be at the hospital soon. Dr. Burke will know what to do next."

At least, that's what he is hoping.

* * *

"Mr. Hecox, may I have a word?", Dr. Burke says, peaking his head inside of the small patient's room.

Anthony's asleep for now, his body attached to various machines. Each one has a specific function to keep him alive. Ian squeezes Anthony's hand one more time and exits the room to talk to Dr. Burke.

"It's good you were there when it happened. You told the paramedic that you breathed with him?"

"Yes. I didn't know what else to do. He was hurting. He couldn't catch his breath. So, I set a slow breathing rhythm. He didn't faint. He kept on breathing."

"You might have just saved his life back there.", Dr. Burke answers, smiling mildly.

"One of the paramedics said something about a heart attack?", Ian asks, worry vibrating in his voice. "Is that true?"

Dr. Burke pauses a moment and sighs before answering.

"Yes. He needs a new heart. Fast."

"How fast?"

"Hard to say. But the way his state is deteriorating, I would say… a week to three days."

Ian's face falls.

"But the pager… It hasn't beeped yet. And it's been almost a month."

"I know." It seems like Dr. Burke doesn't know what to say himself.

Ian rubs a hand over his face, stopping himself from crying.

"There has to be something we can do. Something to prolong… his life. For at least a few more days or weeks even. You can't just stand here and tell me that he is going to… to…" His voice breaks. He can't even speak it out loud. Die. Anthony is going to die. "Please, Dr. Burke. There has to be something you could do. Some kind of operation or procedure… Please…"

Ian is begging now. He has never done that. This is a side of him he hasn't even known he has. Normally, he just tells people what to do and they do it. Without further asking or questioning him. This is different. Anthony is too weak to fight right now. So he is fighting for him, instead.

And then, all at one, Dr. Burke takes him by the arm and pulls him aside, further away from curious ears.

"Listen. I'm not saying there is a way to avoid Mr. Padilla needing a heart transplant. But there might be a procedure to at least strengthen his heart a little bit. Enough to keep him alive for a while longer. It's very experimental, I haven't done it myself. But I know someone who did."

Ian stares at him hopefully.

"Who? Where can I find him?"

"She's the best I know. Dr. Yang in Seattle. You should consider transferring him there."

"Is he stable enough to survive the transport?"

"It' not gonna be easy, but we can induce an artificial coma, minimizing the damage to his heart until you reach Seattle. It's risky, but it could be his only chance of survival."

"When should we go?"

Dr. Burke lays a hand on his shoulder.

"Right now."

* * *

"Hey, there.", Ian says in a low voice, sitting down on Anthony's bed.

His boyfriend opens his eyes slightly, yet Ian can tell he is happy to see him.

"Hi.", he greets him in a weak voice.

"I just wanted to see you one more time before I go back home.", Ian tells him earning a confused look.

"You're leaving?"

Ian nods, leaning down and kissing him gently on the lips. Anthony slings his arms around his neck and hugs him tightly.

"Don't leave. Please."

Ian heart almost breaks in two when he hears Anthony's pleading. He calms him down a bit by rubbing his shoulders and back, running a hand through his hair and kissing his cheeks.

"It's alright, Anthony. You are coming with me."

Anthony lets go of him and stares at him questioningly.

"Where are we going?"

"Seattle."

It takes a lot of persuasion but finally, after an hour of explaining and talking and discussing and basically annoying the fuck out of Anthony, he agrees to being transferred to Seattle. Experimental procedure sounds very risky and dangerous. And he is right of course. But Ian presses him a lot to consider doing this.

"I am not done loving you, Anthony."

That is the sentence that seals the deal. Anthony simply nods when he hears Ian saying these words. He is scared, though, Ian can tell. He is afraid to fall asleep and never wake up again. He doesn't want to die. This is a phrase that Ian hears a lot during their talk. So, Ian promises, more than once, that everything will be fine. Everything will be arranged, so that when they land in Seattle, he is immediately rushed into surgery.

Anthony doesn't know that Ian has already contacted Dr. Yang and her assistant Dr. Riggs. That he has taken care of everything already. Dr. Yang has been informed. They will start prepping the surgery when Ian calls them when they take off. And this will happen soon. Ian has contacted an old friend of his, a guy from the military, and organized a military helicopter. The friend will take Ian and Anthony to Seattle.

Anthony is being prepared and later put under while Ian drives back home to get some of Anthony's and his own stuff. Clothes, blankets, shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste and other articles he thinks Anthony might use after his big surgery. Yes, he is thinking about that. There is no other option to think otherwise. He has to believe that everything will turn out fine.

This is the indestructible plan.

Anthony gets the surgery to buy him some time. The pager will finally beep. Anthony gets a new heart. Anthony will survive the heart transplant. Anthony will live. He is going to live.

Ian is in the middle of packing when he remembers something. Anthony's parents live in Seattle. He is curious whether they know of Anthony's heart condition.

He walks over to Anthony's room, followed by Daisy. Right, he needs to make sure she will be fine while they are away. Shayne is a dog person. He texts him quickly and asks him if he could pick up Daisy later. Seconds later he gets a positive answer back.

"Seems like you'll be staying with uncle Shayne the next few weeks." He squats down next to her, pets and hugs his dog. "I'm sorry, Daisy. Everything will be fine once we're back. Shayne will take good care of you. Promise."

Daisy simply wags her tail and licks his cheek gently.

Ian straightens up again and looks around in Anthony's room. He is sure that Anthony did not take his phone with him to the hospital. It has to be around here somewhere. And he is right. After a while of scanning the room he find Anthony's phone lying on his desk under some papers. He activates it by typing in the right code – it's "daisy", small letters, which made him giggle when Anthony told him – and hits the contacts button. The phone number he is looking for is saved under "MomDad". Ian hits the dial button.

"Padilla?", a female voice answers after two rings.

"Mrs. Padilla, hi, I'm Ian Hecox, I'm-"

"Ian? Oh my God, hello! Nice to finally meet you! Anthony has told us so much about you already! - Andrew! Come here! Anthony's boyfriend is calling!"

Ian blushed. He never would have guessed that Anthony has been talking to his parents about him already. And apparently he has been telling them a lot.

"How is he? How are you? Anthony told us you've been living together. He sounded so happy when we last talked to him."

"When was that?", Ian asks, more out of curiosity.

"Andrew? When did Anthony call you last time?" Pause. A male voice from somewhere in the background. "Oh, that's right. About two weeks ago."

Two weeks. That's when Anthony was still fine. No wonder he hasn't called his parents since then.

"So how is Anthony? Are you still together?"

"Uhm… yes. We are. Actually, we will be coming to Seattle tomorrow."

"Really? This is great! You should stop by! I'll cook!"

Listening to Anthony's mother being so happy and cheerful is tough in Ian. He is about to crush her world.

"Mrs. Padilla, I'm afraid I have to tell something about Anthony. I'm not sure he has told you, but I guess… you don't know yet."

A slight pause. Then a small suppressed sob. A cough. Trying to hide the sadness in her voice.

"It's his heart, isn't it?"

"Yes.", Ian answers, voice small and filled with grief.

"It's not… working anymore.", she speaks on, voice breaking.

"Yes." Short answers. Ian cannot handle more right now.

"Why Seattle?"

"He needs a certain surgery. They can only do it there."

"How long does he have?"

"He is on the heart transplant waiting list. But he needs a new heart very soon."

"I understand." Pause. "Can you call us when you-"

"Of course. I'll text you the name of the hospital, the doctor and the room number as soon as I know."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

"Ian?"

"Yes?"

"We've known about his condition for a while now. I wanted to say thank you for everything. He told us you will pay for the surgeries and the meds. And that you take care of him. And worry a lot. You must really love him."

Ian smiles.

"Mrs. Padilla… you have no idea how much."

* * *

Ian is standing on the rooftop of the hospital right now, traveling bag in hand. Dr. Burke is there, and two more doctors. Anthony is lying on a stretcher. He is sleeping a very deep sleep. He looks so peaceful. If it weren't for all those tubes coming out of his body. Moving machines, IV-bag, and other things Ian doesn't even know the names of, will be coming along. As will the two doctors.

"Are you sure the helicopter is coming?", Dr. Burke asks Ian again.

"Yes, we are a bit early. He is about three minutes away. He said we should wait on the rooftop and be prepared to take off at once." He leans in closer to Dr. Burke, almost whispering now. "This is a very undercover mission. My friend is not even supposed to be here."

"I see." is all Dr. Burke can answer to that.

Ian's friend is on time. It's quite a big helicopter, almost too big for the landing space, but his friend manages to land the helicopter safely.

"Good luck!", Dr. Burke shouts over the loud noises of the helicopter, shaking Ian's hand. The two doctors immediately rush toward the chopper and lift Anthony with all of the necessary machines into it. They check everything more than three times, making sure that Anthony is still stable. Ian climbs onto the passenger seat, placing headphones over his ears. It doesn't take long and the helicopter is back in the air, flying north.

"Thanks, Mike!", Ian says into the microphone of his headphone. "I appreciate it."

"No problem. I always wanted to fly this baby." He smiles cheekily at Ian.

"Do you think we'll make it to Seattle without stopping for gas?", Ian asks him worriedly.

"Of course, these machines are made for longer flights. Don't worry, your friend will get to the hospital in time.", Mike answers, switching some buttons. "You mentioned a heart condition?"

"Yes. He needs a new heart."

"Sucks. I hope he gets one soon."

"Me, too."

This is the indestructible plan. Ian calls it plan A.

Anthony gets the surgery to buy him some time. The pager will finally beep. Anthony gets a new heart. Anthony will survive the heart transplant. Anthony will live. He is going to live.

Otherwise, there is no reason for Ian to live on anymore.

Ian tries not think of the Glock 20, 10mm Auto, which lies wrapped up in a towel at the bottom of the traveling bag.

Ian calls this plan B.


	18. Chapter 16 - Ian's hope

**Title: Chapter 16 - Ian's hope**

 **A/N: A lot is happening in this chapter. We are getting closer to the end of the story, guys. 2 maybe 3 chapters left. Enjoy!**

"Is this your first time?" The nurse looks up at Ian, smiling.

"Uhm… Yes, actually.", he stutters. Maybe he shouldn't be doing this. He should be downstairs, in the waiting room, with Anthony's parents, waiting for Anthony's surgery to be over.

The nurse giggle and puts a strap around Ian's right upper arms, tightening it.

"And I believe it's your first time in Seattle?", she asks.

"Yes. I… uhm… I'm here with my boyfriend.", he answers, still unsure of his decision. It was that stupid poster in the waiting room. Two hands holding a drop of blood. That's not what's made Ian get up and go. It has been the text right next to it:

" _Don't be afraid. Help innocent people. Be a hero. Be HUMAN."_

He wants to be a hero. He wants to be Anthony's hero. But he couldn't sit there and do nothing. And just wait. And wait and wait and wait. Anthony's parents were so kind and friendly. He has learned so many new things about his boyfriend. And with every little piece of information, he felt more and more sick. The stories he has heard from Julia and Andrew Padilla have been amazing.

When Anthony was little he wanted to be a nurse. Then a doctor. Then a vet. But when he realized he didn't have enough time left to take on such long studies, he changed his plans and with that he abandoned all of his dreams. His parents helped him the best they could, took care of him, drove him to his checkups, paid for his meds. But after a while Anthony started refusing their help. He left for college and later for LA. He didn't want to be a burden to his parents. Typical Anthony. Ian shakes his head slightly.

"No? You want me to stop?", the nurse asks surprised, syringe in hand. This brings Ian back to reality.

"What?" He pauses shortly, taking a long look at the girl in front of him. "No, no, sorry. I was… Yeah, just stick it in."

He looks away while the nurse taps his veins on his inner elbow to find a good vein. Then he feels a slight sting.

"Needle is in.", she announces, but Ian is still avoiding that view. He hates the sight of blood. And needles. He hates needles.

"Sir, are you alright? Do you wanna lay down maybe?"

"No, I'm fine. Just…get it over with." Ian shuts his eyes tightly and grits his teeth. He is such a whimp. Anthony is going through so much more. And he is just donating stupid blood.

"Just relax. It's gonna take about 10 minutes. I'll be back."

Ian nods and exhales deeply.

It's been three hours already. The moment the helicopter landed on the roof of the Seattle Grace Hospital, Anthony was taken into surgery. Ian went down to the waiting room. He called Anthony's parents and they arrived half an hour later. They waited together. And that's when Ian started going crazy.

More and more family members arrived. And friends. From different patients. They were crying. Or had a weird blank expression on their faces. He tried to focus on Anthony's parents for a while, but not for long. After having stared at that friggin' poster for two and a half hours, he got up and left. He tried calling Courtney, but he couldn't reach her.

Nobody has come to talk to him or Anthony's parents so far. Seems like they are still operating. It's a fucking heart surgery, of course it's gonna take a while. Ian just wishes that everything goes smoothly, without any complications.

He is nervous. Of course, he is. He is chewing around on the flesh of the inside of his lips until he tastes blood. That's when the nurse comes back, at last, and releases him from the tube going inside his arm.

"Feeling good? Any nausea?", she asks when Ian gets up.

"No, not yet.", he answers.

"Well, thank you for donating. Would you like to know your blood type?"

"Uhm… sure."

Ian adds his cellphone number to the previously filled out form.

"Great. We'll call you up when we have the results."

She smiles gently at him. Ian forces out a weird grin and leaves the floor. When he steps out of the elevator, he senses that something is different. He can see the waiting room from his spot. It's filled with more people. specifically two doctors, one male, the other one female. Anthony's parents are standing up, apparently talking to the doctors. His walk quickens immediately, then it changes to a run. He enters the room, almost knocking over a man leaving, making heads turn.

"What happened?", he exclaims, eyes wide in fright.

Anthony's mother looks at him, tears streaming down he face.

"He made it."

* * *

Dr. Yang is not a very emotional person, nor is she very sensitive. She is like a robot. She is very technical and formal, she explains the surgery in detail, but doesn't bother to make sure everyone has understood. That seems to be Dr. Riggs's job. He is the kinder half of the duo, you might say. He smiles reassuringly from time to time, he is more friendly with Ian and Anthony's parents, and way more patient. Ian likes them both in their own way. He doesn't need a lot of sentiment right now. What he, and especially Anthony needs right now, are doctors who can perform. That's it. To Ian they have just proofed that.

The surgery went very well. Ian doesn't know the concrete details, but he knows that Anthony has more time now. He has to stay in the hospital, though, more specifically the bed. Dr. Yang implanted a tube to Anthony's heart. It goes directly into it, connecting the heart to a machine which right now replaces Anthony's heart functions completely.

Ian has been talking to Dr. Yang and Dr. Riggs about the possible heart transplant surgery. Well, at least, it seems like they are talking to him. But, actually, these words are meant for Anthony and his parents. He feels out of place. Like they are talking right through him. Wondering what he is doing here. Ian has been asking himself the same question. Still, he listens to their words and terminology, and can't help but notice that the two doctors sound somehow hopeful. It might be just in Ian's head, he's not sure, but that's the vibe he gets.

There is a lot going on in his head right now. His thoughts are all over the place. This is simply too much. He can't remember the last time he got a good night's sleep. He doesn't even know how he is still standing and talking and functioning at all. Dr. Riggs notices this first and suggests Ian lie down in one of the family rooms. The doctor promises to get him when Anthony wakes up.

So Ian follows a nurse to a room with a bed, a desk and a small closet.

"We have a lot of parents who sleep here.", she explains. "So they can be close to their children."

Understandable. Ian is just a boyfriend. Someone Anthony has met by accident a few months ago. He is not even supposed to be here. His parents are supposed to have this room. He doesn't deserve it. He feels a bit guilty, but he forgets everything when his head touches the soft pillow of the bed. So tired. So exhausted. It doesn't take long and he falls into a deep and somehow peaceful sleep.

* * *

Ian wakes up harshly, sitting up straight.

"Anthony?", he calls out, but then remembers he's alone. Must have been a weird dream. Someone was calling him. Very loudly and very persistently. Again and again. It sounded desperate. Sounded like Anthony.

He lies back down, his head hitting the pillow hard. He takes a deep breath, rubbing his eyes quickly. How long has he slept? Ian pulls out his phone and checks the time. About two hours of sleep. That should be enough for the next few days. He tries to unlock his phone but fails. Several times.

"What the fu-?"

And then he realizes it. It's not his phone. It's Anthony's. He must have put it in his jacket. He smiles. Something from Anthony. Even if it's his stupid phone. It's something that belongs to Anthony. He rolls his eyes. He sounds way too pathetic right now. Ian types in "daisy" and the phone comes to life. He swipes through the screens. Anthony has a lot of gaming apps on his phone, which makes Ian snicker. He comes across the gallery and finds an album titled "Ian". Normally, he is not that curious or nosy, but he is bored. A little bit. And he wants to see what kind of pictures Anthony has taken of him. He taps the album and hundreds of thumbnails pop up. He hits the first one and begins to swipe through them.

That's him sleeping. Obviously knocked out after a night of steamy and hot sex with Anthony. He smiles, blushing a bit. But he can't remember holding a stuffed whatever-that-is.

That's him at the office. Laughing. Must have been after the whole Calvin Klein job, when the atmosphere at he office was better and lighter again.

And that's him outside. On a walk maybe? Yes, maybe that one time they came home from work and were greeted by a very enthusiastic German shepherd. That's why he still has his office shirt on.

And another one of him sleeping. On the couch in Anthony's office. That is a really comfy couch. That was during that Calvin Klein job, him being just exhausted all the time.

There are even more pictures of Ian, sleeping, laughing, talking to someone. Secret snaps of him taken by Anthony. Ian can't put his feelings into words right now. He is completely overwhelmed with this small but meaningful gesture. Anthony has been taking these pictures for himself. Little does Anthony know that Ian has a similar folder on his own phone.

* * *

"Did it work?", are Anthony's first words when he sees Ian sitting next to him on a chair.

Ian jumps and beams at him. He has been sitting here for an hour now. He wanted to be the first one Anthony saw when he woke up.

"Hey, you're awake.", Ian says, already getting up. "Yes, it worked. Let me get the doctor."

"Wait… just a minute.", Anthony pleads and holds out his hand. "Stay. Just for a minute."

"Okay." Ian sits down next to Anthony on the bed. "We really gotta stop meeting like this."

Anthony snickers slightly, his expression changing from cheerful to pain-stricken.

"Ouch.", he says.

"I'm sorry, I made you laugh.", Ian immediately apologizes. "Are you thirsty? You want me to get you something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine. Just… stay with me."

They gaze at each other for a few minutes.

"Hey, do you wanna know something funny?", Ian asks, all of a sudden remembering something.

"What?"

"We have the same blood type." The nurse called him up about an hour ago and informed him Ian had a very rare blood type, actually. B rhesus positive. The same as Anthony. Ian has seen it on his patient's chart.

"No way." Anthony smiles. "We are really made for each other. As if we're the same person."

"As if we're one.", Ian adds, kissing Anthony gently. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

A very comfortable and peaceful silence fills the room.

"It's raining.", Antony notices after some time, looking outside of the window.

"Yeah, it started a while ago. I'm not used to this. I love my California sun." Ian cups Anthony's face and runs a thumb over his cheek. "Okay, I'm gonna get Dr. Yang and Dr. Riggs now. They are the ones who operated on you."

"Ian?"

He stops at the door frame, looking back.

"Yes?"

"I got time now." Anthony smiles. "I won't die, right?"

Ian gulps, unintentionally.

"No, you won't die."

He peaks into the hallways and makes out Dr. Riggs.

"I see one of your doctors. You can talk to him, he will explain everything to you."

"You're not staying?" Anthony sounds sad and disappointed.

"I'll be right back. I'm gonna get myself a cup of coffee." He pauses. "And your parents are here. I'll tell them you're awake."

"My parents?"

"I'll be right back."

With that, Ian is out of the room. He passes Dr. Riggs on his way outside, telling him about Anthony. He meets Anthony's parents in the waiting room, and shows them where Anthony's room is.

And then he leaves the hospital building. It's raining. But he doesn't care. He sees an unoccupied bench and sits down, dampening his jeans and jacket. But he doesn't care. It's cold and all he has on himself is his favorite dark blue leather jacket. But he doesn't care.

He needs the fresh rain-filled air right now. It's cleansing and feels good. He takes a few deep and controlled breaths.

" _I won't die, right?"_

He wanted to be honest with Anthony.

 _I don't know. I can't promise you anything. You are hooked to a machine that is doing your heart's job right now. Who know for how long. You have to stay in this hospital. You can't get up and walk around. You have to lie there and wait._

Hoping. Praying. Waiting.

That is all there is left to do. There is nothing else. Ian can't just make a heart appear. No one can do that. They simply have to wait for that damn pager to start beeping. He feels it pressing against his thigh. Nothing. It does nothing. Not the slightest vibration.

Hoping. Praying. Waiting.

Okay. Enough worries. He needs to go back inside. He checks the time on his phone. Ten minutes have passed already. He told Anthony he would be right back. He stands up and ruffles through his hair. Beads of water fly everywhere. It's no use. His hair is completely soaked. As are his jacket and jeans. The drizzle has turned into heavy-ass rain, pouring down on him. He puts his hands in the pockets of his jacket, trying to warm them up. Slowly, putting one foot in front of the other, he starts walking towards the entrance.

It's so sudden Ian jumps and clutches his thigh. Vibration. There is something vibrating in the pocket of his jeans. This can't be true. This must be a dream. Ian pulls the tiny, black device out of his pocket and stares at it in awe. It's vibrating. And making noises.

That damn pager has just started beeping.


	19. Chapter 17 - Ian's heart

**Title: Chapter 17 - Ian's heart**

 **Warning: PREPARE FOR EVERYTHING! I MEAN EVERYTHING! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!**

 **A/N: I'm not spoiling anything. Read it. Just read it.**

Ian cannot remember a day when he ran faster than he is running now. He is stumbling, tripping over his own feet, rushing, sprinting. He ignores the elevator completely and takes the stairs up to Anthony's room. He's panting, out of breath, when he reaches the right floor. People are looking, nurses are scolding him for his strange behavior but he doesn't care. He doesn't have a second to spare.

The pager in his hand is still beeping when he storms into the correct patient's room, interrupting Dr. Riggs who is in the middle of explaining the machines Anthony is hooked to.

"Ian? What happened?", Anthony says, sitting up more and looking wide-eyed at his boyfriend.

Ian cannot talk, he would but he can't catch his breath now. He can't feel his lungs, or his feet, or legs. So, he simply holds out his hand. Anthony recognizes the black object, which Ian's fingers are tightly wrapped around, at once.

"The pager…"

Anthony's parents, who are at their son's bedside, look confused but they sense that this is good news. Dr. Riggs is the first one to start speaking.

"When did it start?", he asks Ian, who still hasn't calmed down but holds up his other hand. Five minutes.

Dr. Riggs takes the pager, excuses himself and leaves the room in a hurry. There is an important phone call to make.

"Ian, what does this mean?", Anthony's mother ask, sounding hopeful.

Ian walks over to them, sitting down on the bed, very close to Anthony. He doesn't care for the viewers, even if they are Anthony's parents. He wants to express the happiness he is feeling right now. He takes his boyfriend's face into his hands and kisses him passionately. The kiss doesn't take long, but it makes Anthony blush alright.

Ian takes a long glance at Anthony before he speaks out the word he has been hoping for to say for a long time now.

"It means you're gonna live, Anthony." He smiles and Anthony's face lights up also. "You're gonna live."

* * *

"When I get out of here, I wanna – I wanna eat a hamburger.", Anthony says, his head resting against Ian's chest. "A really big one. Like – super uber mega gigantic hamburger. With cheese. A lot of cheese."

Ian laughs out loud, relaxing more into the pillow.

"I'm not sure you will be allowed to have those things once you have your new heart."

Anthony looks up at him and shoots him a glare.

"But I guess _one_ hamburger won't hurt you.", Ian adds, sticking out his tongue cheekily.

There is a moment of silence, in which Ian's fingers play with Anthony's hair and Anthony's hand run over Ian's shirt-covered chest.

"When do you think they will be back?", Anthony asks, breaking the silence.

"What time is it now?" Ian checks the clock on the wall. Shortly after 2 am. "They left an hour ago… so maybe another hour or two?"

"Hm. Yes. Could be."

"What are you thinking right now?"

"Nothing." Anthony sighs deeply.

"Liar."

Anthony chuckles.

"You're gonna think I'm weird."

"No, I won't. Come on, tell me.", Ian presses, sliding down the pillow. They position themselves anew so they lie chest to chest now, facing each other. "Tell me.", Ian whispers one more time, earning a smile in return.

"I know we have known each other for … like … a few months only. But I…" Deep breath. "There was a time when I didn't think about having a long-term relationship, or a job I love, or… a new heart. I had reached some sort of closure. But then… then I met you. And everything has changed. I'm thinking about new things, new memories I can make. And every time I think about my future I see you at my side. I am not alone. I'm with someone I love."

Silence.

"Great, now you think I'm a creepy stalker or something!"

Anthony buries his face in his hands in shame and embarrassment. Ian simply laughs. Anthony peaks through his fingers at him, grinning slightly.

"No, I don't think you're creepy. In fact, it makes me love you even more."

Anthony puts his hands down so that Ian can see his red cheeks.

"After David, I thought I was done with marriage and boyfriends and love. And then you stepped into my office. All adorable and cute and self-confident. You were so full of life. You changed me for the better, Anthony. I love my new self. And I love you." Ian pauses. He's unsure whether he should continue. "Call me crazy, but…"

He sits up, looking at his lover with eyes full of love and care.

"Anthony, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am hopeful that everything will be fine and you will survive and you will get your new heart and you will live. I want to be part of your new life… if you let me."

Tears of joy fill Anthony's eyes when he answers.

"Yes, I want you in my life, Ian. I cannot imagine my new life without you in it."

Ian smiles, leans back down and showers his boyfriend with sweet little kisses.

"I love you, Anthony. I love you so much, you have no idea. I would give you my heart if it meant you would live. I don't care about my own life, I just want you to be happy."

"Well, that would be stupid, wouldn't it.", Antony responds. "If you gave me your heart, I would live, yes, but who would be there to eat breakfast with me? Who would carry me to our bed when I fall asleep on the couch watching a movie? Who would kiss me? And the most important question of them all: Who would fuck me?"

Ian bursts out laughing.

"Point taken.", he says, finally.

"Seriously, though, Ian. I love you. I want you around. All the time. I feel like I can't breathe when you're not there. I love you, Ian. I love you."

Ian, still covering Anthony's body with his own, rests his head on Anthony's chest and listens to his heart beating. His weak and fragile heart which will soon be replaced by a new, strong one.

"I can't wait to listen to your new heart. I will lie on you all the time and just listen to its smooth and steady rhythm."

Anthony lovingly runs a hand through Ian's hair.

"How do I deserve you?", he whispers, kissing Ian's head.

Ian doesn't answer. He is too touched by Anthony's sweet words. He rolls off his boyfriend's body and rolls up next to him. He covers them both with the blanket and they both drift away into a peaceful sleep, filled with hopeful dreams about their future together.

* * *

"So, we will start prepping you for surgery in about half an hour.", Dr. Riggs concludes his long explanation about Anthony's soon-to-be performed heart transplant.

A lot of terminology. A lot of words. A lot of questions from Ian, Anthony and his parents. Dr. Riggs has been very patient and has tried to explain everything and give easy and understandable answers. Dr. Yang is the main surgeon, yes, but Dr. Riggs is doing the main talk and the patient care.

"How long will the surgery last?", Ian asks. He's not sure whether Dr. Riggs has mentioned that before. His brain is mush and he is not able to keep so many new information in there right now. He needs it to be over. Everything. New heart. New life. Amen.

"About six hours if everything goes smoothly. But I don't expect any complications."

Anthony tugs on Ian's shirt, more out of nervousness than fright.

"It's gonna be, Anthony. I will be here when you wake up.", Ian comforts him, kissing his forehead.

"You are actually very lucky.", Dr. Riggs suddenly says. "With your rare blood type, it could have taken much longer to find the perfect donor he-"

He is interrupted by his pager going off. He checks it quickly.

"I need to take this. I'll be right back." His voice is monotone, emotionless, and Ian notices that his face has fallen slightly. Something is up.

"I'll… I'll get myself a cup of coffee.", Ian says and leaves the room. Standing outside the room, he scans the area for Dr. Riggs. He sees him standing in the middle of the hallway, talking to the two residents who were sent to out to get Anthony's heart. Faces serious. Dr. Riggs runs a hand over his face. Devastated expressions. Ian's stomach churns.

Suddenly, he locks eyes with Dr. Riggs. Ian walks over to him while the two residents are leaving the scene. Dr. Riggs faces Ian, approaching him slowly.

"What's going on?" Ian is looking around. He doesn't know what to expect or what he is looking for. A container with a beating heart? Probably not. But he hasn't seen that the two residents were carrying anything. They have returned empty-handed.

"Where is the heart, Dr. Riggs? Where is it?"

Dr. Riggs takes a deep breath, his face stricken with guilt.

"I'm sorry, Ian."

"Why? Why are you sorry? There is no need to be sorry, if you got the heart. You do have the heart, right? You gotta have the heart. Anthony has to get the-"

"I'm sorry, Ian. I really am."

Ian cannot move a single muscle. His whole body seems to have frozen just now.

"What happened?", his question almost a whisper.

"It… died."

* * *

Anthony's parents left almost immediately after Dr. Riggs told them the bad news. Maybe they couldn't watch their son suffer anymore. They said they would come back tomorrow, that they just needed some rest. They tried to comfort Anthony, but their words only made him more depressed. Anthony finally told them to go, maybe a bit too harshly. Ian apologized for his boyfriend. But his parents said they understood. His mother kissed him goodbye and they left the hospital.

Ian is sitting on a chair, facing away from Anthony. He is looking outside of the window watching the light drizzle soaking everything. It hasn't stopped raining since yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. He was happy. Anthony was happy. They were both hopeful. Talking about their future. The future.

"I think about selling my house.", Ian suddenly says.

"Why?", Anthony asks, voice emotionless.

"Just a thought. I think it's not the right house to be living there together. It's a bit cramped and there is not a lot of space for your stuff."

"Why do you care? You will be living there on your own, now that-"

"SHUT UP, ANTHONY!"

Ian turns his head to find a shocked Anthony. He didn't mean for his words to come out as a scream but Anthony's words hit a certain spot.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean…" He sighs, frustrated. He stands up and lies down beside his boyfriend, taking him into his arms.

"I'm gonna die, Ian. I know it.", Anthony forces out between sobs. "Something doesn't want me to live. Doesn't want me to be happy. It doesn't want us to be together."

"Bullshit. Stop saying such bullshit. So, what? You have time. We can wait for a new heart. We gotta stay positive."

Anthony scoots closer to Ian, burying his face in his chest.

"Talk to me. Tell me something.", he begs in a quiet voice.

"Uhm… okay… Hm, let's see."

The future. Ian needs to direct Anthony's attention and thoughts to something positive again. He sits up a bit, Anthony's head resting against his shoulders, an arm wrapped around him, and then he starts talking.

"When I sell my house, I want you to come house hunting with me. You'll find the perfect one, I'm sure. With a big-ass living room, and a huge kitchen for you to dance in your underwear…"

Anthony snickers.

"…and we will both have a room to retrieve to when we will have to work or when we fight – which will rarely happen I'm telling you that – and a big bedroom with a ginormous bed. And I want a bathroom with a big tub."

"It's gotta be big, huh? Are you compensating for something?"

"Definitely not. You should know that."

Anthony snickers again.

"So, where was I… oh right. Huge-ass house. So, we also gotta have a huge-ass garden to fit our huge-ass house, so that Daisy can run around freely. And later, when we get married and have kids-"

"Wait, kids? Plural?"

"Yup. Two to be exact. One boy and one girl. And they will be the cutest and most adorable children on the planet. And we will shower them with love and gifts and toys. And they will be smart and clever and will study law and medicine. Or something like that. Well, fine, they can do whatever they like. And some years into the future, I'm gonna leave the company and Courtney will take over. And then we will buy a nice little cottage somewhere in the mountains, or at a lake or… well, it's gotta have wifi. So, nothing too deserted. We gotta keep in contact with our grandkids. You hear that, Anthony, grandkids, as in more than one."

Anthony doesn't respond. His hand has slipped to his side. It's lying motionless in Ian's lap. And then he can hear it. That long monotone beeping tone.

"Anthony?"

Seconds later he surrounded by nurses and doctors. He gets up from the bed and watches the action happening around the lifeless body of his boyfriend in silence. Too many emotions. Too many thoughts. A complete chaos inside of his head.

"Charge to 120! - Clear!"

Anthony's chest jerks upward.

"No pulse. Charge again. 150! - Clear!"

The monotone long sound has changed to a slow beeping one again.

"We got a pulse!"

The doctors smile, obviously relieved, they remove the petals from Anthony's chest and leave the room again except for one nurse who checks his vitals. Anthony's chest is moving up and down, slowly but steady. He opens his eyes and looks at Ian. He is scared. Tears in his eyes. And still, he is smiling at Ian. Ian tries to smile back but he can't. He is too shocked to even make the smallest movement. His thoughts drift off.

This was the indestructible plan.

Anthony gets the surgery to buy him some time. The pager will finally beep. Anthony gets a new heart. Anthony will survive the heart transplant. Anthony will live. He is going to live.

It has failed.

Then there was plan B. However, Anthony is still alive. Barely, but still. Ian doesn't know for how long. It seems like no machine will give Anthony the time he needs until his new heart arrives.

Ian's mind suddenly goes blank. He hasn't thought of that before, but he can see it clearly now.

There is a plan C.

* * *

 **KNEE-JERK REACTION:**

 **AN IMMEDIATE, UNTHINKING EMOTIONAL REACTION PRODUCED BY AN EVENT OR STATEMENT TO WHICH THE REACTION PERSON IS HIGHLY SENSITIVE;**

* * *

Turning around. Leaving the patient's room. Walking slowly towards the on-call room. Opening the door. Going inside. Putting the traveling bag on the bed. Rummaging through it. Taking out something wrapped in a towel. Leaving the room. Slow and calm steps. Going into the hallway. Pressing the button next to the elevator. Waiting. Taking the elevator to the emergency room. Positioning himself in the center of the room.

"Sir, I'm sorry, you can't be here." A nurse talking to him. Ignoring her.

Unwrapping the object in his hand. Dropping the towel to the floor. Raising his arm. People noticing him. Screams. Loud. Scared. Panic. People noticing what he is holding. Running away from him. Looking at the gun in his hand. Smiling. Crying.

Looking around. Making out a nurse hiding behind the reception desk.

"Page Dr. Yang and Dr. Riggs."

Nurse nodding her head, scared. Picking up the phone. Waiting. Not for long. Dr. Yang, Dr. Riggs and two security men rushing inside the ER.

"Ian, you don't wanna do this. Put the gun down." Dr. Riggs. Approaching him slowly.

"That's where you're wrong. I know exactly what I'm doing."

Tears covering his cheeks. Raising the gun to his right temple.

"Make sure he gets it."

Dr. Riggs looking confused.

"Promise me. Anthony will get it. No one else." Gritted teeth. Rage. Desperation. Visible in those ocean blue eyes.

Dr. Riggs slowly understanding Ian's words. Eyes widen in shock. Taking two steps closer.

"No, Ian, no!"

Anthony appearing in front of him. Beautiful. Smiling. Healthy. Running towards him. Arms widen open. Laughing. Cheerful. Calling out his name.

" _Ian!"_

Ian shaking his head in disbelief. Smiling. Closing his eyes.

"Anthony… I will be your heart."

Pulling the trigger.

Darkness.


	20. INTERLUDE 2

**Title: INTERLUDE**

 _...Darkness... ...Nothing else..._

 _...Surrounding him… ...Embracing him..._

 _Were you only imaginary?_

 _I'm faded Fading Where are you now?_

 _Was it all in my fantasy?_

 _Eternal silence I'm breathing_

 _Under the sea Another dream_

 _Under the bright and faded lights_

 _You set my heart on fire_

 _Where are you now?_

 _Am I breathing? Where am I?_

 _...Lights... ...No more darkness..._

 _...Your voice... ...Your warmth… ...Your love..._

 _...embracing me..._

 _...I'm breathing..._

 _...alive..._


	21. Chapter 18 - Anthony's love

**Title: Chapter 18 - Anthony's love**

 **A/N: The last chapter. Enjoy.**

"He's never gonna wake up, is he?"

Voices. From afar.

"Don't you dare say such bullshit, Anthony! It's been a few days since the surgery. We don't know anything yet."

Surgery. He had surgery? What surgery?

"But they said the heart is pumping blood on its own, it's working. Why hasn't he woken up yet?"

Desperation. He knows that voice.

"..thony."

Too weak. No one could hear him. Louder. Much louder.

"Anthony."

Anthony faces the wall when he suddenly can hear a familiar voice. It's weak, but he's sure he heard it. He whirls around and sees Ian opening his eyes slowly.

"Ian…"

Courtney jumps up from her chair and approaches the bed.

"Ian? Oh my God…"

Anthony can't stop the tears from streaming down his face. It's been too long since he has heard that sweet voice. Ian is awake. Ian is breathing and talking. Which means no brain damage.

"Ian, how are you?", Courtney asks, since Anthony is a complete sobbing mess, not being able to speak.

"Fine, I think.", Ian answers, voice a bit raspy but sounding strong. "What happened?"

"You fainted in the office. Remember?", Courtney explains, sitting down on the bed next to her friend.

"Barely.", he answers and turns to face Anthony. "I remember talking to you."

Anthony doesn't answer but stares a hole into the ground. Should he tell him about the fight? About Ian's plans to break up their relationship? About how he called the ambulance and watched as they took him away? About how he wasn't allowed to go with him because he wasn't family? Should he tell him about the last few days? About Ian's heart failure? About the incredibly and nerve-wreckingly long hours before they finally got the confirmation? The good news that Ian would get a new heart despite his rare blood type? That it was basically a miracle happening right in front of them? About Ian's heart transplant? And about how Anthony sneaked into the hospital and into his room after the surgery and just lay with him? Held him in his arms? Not wanting to let go? Hoping? Praying? Waiting?

"I'll get the doctor. Stay with him.", Courtney says, making Anthony flinch. He nods simply as Courtney leaves the room.

Ian pats the empty spot next to him where Courtney was sitting.

"Come. Sit with me."

Anthony does as he is told, but avoids Ian's eyes. Why does he feel so strange all of a sudden? Ian is awake. He is alive. There is nothing more he could wish for. And yet, there is a strange feeling brewing inside his gut. He is scared, that's what it is. He's worried that Ian might remember their conversation and break up with him all over again. These thoughts make Anthony's stomach churn.

"Anthony, look at me. Please."

They lock eyes but only for a moment before Anthony focuses on his fingers fidgeting with Ian's blanket.

"What happened?", Ian asks. "I remember being in my office. Shayne was there, I think. And then you came in. And we talked. And then… I can't remember anything after that. Could you please tell me? Something is up, I can feel it. Talk to me. Please."

Anthony takes a deep breath before he decides to tell Ian everything.

"You were working really hard that day. Everything went wrong. You were not satisfied with me as your personal assistant. You said that your schedule had been a mess lately. And that is was my fault."

Anthony is not looking at Ian, but he can sense the tension in the room increasing.

"You… you wanted to take a break from us. You said that your work was important. And then I left the office."

Anthony cannot believe the amount of tears he has still inside of him. Tears are flowing uncontrollably down his cheeks. He knows it. Ian will break up with him again. Even after him staying at his side all this time. But how is Ian supposed to know that? Being in a coma all this time? And then with the heart transplant… This is the first time since their "break-up" that they are talking again to each other. Anthony prepares for everything right now.

Anthony feels Ian shift and sit up a bit. He tries to stop him, tries to force him back down, but Ian won't let him.

"I can understand if you don't want to be with me anymore."

Anthony's eyes widen in surprise at Ian's words.

"I said such terrible things. Hearing you telling me all this, I think I can remember parts of the conversation. I'm sorry, Anthony. I never meant to hurt you. Maybe it was the stress, the pressure, although this should not count as an excuse to treat you in such a horrible way. I'm really sorry, Anthony."

Anthony is rendered speechless. He doesn't know what to say. This is not the same Ian from a week ago. He is different, but he doesn't know exactly what it is.

"Anthony? Did you hear me? I don't want to break up with you. It was a stupid idea and I take it back. But I can understand if you don't want to be with me anymore."

"Ian, I-"

Anthony's answer is interrupted by Courtney and Ian's doctor coming back. And the moment is gone. Anthony wanted to say so much, tell Ian that he doesn't want to break up, that he wants to be with him, that he understands why he acted that way, that his job is stressful and… Maybe another time.

So, he stays silent while the doctor explains Ian what has been going on since his admittance. Anthony already knows all of that. He doesn't want to hear it again, but he stays at Ian's side nevertheless. He doesn't want to leave him alone. He partly blames himself for Ian's stroke. If he hadn't reacted in such a childish and immature kind of way, Ian wouldn't have run after him. And maybe he wouldn't have collapsed. Maybe Ian's heart wouldn't have burst out of stress and exhaustion.

"I would like to keep you over night for observation, but your stats seem fine to me right now. If nothing changes, and your condition keeps improving, I see no reason why you can't be discharged tomorrow."

Anthony sees happy faces, Courtney is smiling, Ian is showing signs of relief and joy. Anthony is also happy that Ian is doing well after such a tough operation, and that he can go home soon. He will try to visit Ian at home and clear up some things between them. Ian is still waiting for an answer. If he doesn't act quickly, Ian will think that Anthony really doesn't want to be with him anymore. And this couldn't be more false.

Anthony comes back from lunch when he finds a slightly concerned Courtney slumped down on her chair, head resting in her hands.

"Courtney? Everything alright?", he says, approaching her. A thought occurs to him. "Is something wrong with Ian?"

"No, no. He's fine.", she calms him down at once. "I thought I've visited him already? What is up with you guys? First you act all lovey-dovey, spend days and night together, and then suddenly this mess. What happened?"

"It's… a long story. So, what's wrong?"

Courtney sighs, a sad smile on her lips.

"We lost the Calvin Klein job."

"What? Why?"

"They changed their mind. They didn't like the proposals we made, and the progress we made was too slow for them. Assholes. I told them about Ian and his operation. But they just care about money and profit and… Fuck. This sucks."

"I'm sorry. I haven't heard yet."

"They just called.", she gets up and is about to leave. "I need to call in a meeting and tell everyone the news. This not gonna be easy. Everyone was so excited about that job. Man, I hate this job sometimes."

Anthony pats her comfortingly on the back.

"You want me to go and tell Ian?", he suddenly suggests, the words just popping out of his mouth.

"You would do that?", Courtney's face lights up a bit. "This would be great, Anthony. Thanks."

"No problem. I can do that right now."

Courtney throws him the car keys to the company car and Anthony is off to see Ian.

During the drive to Ian's house, Anthony is thinking about what to say exactly. Well, at first he has to break the bad news to Ian. This won't be easy. He knows how important that job was to Ian. And then he has to come clean. He needs to tell Ian how he really feels, and that he heard him calling out his name that day. And something else happened that Ian probably didn't notice or see. Ian's words from the hospital keep Anthony going. He doesn't want to break up, he even apologized. This was untypical for Ian, but Anthony appreciated this gesture.

There is something different about Ian. Something has changed.

He drives up to the house and parks the car in front of the garage. Getting outside the car, he can already hear barking coming from inside the house. Daisy. He hasn't seen her in a long time.

"Daisy, no! Back!" Ian's voice. He sounds strong and healthy.

Anthony doesn't even have to ring the doorbell since Ian opens the door to peek outside. His face lightens up when he recognizes Anthony.

"Hey! What are you doing here?", Ian calls out to him, waving.

Daisy tears herself away from Ian's grip and runs over to Anthony to greet him. He pats her gently and walks over to Ian.

"Hi, Courtney sends me.", Anthony answers, entering the house.

Ian closes the door behind them and leads them both to the living room. Anthony has always loved this house. Here he has felt safe and loved. He smiles when all those memories flood his mind.

"So, what's the news?", Ian wants to know when they have taken a seat on the couch.

"Bad news, actually. It's about the Calvin Klein job…"

"We lost it, right?", Ian ends his sentence. "That's okay. I figured that would happen."

"Wait… You don't mind? But it was such a big job! This could have meant the big breakthrough for your company!", Anthony exclaims, a bit shocked about Ian's relaxed reaction.

"I know. But it doesn't matter. There is more important stuff than a stupid job." He pauses and suddenly takes Anthony's hands into his. "Anthony, I still want to be with you. I hope you can forgive me for the words I said. But if you don't want me in your life anymore, I will back away. I promise."

Anthony's heart warms up when he hears Ian's sweet words.

"Ian, of course I want to be with you." And without even thinking he throws himself into Ian's chest, embracing him tightly. "I love you, Ian."

A love confession. Anthony almost immediately bites his tongue. This may have been to much to handle for Ian right now. They haven't told each other _that_ yet. He isn't even sure if Ian feels the same. There were his texts though, where he almost said it. But so many things have happened since then. Anthony's feelings haven't changed at all, but Ian's might have.

"Anthony…" Anthony hears Ian's surprised voice and already wants to pull back, but then he can feel Ian's arms wrap around him more tightly. "I love you, too."

Anthony's heart is about to burst, he is so happy right now. Ian loves him back. They stay like this for a while before breaking the hug and looking deeply into each other's eyes. Anthony is sure he has a flushed face right now, and red cheeks. But he doesn't care about that. All he sees are Ian's shimmering ocean blue gems, and they are filled with love.

"Anthony, while I was… asleep, I had the weirdest dream. I only remember bits and pieces, but it felt so real. I was about to lose you in that dream. I don't know why exactly, but something happened to you. I felt so scared and desperate in my dream. I wanted to keep you in my life, but there was some bigger force pulling you away from me. It tore my heart apart. I couldn't imagine my life without you."

Ian takes Anthony's face into his hands and kisses him passionately.

"And then I woke up that day, and I saw you. I was overwhelmed by so many different emotions and feelings. And seeing you standing there, in that room, at my side, was the best sight in the whole world. You haven't abandoned me. I don't wanna be without you, Anthony. It's like I can't breathe when you're not with me."

Anthony smiles lovingly at Ian, not being able to keep his hands off him. He wants to make sure this is real, that this is not a dream like Ian said. That dream sounded awful. He also cannot imagine being away from Ian. It would rip him apart. So, he decided to tell Ian, what he had gone through that certain day.

"That day when you collapsed, when you shouted out my name… I was already on my way back, Ian. I didn't want to leave like that. I had turned around and saw you running out of your office. And then you collapsed to the ground. Courtney screamed. It was horrible. It was the worst feeling in my life, seeing you go down to the ground. You seemed so vulnerable, so weak and fragile. I was so scared, Ian. I thought I had lost you."

Anthony tugs on Ian's shirt, pulling him closer again, holding on to him tightly. He feels Ian's warm hands rubbing his back, whispering words of comfort into his ear.

"It's okay now. I'm here. I won't leave you, Anthony. Ever. And if I ever start talking such bullshit again you make sure you take the next best bat and hit me hard over the head with it. Okay?"

This makes Anthony chuckle in between his small sobs. They lie down on the couch together, bodies entangled, hands rummaging over each other's bodies, sharing a kiss from time to time. Then Anthony places his hand over Ian's chest, the place where Ian's new heart is beating.

"I can feel it. It's beating strongly.", he notices, smiling gently at his lover.

"You wanna see the scar?", Ian asks, waiting for Anthony to nod before pulling up his shirt, revealing a not completely healed scar in the middle of his chest. Anthony runs a finger over it, hovering, as to not hurt Ian.

"The doctor mentioned I wouldn't wake up after the surgery."

"Yes, you were out for almost three days."

"I think I had to do something… in my dream, you know? Some unfinished business that needed to be done."

"Could be possible."

"I can't shake off the feeling that I woke up because of you. Have you been talking to me while I was out? I swear I could hear your voice.", Ian wants to know.

"Yes. When I was lying by your side, I kept on talking to you. About everything. I told you my complete life story, basically." He snickers. "And I repeated your name a few times. I was hoping to wake you up by doing that."

Instead of saying something, Ian leans in for another kiss.

"Thank you.", Ian whispers.

"For what?"

"For believing in me. For not giving up on me." Ian pauses and closes his eyes. "I want to kiss you forever. Hold you forever. Love you forever. You changed me, Anthony, in so many ways and for the better. I would have never imagined myself in another relationship after David. Let alone love someone so much as I love you."

"What did he do to you, Ian? Your eyes are always so sad when you mention his name."

"That's a story for another time. And it doesn't really matter. I just want to tell you, that you healed me, Anthony. I love you with all my heart. Be it the old or the new one." Ian smiles at that and pecks Anthony on the forehead.

"I love you, too, Ian.", Anthony replies, and he can't help it but tears are once again covering his face.

"Don't cry, sunshine.", Ian says and kisses Anthony's tears away. "From now on, there will be only tears of laughter for you and me, alright? Pinky promise?"

"Pinky promise."

Smiles. Laughs. Kisses. Hugs. Touches.

Talking all night long. Falling asleep together. Working side by side. Having lunch together. Making plans for the future. Renovating the house. Moving in together. Dancing around in the kitchen in just their underwear. Cooking dinner. Anthony teaching Ian how to cook. Going for long walks with Daisy. Holding hands. Driving down to Santa Monica. Visiting the Pier Aquarium. Spending a day at the beach.

Being together. Starting their new life together. Side by side.

They are not done loving each other.


End file.
